Hello? Any DID folks?

[Turkeybutt]

I'm partially integrated these days and I'd love to chat with some folks about how you survived the integration process, because it's so overwhelming at times. I work some pretty crazy hours to begin with, so it's been quite the challenge to just find space in my life to process what I need to process. How's it going for you?

[QueerNymph]

It seems this section doesn't see much action. I don't think I'm near the integration stage. What has it looked like for you? I'm currently still unearthing ego states. So far: 30 - my feminine ego-state, very similar to my mother, a narcissist; 27 - alcoholic/recovered, where most of my shame, bad memories/flashbacks live, constantly knocking my legs out from under me, or trying to; 25 - my biggest inner perfectionist, knows how everything ought to be done, assertive to the point of being a bully, belittles others to distract from self; 21 - the charisma wannabe, big-talking partier who tried to emulate the drunken aspects of Dionysius; 7 - copied the role of father (my most frequent abuser), demeaned and denigrated in the voice of father. I'm guessing there are others that have yet to surface. Here's a snapshot of how I felt today: Putting it as succinctly as I can, PTSD + DiD is like being in a glass prison. I look outward and see dangers and impossibly high walls that I have to climb to achieve a modicum of what appears to come so easily to others. I burn with a desire for normalcy, for the trappings of a normal life. I would give anything for close friends, but my body physically prevents me from allowing anyone in. I can’t talk about my feelings, because to do so would expose my soft spots to the cruelty of others. So how will I meet people? When I arrive at work or campus, I’m consumed by appearances. What will they think if they know “x?” I CANNOT allow them to see “y.” I remind myself that no one is that concerned with me, which buys me five seconds of reprieve, but the intrusive thoughts overwhelm me and I’m right back at it again. It feels like my mind houses the planet’s biggest, most ruthless and efficient critics. I’ve adopted my abuser’s method of gas-lighting; the internal perseveration leaves me paralyzed.