Spouse with HSDD
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AlmostWell
- Posts: 43
- Joined: February 11th, 2013, 12:56 pm
Re: Spouse with HSDD
So happy to hear it!
Re: Spouse with HSDD
We found an amazing book that describes the dynamic of a desire gap in marriage. It is "The Sex Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner Davis, a marriage counselor. It so perfectly reflects each of our positions in this situation. The High Desire partner get's so much more from sex than just physical pleasure- it is directly related to feelings of self worth & acceptance. The Low Desire partner comes across as cold and uncaring because it is so difficult to empathize with the High Desire partner.
There are suggestions and techniques to solve or manage the issue. If you are in this type of a marriage or LTR, read this book.
In our case, things are pointing toward a low testosterone level for her. Yes, women make testosterone too, albeit at lower levels. But they need some for muscle growth, bone density, a feeling of well-being AND sexual desire. From what I've read, it is virtually impossible for a woman to have any sexual thoughts of fantasies, or to initiate sex, if her testosterone is very low. We are getting this tested and moving on!
There are suggestions and techniques to solve or manage the issue. If you are in this type of a marriage or LTR, read this book.
In our case, things are pointing toward a low testosterone level for her. Yes, women make testosterone too, albeit at lower levels. But they need some for muscle growth, bone density, a feeling of well-being AND sexual desire. From what I've read, it is virtually impossible for a woman to have any sexual thoughts of fantasies, or to initiate sex, if her testosterone is very low. We are getting this tested and moving on!
Re: Spouse with HSDD
Wow! I'm so glad I finally got off my butt and looked into these forums. I'm a 31 year old female in a one year old hetero marriage. My husband has expressed almost exactly verbatim the sentiments your wife expressed, Otter. It had been such a struggle and was this way before we were married causing some anxiety on my part about actually following through. I love him so much though and we are a perfect match on all other fronts it seemed like the waste of an amazing union to let our disparate sex drives come between us.
It's been a hard subject to broach as well as he often gets defensive immediately when I express my feelings of hurt and rejection. We only have sex about once a month and are both healthy and fairly attractive newly-weds. I have grown more patient and accepting of his lack of desire but I'm going to look into that book you found to see if we can't open the discussion up again. I still wish we were having more sex and my fantasizing has grown in the absence of his affection which leads to feelings of guilt and shame.
I would love to hear an update. I can keep you posted on my end as well as it's coming from the sex-hungry wife side which has a little different spin on it.
Thanks for sharing and it's good to finally have someone else ot open up to about this!
It's been a hard subject to broach as well as he often gets defensive immediately when I express my feelings of hurt and rejection. We only have sex about once a month and are both healthy and fairly attractive newly-weds. I have grown more patient and accepting of his lack of desire but I'm going to look into that book you found to see if we can't open the discussion up again. I still wish we were having more sex and my fantasizing has grown in the absence of his affection which leads to feelings of guilt and shame.
I would love to hear an update. I can keep you posted on my end as well as it's coming from the sex-hungry wife side which has a little different spin on it.
Thanks for sharing and it's good to finally have someone else ot open up to about this!
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desertrose74
- Posts: 2
- Joined: March 22nd, 2016, 2:25 pm
- Gender: female
- Issues: HSDD, drug addict in recovery
- preferred pronoun: She
Re: Spouse with HSDD
I'm the female who has HSDD. I cannot even begin to tell you the anxiety this situation causes me. I used to have the world's highest sex drive. Then, it just disappeared. I want it back, and I can't have it. I want to want sex, but I don't.
My husband is as awesome as anyone can be in this situation. He doesn't pressure, but I pressure myself. I cry often because I feel like he's been baited-and-switched. Sexual desire is just not something one can fake, I feel like it's obvious in my every move that I am completely unexcited. I still have the ability to orgasm, and he is very intent that I will orgasm every time, but it doesn't feel like that humongous explosion, release it used to be...it's a change in altitude comparable to stepping off a curb.
I desire to have sex, at this point only for the emotional connection with my husband. I desire to knock his socks off, and I feel embarrassed that I cannot provide for him in that way. And it's not that I'm no longer attracted to him, I'm not attracted to anyone.
I've always been sexually progressive, my husband and I are/were swingers, we met as swingers. I say were because my desire isn't there for anyone else, either, and we just don't swing much. The reason I bring this up is because I have encouraged my husband to find a female on the side to give him some strange and some excitement, and he has had just a few, but in the end this doesn't solve everything because there is still that element missing between us. I want to be the one that provides for his primary needs!
I'm participating in the clinical trials for bremanolotide, but at this point I'm convinced I'm in the placebo group because this stuff hasn't done anything.
Right now I feel like everyone else in the world sees in color, and I see grey...I want to feel like a woman again!
I just wanted to talk to some folks who are going through this, I'm tired of reading the clinical information on this.
My husband is as awesome as anyone can be in this situation. He doesn't pressure, but I pressure myself. I cry often because I feel like he's been baited-and-switched. Sexual desire is just not something one can fake, I feel like it's obvious in my every move that I am completely unexcited. I still have the ability to orgasm, and he is very intent that I will orgasm every time, but it doesn't feel like that humongous explosion, release it used to be...it's a change in altitude comparable to stepping off a curb.
I desire to have sex, at this point only for the emotional connection with my husband. I desire to knock his socks off, and I feel embarrassed that I cannot provide for him in that way. And it's not that I'm no longer attracted to him, I'm not attracted to anyone.
I've always been sexually progressive, my husband and I are/were swingers, we met as swingers. I say were because my desire isn't there for anyone else, either, and we just don't swing much. The reason I bring this up is because I have encouraged my husband to find a female on the side to give him some strange and some excitement, and he has had just a few, but in the end this doesn't solve everything because there is still that element missing between us. I want to be the one that provides for his primary needs!
I'm participating in the clinical trials for bremanolotide, but at this point I'm convinced I'm in the placebo group because this stuff hasn't done anything.
Right now I feel like everyone else in the world sees in color, and I see grey...I want to feel like a woman again!
I just wanted to talk to some folks who are going through this, I'm tired of reading the clinical information on this.
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Izzy
- Posts: 1
- Joined: July 14th, 2016, 10:20 pm
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Rejection
- preferred pronoun: He
Re: Spouse with HSDD
Wow, this story hits home in some many levels. I am having the same type of issues that you posted here. Been married for 22 years and have 2 kids. All the remarks I heard you say that your wife makes are identical to what mine says. I also break down every week or so. My wife just started to see a therapists but things are not good right now. The pain is real and unbearable. My wife will be with me once a month if I am lucky.
Just wondering how things are going for you after all this yime?
Just wondering how things are going for you after all this yime?