Is anyone out there an exercise addict?

[JustSadToday]

Not sure if I should really be posting here, since I don't have an ED (when I'm very depressed I sometimes fantasize about starving to death, but also bacon is a thing), but I am a little crazy about exercise.

I play roller derby and my sense of self-worth is a little wrapped up in how well I do with that, since my career satisfaction is pretty low. I have practice three days a week and I coach new girls on-skates once a week (I usually squeeze in a gym session that day, since it's just 2.5 hours of standing and rolling). I do three Crossfit workouts a week (I try to stick to strength workouts, since skating is my cardio; also I just love lifting heavy because it makes me feel tough). I take one rest day a week, but I try to do at least 20 minutes of yoga a day.

I tracked my food intake on MyFitnessPal for a while (I'm a high blood pressure risk so I wanted to track sodium), but I fell out of the habit. Working out isn't about calories for me, it just provides a very quantifiable way for me to measure my worth as a person. The stronger I am, the faster the am, the more points I can score or keep the other team from scoring, the better I am.

I'm usually healthy about it until a day comes when I can't make a scheduled workout for whatever reason. If I'm already depressed or anxious that day, forget it. I visualize my muscles turning porous and then into squishy fat. I think about how slow I'm going to skate and how weak my hits will be. It just ruins me and I start telling myself I'm a worthless, lazy piece of shit. Fun!

[Talia]

You certainly don't need to label yourself as someone with ED or any other label. But the negative self-talk is something we all have in common, and its worth seeking therapy for that. I have been going to therapy for a few years, and I never was aware of how frequently hard on myself I am. You deserve better, and you deserve to be happy...without it being contingent on how you dominate physically. Listening to this podcast and seeking support in this forum are great first steps. Keep it going, and let me know how I can support you.

[WiltedRose]

I know you posted this a while ago, but I was just reading over the thread. I can relate. Exercise has always been a big component to my eating disorder. (though I also feel it is crucial to my mental well being...) I think I use exercise to help regulate my horrible depression/anxiety . I also think the whole ED may be used to help manage the depression/anxiety as well. The ED/exercise are also problem driven by my OCD tendencies. (All these "pathologies" creating one viscious cycle!) I am not "ok" if I am not exercising daily. I am a lot better now (early 40's) than I was in my teens/twenties. I think now I know that I have to stay healthy enough to stay out of the hospital (because I have too many other responsibilites in my adult life which would fall apart if I had to return to an inpatient/residential tx setting). Currently I have a regular gym membership (which I do not use frequently - just an LA FITNESS place - hate those big commerical gyms). I am on an adult rowing team - which I love. ANd I do crossfit 3x week. But my therapist/doctors/dietician also have rules set for my exercise... and if I don't maintain a certain weight, if my caloric intake is below a certain number, or if I binge/purge the night before... I'm not allowed to to crossfit or the rowing. (i can still run outside and do "safer" things. But nothing as intense when I'm not doing as well with ED behaviors). I feel like my treatment team is helping keep me "safe", and I still can enjoy exercise ... their "rules" give me incentive to keep trying to be healthy in the other ed behaviors. I have been having a hard time in recent weeks (after doing fairly well, for me, since November)... But I'm trying not to get discouraged and keep moving forward. I hope you are doing well now . Please reply if you see this and would like to share where you are now!

[Mister_Man]

I don't know if I'm an exercise addict, but I feel some compulsions around exercise and diet. I also feel extremely isolated being an adult male with these feelings. I fantasize about starving myself into oblivion one day and then the next I'll get in the gym and lift until every muscle is sore and engorged with blood, feeling the pump and looking at my muscles in the mirror.

I used to be morbidly obese, about 350 lbs at 5'10". I've lost over 100 lbs now, but am still overweight so I am hyperfocused on exercise and diet trying so hard to lose weight on the scale. It doesn't matter to me if I look in the mirror and see more definition in my arms or stomach than I did the week before if the scale doesn't change. I track everything I put in my mouth, every rep and weight I lift and walk everywhere. I guess that wouldn't be so unhealthy except I'm preoccupied by it all and fast on occasion then go workout and feel really not so great and have low energy for most of the week.

I don't know if anyone else can relate to this particular thing, but I love the feeling of lifting heavy weights and I find it almost intoxicating. Inside my head I want to scream and be loud and whoop with joy when I break a personal record in something but I just lift in silence and try not to make any excess noise with the bar, or my movements. Then when I'm done I look around to make sure no one is looking at me. I often wish I could lift alone so that no one would see me, or judge me or -gasp- make eye contact with me. In my head I "know" that many are thinking "Ha! Look at that fat-ass struggling to lift that weight, what a failure, stay fat!" So then I go home and don't eat and can barely sleep because I'm so hungry and anxious.

[TUNK]

Hi there,
I was wondering what is the outcome with maintaining a permanent deficit in your diet......I log my food into myfitnessopal and sometimes it spits out a deficit especially if i'm doing some longer bike rides...just wondering..
cheers Peter

[WiltedRose]

You could end up like me, I suppose. I'm not medically cleared to work...on fmla currently bc my tx team and docs are on the verge of putting me inpatient. I passed out at work two wks ago and this transpired. Extremely depressed and hopeless and still generally burning in cal twice as much or more than I'm able to consume. I am scared. It is a hell I'd hoped to never see again

[TUNK]

Wow thats rather extreme....I feel rather embarrassed that I thought that I had some "issues"

[WiltedRose]

all of us have our issues. The severity at the moment doesn't mean anyone is suffering more or less. It's a rough disorder. In my case, OCD tendencies/ anxiety/ depression all contribute to my compulsive exercise/ food restriction/ etc. But we are all different. And we are all hurting and struggling. But try to have hope that not EVERY SINGLE day is the worst day ever - not every day is as much of a crisis as others maybe. Hang in there!
I do wish I had some advice or words of wisdom to contribute to help you. now is not a great time for me, But don't give up . Keep trying and striving for health!
Wilted Rose