present state

[Beany Boo]

I just want to say that I see that you were triggered, that it was life threatening and that you don’t know what to do this time.

I’m not frightened by your predicament. If anything I’m relieved. This shit is real.

I can only offer you this ancient wisdom: take it easy.

[Heatherwantspeace]

My partner and I play a cooperative card building game that is super fun but tense. You can't even take it easy when it's not your turn, the other player can be directed to mess with your lives/hand. The losses are crushing and the wins are glorious. Before the game starts, I have to sit for a moment and choose to disconnect from the outcome of the game. It's the only way I can enjoy it and not get cranky. He said to me, why don't you do at work what you do with the game?
Genius.

[Beany Boo]

Honestly, I feel like this is my problem to deal with. It appears like women where I work ‘survive’ the process of co-creating productivity, rather than enjoy it. I want to support you but I’m still working out how I can remove myself enough for them to enjoy work. I think part of my mental illness historically has been a result of witnessing a flow of countless micro-aggressions against women - my own acts included - and not being able to respond to dissolve them. That’s changing.

My wish for you is to enjoy your work even if your company directly benefits.

[manuel_moe_g]

You are a good man, Beany Boo, and an asset to this little forum!

[Beany Boo]

That said, from my experience, you can disconnect from the outcome, and then, reconnect. It’s not, either/or. It’s, whichever, whenever it suits you. Just because you’ve let go of the outcome, it’s still there; it stays. It doesn’t evaporate when you let it go. You’ve just put it down, maybe temporarily, so that you can participate in something more important, enjoyment.

[rivergirl]

Hi Heather,

Sometimes all the triggers seem to show up at once, don't they?

I'm glad you were able to figure out how the changes at work brought up your childhood issues, even though unfortunately that doesn't necessarily make the changes any easier to accept. It's heartbreaking to think of you as a child experiencing so much fear. It makes me want to extend a whole bunch more of snoringdog's Smilie hugs to little Heather.

I've had the same experience as you and Oak with the limitations of online therapy. I know some people prefer it, but I have a hard time feeling the same connection to my therapist without visiting his office. I hope you can find a local therapist willing to see you in person.

The idea of not being attached to outcomes is one I've been wrestling with since it keeps coming up in the online meditation courses I'm taking. It seems easier to detach from outcomes in lower stake situations, but very difficult when the outcome may be life-altering. Thank you for your explanation, Beany. Intermittent attachment seems more realistic and achievable.

Sending wishes for a week with fewer triggers, Heather, and for a well-deserved mental respite.

rivergirl

[oak]

I am in agreement with our dear friend Rivergirl.

I hope you had a good week!