I Can't Take It Anymore

[SmartCookie]

Can you clarify what you mean? Do you mean to be that manifestation for real, or for it to seem to him like you are that manifestation.

I think I mean the latter. He's a quiet guy and doesn't say much, so it can be hard for me to get a read on him, and he really doubles-down on that tendency when things are getting tough, but I know he's got his share of demons — it's clear in the way he talks about himself when he's frustrated and does share with me. I think the things I ask are reasonable, but the way I ask at times, I know, can be pretty condescending and feed further into that negative self-talk. It's hard to respect one's self while being sensitive to what it means to respect others.

It has been a terrible weekend. Another weekend of fighting, yelling, crying where we both wish we were dead because it would hurt less. We both have a shitload of work we need to get done tonight, and I am just completely brain dead. I went through two periods - about midnight last night and late this afternoon - of getting so angry that I broke down crying, if that makes any sense. So intensely upset, and I end up collapsing in a puddle and sobbing so heavily I felt like I couldn't breathe. I'm such a fucking mess. We both are. And I feel like I lose every time. We both end up getting so battered emotionally, and I don't even know which end is up anymore. Everything is so confusing.

That sounds like a very difficult place to be in, especially for the length of time you've both been feeling and doing the things that you describe.

She is angry at me for things that happened years ago and anything will trigger an angry flashback. She is afraid that I am going to leave her, and she keeps behaving in ways that are guaranteed to make it happen. She wants to connect with me, wants me to be honest with her, but she doesn't listen and gets angry and defensive and mean. She says she doesn't want to control me, but she flips out when I try to get support from other people by texting because she feels like I am going to cheat on her and leave her.

Those are some really serious patterns of toxic interaction you are describing. I have a hard time imagining that anyone would be faring any better than you are in the kind of atmosphere you are describing. When I think about myself, or the people in my life, and the kinds of patterns that in the situations we/they are caught up in, the biggest tragedy of it all for me is how hard it is for us to name and distinguish the things that feel bad because someone is deliberately trying to hurt us, from the things that happen and make us feel bad simply because we are in (or we ourselves are) a sick system. It's not so much that people are blameless... but that people are scrambling for one of the 3 C's (comfort, control, certainty) and in trying to maintain some sense of safety and emotional security, we literally can't give thought to anyone else, and we are alternately moving between abusing or being abused and feeling unwell in either state.

I feel so emotionally manipulated, abused and drained right now... and I know that if she knew I was writing this she would be furious and say how dare I act like I'm the victim! I lost my shit this weekend because she lost her shit first and just kept pushing and pushing until I couldn't hold back any more... and then I'm the asshole and it's all my fault. And all her problems and all our problems always come back around to things that I did, and how much she's hurt, and how hard she's trying, and how unreasonable I am. It's bullshit. I'm tired. I hate hate hate it. I still love her and I'm terrified.

I can feel the frustration and anguish and suffering in your words. I hope you have something in your life that you can feel good about, to help you cope, whether it's just a place you can walk to to get some solace, or something you do that you know you are good at and can feel proud of.

People have been telling me to move out or at least stay in a hotel one night for years. That I need to set a boundary to extract myself from these situations when they happen and get some distance from the things that she does/doesn't do every day that upset me. But I can't. I'm weak. I'm afraid. I'm pathetic. I'm guilty and ashamed. She threatened to leave and go stay in a hotel twice this weekend and I panicked both times and begged her not to go. I don't even understand why. I'm afraid of what will happen if one of us leaves, even for a night. If I left, I would never hear the end of it, and I would be bludgeoned with it whenever we had a fight about anything. There would be no turning back.

:: hugs ::

One of the concepts that has been really helpful and important in my recovery from depression has been understanding that things like irrational guilt, irrational fear and irrational shame do exist, do affect our daily functioning, draining our energy and spirit and making us forget our inherently value as human beings — and that there are ways to respond to it and to act from different places in our personality. What I'm describing is a cognitive-behavioural approach, mind you, which may or may not suit you, but it's helped me a LOT to write down my assumptions, then (maybe after a little while, a day or two, or after a cup of tea) come back and say, "So, is this actually true?" and to try and employ my imagination to think of ways things might turn out differently, or simply to be honest with myself, whether the things I think are "done deals" are actually just irrational fears on my part. In my case, fearing the worst is a habit that's actually worked out well for me, so it makes sense that I think being paranoid will work for me in the future; the problem is, the fact that the habit exists doesn't really take into account what I NEED to be to be balanced and well-functioning for the life I WANT (and have every right to pursue).

Coming at things from a place of judgment is really instinctual, especially if it's what we're hearing (or reading into what's said or done to us) all day long from others. So it's not surprise that when we talk to ourselves, we tend to take on the voices of the people who have said such things, or acted in ways that speak, to us with those same words. I don't think you are weak, or pathetic. I think we all get lost (sometimes for a very long time), but that we all have light within us, and that we all have long roads ahead of us for learning how to stay with our light while also honouring that of the people we are surrounded by, and that it is very hard to act consistently as if that is true.

Courage to you,

SC

[weary]

Thanks smartcookie. It has been a really trying few weeks (months... years). I've been trying to overcome the inertia to start posting more again, because I have a lot to vent but I also have a lot of things that I am struggling to sort out and I'm feeling a bit confused about. Hopefully I can get it together to post a little more later this week or this weekend. I just wanted to say I really appreciate your thoughtful response. I agree with what you have written. Our system, our dynamic is really broken, and we are trying to snap out of it and replace it with a better one but it is fucking hard. I have had some success with cognitive behavioral therapy in the past and have been trying to work a little more on it lately. I have a way of getting frustrated with some of those exercises - they seem too simple to actually be effective, and I have a lot of resistance to writing things down. I used to write things down more, but at one point, my writings were found and used as ammunition against me. I'm trying to move more in that direction. I have real issues with putting everyone else's (read: my wife's) feelings/needs/wants/insecurities ahead of mine to the point that I have lost a lot of who I am. It's hard to learn how to fix that without becoming a selfish asshole in the process, especially when you have a sick system in place, as you described it.