I am a female in my mid thirties who has struggled with severe anger issues since childhood and I have no idea where they come from. I have been depressed since first grade since all my kindergarten friends rejected me no bs and had several groups of friends do the same thing every couple of grades I was bullied by many guys at my schools and by 8th grade had no friends and was living as much in isolation as I possibly could (I even talked my parents into continuation school so I only had to go once a week and be one in one with the teacher no kids). My parents are very good people and wonderfully loving but had no idea how bad off I was, I never reveled anything except overreactive bursts of anger sometimes. My mom ran a daycare out of our home and I loved taking care of the kids and playing with them. I made sure that they were never witness nor the subject of any of my anger. Even if for some reason something triggered me and kids were around I would go out in to the backyard be sure no one was around and punch the back of the chimney until my knuckles where bruise sometimes bloody and my anger was spent. I am always forgetful with horrible almost dibilitating short term memory so I forgot my anger quickly in fact I had aurguments, you know teen stuff, with siblings or parents and five minutes later forget that we had fought and couldn't understand why people were upset. I never let anyone get too close. My younger sister had a friend that for some reason took a liking to me. She refused to let me wallow in my room with my heavy purple curtains being miserable and insisted that I come out and hang with everybody. My little sister is only a year younger and she was a social butterfly. It took that girl months and quite a few times making everyone hang out in my room before she broke me down and got me to go out into the living room, then to other people's houses. I honestly believe she saved my life.
Fast forward to my early twenties she dies from a heart transplant rejection, she had cancer and chemo as a child, congested heart failed as a teenage when I first met her and the transplant a year before she died. At the time I was in an abusive relationship with the first man to ever show interest in me he was 7 years my senior and emotional, mental, physically and sexually abusive. No one knew I made sure no body knew as far as anyone was concerned we were happy. He had a screwed up childhood and was a massive alcoholic. When he was loving there was no one better but when he flipped well things got ugly. His mother died sortly after my friend and I was no longer allowed to grieve since she was just some friend I should get over it already. He was soon diagnosed with pancreatitis, Ketoacidosis, sepsis and was dead 6 weeks later. Three weeks later I met someone, things are so much better with him its like I won the lottery. My older sister died early the next year from her 5 year battle with breast cancer. I lost my best friend, boyfiend and sister in the span of 1year. I have depression I can not shake and then two years ago my father drops dead of a heart attack out of no where at 65 years old he was never sick or anything.
My other problem is that I,.. I don't know how to say it. I think like a 5 year old, stupid things fascinate me I don't focus really well, I retain hardly anything I'm told to remember, groceries, changing batteries, oil change for car, bill payments but I remember every song I ever heard. I daydream constantly and am ridiculously entertained by the dumbest stuff, clouds, birds, I wonder where that river starts, I wonder if you could freeze that flashlight on that infomercial and then run over it if it would break, what was I saying...
So yeah, I have a little voice in my head that tells me I suck and I don't deserve to live the exact wording is a useless waste of good carbon atoms and water. I love my life but I hate being me, somebody else would appreciate it so much more and do better with it. Of all the people who I've had die on me it would have been better to be me (maybe not my ex). I haven't done anything, my family still needs my dad, my sister's three children still need her, my friend was on here way to being a brilliant psychologist. I am a worthless waste of space that can't do anything remotely right.
Anyway nice to meet you all.
