Ranting Family Members

[SallieMaesBitch]

Does anyone else have family members who rant and/or ruminate out loud? I have sever depression and when one of my family members talks nonstop, nearly completely about negative issues, it feels like my head is burning. I feel like a selfish asshole since clearly they are screaming out to have their problems heard, however I am not in a condition that I am going to be of much if any help, and when they vent, I just internalize it and add it to my own list of ruminations. I am in a position of some dependence on them unfortunately otherwise I'd add some distance between us, and when I tried to talk about it, I got shut down. Normally I just sit quietly and do my best to ignore them--which also makes me feel like an ass--and they keep talking about all the problems in their life. Sometimes when there is a topic that isn't negative or depressing, I do try to say something, to signal that I'd prefer that topic, but to be honest, usually my brain is feeling so fried that I am desperate for silence and so I still don't say anything. I don't want to imply that this person is a bad person, or that their issues aren't valid, but I feel like I'm a person who doesn't have legs and is being asked to help move a piano...I'd love to help, and it does need moved, but right now, I literally can't and forcing it on me is just making it worse for everyone. Also, I'm codependent, and even writing this makes me feel even more like a jerk!

[oak]

SMB!

I'm glad you posted.

You know I think highly of you, and I know you can handle what I'll suggest. Things are gonna suck, but then they'll get better.

You gotta confront this situation. You gotta use your words. Be respectful and everything, but draw a line in the sand.

This is a renegotiation of the scripts in your family. The old script, where they get to verbally dump on you, isn't working anymore.

I encourage you to sit down and write out what your new boundaries are. Tell this to your family member(s) at a time when everyone is calm. Tell them if their conversation upsets you, as decided by you, you will politely excuse yourself.

These people will hate hearing this, but eventually things will get better. I've never seen honesty, when given kindly and directly, have anything except good outcomes.

Of course you know your situation best, and when/how to broach this. But direct action is only solution.

You're up to it.

[TravellingStill]

This is SMB, I've changed my user name to TravellingStill to be less offensive and won't be using that account anymore.

Thanks, Oak. As always, I appreciate your comments. It's frustrating when two codependent people need to interact...

[oak]

Very good, TS.

This situation will come to a head someday. The question is not "will this suck?" (it will), but will you control how and when it sucks?

Either

status quo: you do nothing and they push you until you explode (you lose)

OR

you get in front of this, clearly and increasingly create boundaries, which they'll hate hearing (you lose, temporarily), until everyone gets used to the new normal (more of a win for everybody)

Keep us posted.

[NeonFirefly]

You're not selfish or a jerk. Sometimes listening to the thoughts of others, especially when chronically negative, can be draining.

This might not be the best solution, but I have family like this and sometimes I just physically get up and remove myself from the space. I go to the bathroom, take a shower, etc... My hope is that they subtly get the hint.

[TravellingStill]

Yeah, unfortunately the hint has not been taken. Sometimes I'll make to leave and I'll just be followed. In the rare times when I'm asked how my day was, I usually reply that it was a long hard day and I don't want to relive it and would prefer to think of something happier, hoping that this would get the point across, but then invariably it just goes on into a list of the things this family member is having issues with in life.

I feel really bad for her as she doesn't have a lot of friends or people she can talk to, but in the few times I've found the nerve to suggest counseling, she's been mad at me. An adult with a lifetime of untreated anxiety and depression easily explains her situation, but it's tragic because it also shows that if she doesn't recognize that she has a problem, she can't recognize that I do as well. I think that's the bigger part of this situation for me.

[Namu]

TravellingStill,

Much compassion to you. I relate to the feelings of wanting to help but having no legs! My "solution" has been to isolate. It's no good -- I need people -- but until I can put out more of my own fires, I have to get away from others'. I share oak's notion that boundaries must be stated and enforced, and consequences faced. I've lost a lot of relationships as the result of setting boundaries, finding them ignored, and (after reasonable follow-up efforts) walking away. I am lonely, but I don't regret a single one of those losses. I mean, I'm sad they had to end, but continuing in the company of, or relationships with, people who suck the life out of me causes rage, which inevitably gets taken out on innocents. Easy math: My priority is to do no harm, so I must protect myself from situations that compromise my self-control. Someday maybe self-love will factor in there as well.

Anyway, setting and enforcing boundaries doesn't ever seem to be easy, in practice, *especially* with family. I wish you clarity, strength, and success.

Namu