Hello from Hibernation!

[hooboy]

Hi there,

I can't be the only person that is hibernating indoors, knitting, and downloading every unplayed episode onto my phone...oh man, it's kind of the best.

Well - I'll introduce myself and my issues. Super dysfunctional upbringing, avoidant/judgmental father, mother w/ undiagnosed issues of varying stripes (now deceased - so we'll never really know, but definitely Cluster B stuff happening there - very likely Borderline, and later, severe alcoholism). Sister and I developed similar traits of avoidant stuff; definitely both people-pleasers afraid of conflict, with repressing-of-rage tendencies.

I have a diagnosis of dysthymia, GAD, have major depressive episodes - usually when my work slows down enough for me to think for a split second. I exhibit awful patterns of insecure attachment, and have NO gauge of what or who I actually WANT for a relationship, so basically whoever shows the slightest interest in me, I'm like, "oh. You'll do." And then inside my brain, you'd think I'd met "The One." It's ridiculous. Flash forward to weeks or months later, and I snap out of it, and say to myself, "What the hell was I thinking? This person isn't right for me at all! I don't even have a basic attraction to them." So then I push away and the other person has legitimately done nothing wrong, or different, but suddenly I'm giving them this distancing vibe and then I have to break up with them. It's almost gaslight-y on their end, like, this intense beginning and then a complete distancing, it's very disorienting for the other person. It's crazy that it's taken me until I'm in my 40s to realize what kind of an impact that has on me and the other person. So that's one of the things I'll be focusing on when I start up therapy again in January.

I'd like to get generally better at conflict/talking about difficult conflicty subjects with people I care about. Seriously, the adrenalized shakes I get just thinking about having to have a tough conversation is ridiculous. Especially because when it comes to work-based stuff, I'm completely at ease. But with people I care about? Yeesh. But again, that's part and parcel of being avoidant - you tend to avoid shit like that. And even with the relationship stuff, like obviously part of me craves companionship, but the avoidant part of my personality is so much stronger that the desire to push away even people I'm really well matched with takes over.

Anyway, that's the big stuff. Love the podcast so so so so sooooo much. It really IS a lifesaver. I was pissed to hear about Amazon pulling whatever shit they've pulled. How are you supposed to promote a promo-code if you don't PROMOTE IT? Stupid.

[oak]

Welcome! Thanks for posting. I'm glad you used your words.

I'm also glad you are going to therapy soon. Excellent! I hope it is rewarding, healing, and (dare I say) challenging (in a good way).

I must say I identified with your post! I am also in my 40s, and can (and do) have very difficult conversations at work. Now that I've built boundaries at work, I am treated more respectfully at work than I am in my family of origin.

I'm looking forward to your posts. Take care.

[brownblob]

HI Hooboy
I also have trouble with depression and being avoidant, so I can relate to that stuff. I hope the therapy helps you. Take care.

[hooboy]

Thanks for the replies, BrownBlob and Oak! I am scrolling through many a post on many a board, and may just throw my neck out from nodding a lot!

[bigeekgirl]

Hi! Welcome. Glad you are here.
I've always thought humans missed the boat on not hibernating like bears in the winter.

I have gotten better about it, but I used to be the kind of person to walk in front of a moving bus to avoid conflict. Not literally, at any point, but I certainly put myself in dangerous/harmful situations just to get along.
I can relate so much to "You'll do" in relationships. I didn't have any concept that I could say no, walk away or chose not to be in a relationship with someone who was interested in me. Ended up telling my now-husband I couldn't date him because this guy I'd been talking to first showed some promise in the form of manipulatively saving "I love you." The fact dude was unemployed, drove a $500 rust bucket and once shoplifted in front of me at the mall didn't matter.

Therapy is so helpful. I'm also a recent support group convert. Only took me six years of listening to Paul to go.

[hooboy]

Hiya BGG!

Oooo, I went to a drop-in support group for the first time a couple of weeks ago. (Because I'm self employed, my work schedule is erratic, and consistency is something I really can't promise with group attendance, sadly.) It was definitely something I can see the benefit of, even though there was one attendee who kept interjecting with their thoughts and comments when another person was trying to get something off their chest and I thought the moderator could have done a better job at reining that in and I started to get anxious that this person would just KEEP interjecting in unhelpful ways and my god isn't the moderator gonna say something and GAH I was getting some inner rage happening..... so I guess I learned that you can't control other people, lol. And to breathe. I also understood that I was a newcomer and so I mostly just sat and observed until the mod offered me the chance to speak, and I feel like I still just list my problems from an intellectual state - I am so far removed from feeling my feelings that giving people a detailed laundry list of my issues doesn't even really faze me. And that likely signals that I need to get vulnerable and connect more with what my life has contained.

[bigeekgirl]

hooboy - I understand all too well the idea of being able to think, write or talk about my issues without feeling anything. These days, I (mostly) feel things and I've gone through some grief over past issues. It's not fun but it beats dead inside. A while back, I got angry over something when it happened and it felt amazing. I used to talk myself out of feeling negative.

My support group has a "no cross-talk" rule which keeps people from interjecting while someone else is talking or . One problem we do occasionally have is someone going over the time limit of 3 - 6 minutes as timed with a three minute sand timer. It's so uncomfortable. Like, at what point does someone stop that train? As we are not lead by a professional facilitator, it's tricky. In my five months going, I find those who abuse it don't often come more than once, thankfully. They needed to vent, I guess, and thought it was a safe place. It is a safe place. I'd like to think if someone's sharing/venting got too much or inappropriate in subject, I would have the guts to say something.

I hope you keep going to the group or shop for another that feels good to you. If you feel like PMing me, I'd be happy to share details about the one I go to as our issues have much in common, perhaps there's some similarity in the solutions.