A Much Needed Complaint Session

[ss_rhae]

The past few months have been rough for me. It started with ending a friendship with a guy who used my anxiety and his openness to hear me out whenever I needed to try and get me to send him photos of myself to satisfy his needs. I don't do that shit. This guy had grown to be one of the closest people in my life over the past year, and it hurt to say goodbye, but I'm much better off now, so it's okay.

I also announced in late 2017 that I thought I was bisexual to some of my close friends. I wasn't 100% sure. My parents don't support any type of LGBTQ+ related stuff. They say that 'fags are disgusting' and I have quite a few friends that are gay or lesbian and it hurts me to hear them speak about human beings in such a way. One of my friends, upon hearing that I was questioning things, was very rude and told me that I'd go to hell for being bi, as well as for supporting those who are LGBTQ+. One of my irl friends is lesbian, and I don't think she'd ever out me because her parents are the same way as mine, but I don't know. My parents have been speaking in hushed voices around me lately and have been acting VERY strange, and I'm terrified that they somehow found out about me, even though I don't have those types of feelings anymore. I no longer consider myself bisexual. If they do know, my parents aren't the type to hear me out, so only time will tell. Maybe I'm just extremely paranoid. Maybe I'm not, and perhaps I'll be living on the street or frantically looking for a place to live here soon.

I am an online college student, and I'm currently taking College Algebra. Long story short, I've sucked at math since kindergarten. My brain and numbers do not mix. I thought the material at the beginning of the course was hard, but I'm now seeing that material as child's play. I've had a D in the class for the entire semester so far, and while I still have quite a long way to go to bring my grade up, I'm struggling so much with trying to bring myself to do any of the assignments. This is the last required math class I need for my degree, so if I pass it I'll never have to take another math course in my life. That's IF I pass the class.

Final thing I'm gonna complain about and then I'll be done. I promise. My friend is moving back to the states after moving overseas to live with her boyfriend. She's planning all these fun activities for me and her to do when I get back. Thing is, I live my life as a prisoner. I don't have a job. I am unable to get one, 1) because I live in a small hick town that has no jobs whatsoever, and 2) I do not have a vehicle, nor do I have my driver's license. My parents never signed me up for driving courses in high school. I'm 20, almost 21, and still don't have a vehicle or a license. I've done nothing significant in my life. There are 12 year olds out there making music and acting and I'm sitting here talking in botched algebraic equations and stuffing my face with party mix like it's something special. There's so much I want to do with my life but don't have the means to fund any of it. I'm waiting on my yearly refund from the school...if I get enough back I'll be able to buy a car so I can drive to work somewhere and move out of this house. If not, well then I'm screwed. My parents work the same shift at their job, so it's always just my brother and I at home. So even if I had a vehicle of my own, I still couldn't go anywhere because I'm my parents' free babysitter. My friend moving back and planning all these things makes me even more depressed feeling than I already am. I haven't been outside of this town in almost four months. I'm tired of living like a prisoner. I want to work. I need the money. I graduate in two years and this state sure as hell doesn't have the job my degree is meant for. Oh, and this hasn't been just a recent thing. This has been going on for years.

If you read all of this....bless.

[manuel_moe_g]

Read the whole thing. Please be self-loving to yourself, you deserve it. Please use this forum to help get through this massively difficult time.

[bigeekgirl]

ss_rhae, complain here anyone. You deserve to be heard.

I can definitely relate to the trapped feeling of not having a licence and a car. I didn't have a licence until 4 years ago when I was 34 due to a long chain of events starting with my parents not facilitating me going to drivers ed or having a car available to practice on. It wasn't so, so bad where I went to high school because it we were not far from a big city, but I moved away with my ex when I was 21 to a very, very small town. Everything is so much harder when you have to rely on other people to get you places.

*hugs* Keep working towards your freedom.