Yep, Troubles Indeed

[moonlightwatie]

So I'm dusting off my account after many years because I know this is a place I can come to for support.

Widow of 9 years. (another subject entirely)
Cis female bisexual
Neurospicy--mental illness runs in the family. plus side--my folks and I have been talking about therapy and meds for years.

For over 3 years until yesterday, I was in a closed triad with Sweetie and Darling. We live together and have for most of the 3 years.

Sweetie is cis and straight and we dated (and lived with each other, long story!) for a total of 8 years. It was a good partnership. I always thought I was just borrowing Sweetie from the Universe. So I knew it would end but as time went on I thought we would have quite a long time together.

Darling is a trans man that is a great boyfriend and the two of us have developed a healthy relationship over the past 3+ years.

Darling and Sweetie met shortly after I moved back to my hometown 4 years ago from where we were living together to get a job with benefits. Sweetie was welcome to sleep with other people, but he was scared to tell me so he ended up lying to me about it. I knew he was lying, and I got pissed and decided to start sleeping with the one person I told him I wouldn't sleep with again. (Yeah, textbook soap opera shit. Won't do that again.) Then I started to get to know Darling and we hit it off so well we decided to be a Triad.

The three of us have a good connection, but there are a couple of huge conflicts of interest:

1. The cis straight guy dating a trans man thing. I want Darling to transition however he feels is appropriate. Sweetie, not so much. The two of them have decided this isn't a hard limit and is worth discussion. Not what I expected, but more power to them if they can work things out.

2. Sweetie has decided having kids is important to him and I'm childfree.

3. Sweetie also wants to buy property with his Mom and I'm not living anywhere near her. She was shitty to him as a kid and I've had to do SO MUCH EMOTIONAL LABOR to counteract that.

Even with 2 and 3 in mind, I figured hey, we're poly, and we love each other, so maybe Sweetie and I can continue sexytimes even if we're not living together anymore? We've done it before.

Three days ago, Sweetie asked for space during a disagreement by saying something obscenely venemous that invoked one of the most traumatic experiences of my life. (Just think of the WORST thing someoene could say to you about your trauma that hurts way more than it would have if they'd punched you in the nose.) Sweetie and I are done. He does not have access to my heart or body. Painful decision that I did not have to question for a nanosecond.

So here I am, at the end of the second full days post Triad breakup. Darling and I are still dating. I'm also not going to anyone else in the near future. I need to work on myself before trying to create a new bond (or enhance an existing one) with someone.

Sweetie is horrified at his outburst and has offered apologies. He is starting to realize how well I treated him and why I can't do that anymore. I asked him to accept that the only way I'll consider being lovers again is if he does a metric fuckton of therapy so he reaches a point where he can regulate his emotions and express his feelings and needs in a respectful manner. Even then it's not guaranteed. I'd probably want to do couples therapy before deciding too. I have no idea when I will be ready to entertain those thoughts, anyway.

Today, I reached out for help from chosen family, and started to look for my own place. I want to stay close to where I am now because my folks and my sister are here and I have an easy commute to a great job. I also have a couple side hustle ideas that will also help me. I hate moving away from Darling, but I need to put myself first.

[Mental Fairy]

You come first, your health mental and physical needs time to heal. Focus on yourself and your priorities. I admire your post very much.

[oak]

Thank you for sharing.

That is terrible that this person said such a terrible thing. No one deserves that.

Larger picture, and this is just me musing: I wonder why people act so destructively, so contrary to even their own interests? I’ve also noticed that people are much more unhinged, or disregarding if consequences, since the pandemic.

At any rate, I hope things get better for you soon!

[troebia]

Hi moonlightwatie, long time married cis guy here offering you unsolicited and maybe offensive advice

This Sweetie guy, by wanting to buy a place with his mom is effectively saying that you are not part of his plans for the future. I'd say, move on mentally however painful that may be.

What are Darling's long-term plans? If you have both enjoyed being in a triad, maybe find some substitute(s) for Sweetie? My ingrained cis mentality also thinks, will you want to have children and what kind of stability would you be able to offer them? Depending on how much you value your family and work situation, you could perhaps afford to put some hard limits into your relationships.

[moonlightwatie]

Thanks for the replies.

Couple things--
Sweetie and Darling are in their mid 30's. I'm 48.

Sweetie can only get property with the help of his Mom. She has her late husband's VA loan, and her living at the property is a requirement.

Darling wants to spend more time on his digital art and transition. He's supporting his Mom (who is a lovely woman) until her pension kicks in at the end of the year by working retail.

There's no changing my mind on the kids thing. I got my tubes tied when I was 25 and haven't regretted it one nanosecond.

I'm planning on sticking with just Darling as a partner for the time being. Seeking out other male companionship would be incredibly easy. It's not what I need in my life right now. I really should have spent more time alone after Mr. Watie died, but I met Sweetie a few months later. Just like I met Mr. Watie a few months after getting out of a 5 year relationship. I'd rather not repeat that pattern again.

I hate that Sweetie and I broke up, but there's no way I can continue to date a person who can even THINK what he said to me, let alone say it. He had a terrible childhood and wasn't given any good examples of healthy relationships. He's at the point where he needs therapy, not a partner to do all the emotional labor for him.

[troebia]

Seeking out other male companionship would be incredibly easy.

Sorry, I can't relate to the feeling of just holding out one's hand and have intimacy and sex come raining down
Can you, Oak?

Anyhow I can agree with what you say, moonlightwatie, about the value of spending time by yourself. Often I feel, and also see in others, the tendency to define one's entire life by the relationship(s) one has. There's very scant "alone" time, or at least time spent without bouncing every single thought off of another person, or even sharing them online for validation. There are dark times when I'd very much like there to be someone who could silently understand me fully and gently soothe me, nudge me in the right direction without the transactional and negotiating parts of a relationship. Maybe that can only be achieved in a spiritual, religious connection with "god"...

[moonlightwatie]

Anyhow I can agree with what you say, moonlightwatie, about the value of spending time by yourself. Often I feel, and also see in others, the tendency to define one's entire life by the relationship(s) one has.

I so resemble this! In the past 35 years, I've been in four major relationships. The first one lasted 5 years, the second was 18 years with Mr Watie, 8 years total with Sweetie, and in a Triad with him and Darling for the last 3.
Darling and I have been together for three years. I could totally see myself continuing to live with Darling, because our relationship is healthy. We can talk about anything, and he hasn't got the insecurities that have been an issue in previous relationships. He's very loving and caring and not possessive. Plus he has two cats that I adore.

I still love Sweetie, but he's got work to do on himself and needs to figure out what he wants from life if I'm not in it. Totally textbook age gap relationship crap. I was the younger one with Mr. Watie, but he welcomed the opportunity to be a massive influence on me.

I could use for some time alone. I just need to figure out the best way to go about it.

[troebia]

I could use for some time alone. I just need to figure out the best way to go about it.

It's incredibly easy. Develop an obsessive antisocial interest in things you're not very good at For me, that's gardening and welding. Other candidates would be model railways, tinkering with 80's computers or some sort of collecting, such as rare minerals or Barbies. Delete all social apps from your phone and do not answer calls from unknown numbers. Pick up massive fantasy/sci-fi book series from second hand bookshops and plow through them. Get a crew cut, no makeup and don't wash more than once a week. Don't go out to eat, cook all your own meals. After a month or two, your libido will have shrivelled to a husk because you'll have become invisible to other people. Just joking of course...

[moonlightwatie]

Thanks troebia!

So the last few days have been kinda hard and kinda not. Work's going ok, med decrease is as well (oh yeah I'm ramping down from 40mg of Prozac to 20mg two weeks ago. ).
I'm mostly angry at Sweetie. He doesn't understand that me chalking our breakup up to differing opinions regarding parenthood is the best way to briefly explain our breakup. The friends I've confided in about what he said share my outrage and understand exactly why I had to walk away. They also say I'm being too kind to be quiet and graceful about this breakup. I just want to keep it private. Time will reveal, anyway.

Made a breakup playlist. These things do help, lol

On a whim I decided to see if I could find affordable housing in SoCal. Stumbled upon a small mobile home not too far from here that might be doable under the right circumstances. It's only a year old and seems to have been on the market for that time. If I go this route, it also means I can take Darling with me if need be. My credit leaves a little to be desired but I may be able to get some help tidying it up a bit. I think I may be able to pull this off, too! Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

[troebia]

More unsolicited advice:

Let go of your anger. Pardon, but do not forget. Look forward...do the songs of that playlist help you do that?

If the mobile home means downsizing and a change of town, it could be worth a chance imo but investigate a bit first. What is the second-hand market value for those homes in case you change your mind? What are the conditions of the land lease the mobile home stands on? What kind of community is there at the location?