Long-time listener, first-time caller...uh, poster?

[anxietygirl]

So, where to start? I've been listening to the show for about a year, and lurking on the forums. I've been in therapy my whole life, on and off. I'm still not sure if it's helped or if I'm just broken beyond help. Was diagnosed with ADHD at about the age of 11, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder when I was 25. This is what I know of, though - as a kid I would throw temper tantrums and go through weeks-long periods of depression. My dad told me at the age of 3 that I should be kept in a mental hospital. (One thing therapy has helped me with is working through this, to some extent - I've come to realize a lot of this was the product of the dysfunctional environment I grew up in. As my therapist at the time put it, behavior problems in kids that age are always learned from somewhere, or a reaction to something. Or maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for myself,..who knows?)

I"m now 29, going to be 30 in a month, and I've gone from achieving a relative extent of stability to being on the verge of completely fucking everything up. I went away to college at 18, which was the best decision I ever made - having grown up with parents who refused, and still refuse, to let me be an adult (wouldn't let me get my driver's license, gave me no advice whatsoever and actively discouraged me when it came to things like renting an apartment, credit cards, etc.), I gradually learned that I could do things on my own, that I could have control over my own life, that there were people out there who would accept me for who I was, and that not everyone's parents spend every waking moment drinking, screaming at one another, and trying to make everyone miserable.

I graduated, was working at a job I loved, and foolishly chose to start a PhD program on the other side of the country. That was 6 years ago, and I've been miserable ever since. I don't fit in there at all, and still don't understand the culture of my discipline and department. I love having had the opportunity to travel and meet interesting people, and I enjoy doing and talking about research itself, but my project has turned into an unstructured, unmanageable mess, and the thought of presenting anything to my colleagues terrifies me to the point where I haven't been able to actually write anything or even articulate the thesis of my project. Yet I refuse to quit because I wouldn't be able to live with knowing I wasted so much time on something that failed. Part of it is just that I need to sit down and start working through my data, but it's hard to get motivated - I want to use my work to do something meaningful, and there is very little support for people who want to do anything other than pure research. That', and I'd no longer have an acceptable excuse not to live at home, and I'd have to admit that my parents were right when they told me moving here was a mistake.

I have 2 years left before my school stops funding me, and I feel like my life is over. Whether I graduate or not, I have almost no job prospects and even fewer relationship prospects, and most of the time am too anxious and miserable about the future to make alternate or long-term plans. While most of my friends are starting careers, getting married, etc., I feel like I've missed a window for doing all those things and I'll be lucky not to live on the street (which I'd rather do than move back in with my parents, if it came to that).

Sorry for the long and depressing rant...thanks for listening. Not sure exactly what I'm expecting from posting on here...maybe just to tell my story to someone since I can't seem to do it in a way that makes sense otherwise.

[gfyourself]

Hi anxietygirl,
I just wanted to let you know that I read through your post. I don't really have a lot to offer that's not advice that I should be following myself.
I can say that I'm 10 years older than you, have felt and still feel the way you've felt about "missing the window", and still to this day wish I'd just gotten or actually get (present tense!) on with my life looking forward rather than thinking about what I've failed to do.
Its good that you actually enjoy what you are doing. At least you could work on that while perhaps developing your options.
I'm sorry your parents don't seem to be all that understanding.
I hope that helps.

[oak]

Hello, welcome, anxietygirl.

You are most certainly not alone.

I hope you find healing with your anxiety. I also hope that things turn around with your family.

No matter what, you are a person of intrinsic worth and dignity.

As someone with a graduate degree and job search troubles, may I share a few thoughts?

Any and all of which you are welcome to take or leave.

I am sorry you are in a phd program that you don't like. Is it your particular department, the field itself, or both?

Though I only have a masters, here are some things I wish I knew earlier, suggestions to consider which may mitigate your future heartache:

As long as you are a student, you have resources that we don't have here in the cruel, cold world.

If I were in your situation, I would go tomorrow and tell the following people/offices what you told us:

1. Your advisor
2. Career services
3. Campus counseling

Again, academically I can't suggest much, but maybe they'd be willing to give you a masters rather than have you continue on a phd.

If you do complete your phd, go in with your eyes open. From my understanding from articles in the chronicle of higher education, you can increase your odds of gainful post-phd employment if you:

(I am assuming, perhaps incorrectly, that you plan to teach with your phd. Please correct me if I am wrong.)

1. consider "alt-ac" jobs/careers
2. are willing to relocate
3. are willing to teach/work at a two year college
4. do not have a partner who'd need a dual position
5. are not in the humanities (I hear the hiring rate to teach humanities is awful)

Whether you'd want to teach off the tenure track is a whole 'nother story.
Also, I am assuming you want to stay in your field. If you can't see yourself in your phd field, then right is now the time to have a bunch of heart to heart talks with yourself and your advisor.

On a little lighter note, 30 is very very young to be pursuing relationships

Why it is just the beginning of the start of the earliest reaches of one's prime.

Please disagree or clarify anything I wrote here.

The happy reality is that you have options.

Whatever hard work, skill, and charm got you into a phd program you still have, and can serve you well as you leave, whenever that is.

The key increasingly becomes action.

However, lest I seem smug, feel free to check out my thread of heartache. Humility!

http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=61&t=8186

Hang in there. I kindly encourage you to have those tough conversations.

You've already been brave enough to admit it to yourself, and to post it here.

Keep telling people what you told us until someone helps.

Keep us posted. You're going to be okay.

[anxietygirl]

Thanks for the advice and support. I've tried reaching out, but can never quite get to the point of taking action...I always convince myself that anything I do will make matters worse (I have a great imagination when it comes to thinking up absurd worst-case scenarios), and usually I just end up driving everyone away with my negativity.

I'm in the process of trying to figure out exactly what it is I don't like about my situation...whether I actually do hate the work itself or if I'm just in an especially dysfunctional setting. A lot of my colleagues seem to be similarly miserable, and I think at least admitting it to myself and trying to figure out why can be a step toward critiquing and hopefully changing it (maybe in this case the fact that I don't understand the culture of my discipline is actually an advantage). I think talking to some people - career services, my adviser, etc. - will help, and maybe getting some distance from everything (I notice I'm much happier, and much more enthusiastic about my work, when I'm away from campus for research and conferences, so this gives me a bit of hope that maybe I haven't wasted the last few years altogether).

Definitely keeping an open mind when it comes to location, non-academic careers, etc. Unfortunately finding support and resources to actually pursue some of these things is pretty challenging. But I will keep trying. Looking forward to hearing how things go for you as well!