Depression and Deadlines

[saraholivia]

Hi Everybody,

I'm approacing some major deadlines in my life. We'll, sailing pass the deadlines and starting to feel overwhelmed by the work I have left to do. I'm finishing grad school so there is a lack of structure in my day and I needed to submit my thesis weeks ago. I'm able to make a plan and stick with it for a few days, but then it falls apart and I spend a day or two unable to do anything. My fiance is really positive and wants to help but it just makes me feel like more of a failure that I can't finish. I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to stay motivated to push through when the depression makes it really hard to find structure.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello saraholivia!

I don't want to bum you out, but my productivity currently has a lot to do with my really working at embracing failure.

You see, I am a failure. By the standard set my myself in my early life, I am a failure and will always be a failure.

OK, now what!

My problem is with anxiety and depression. Over the long weekend I was thinking and realized that my life is run best in two modes:

[Mode: 1] (1A) Managing anxiety with courage and patience, and not just using anxiety as an excuse to indulge in self-harmful-over-long-run distractions (1B) Managing fatigue with patience and wisdom and pre-planning and effort and realism

[Mode: 2] Motivation from (2A) desired fulfilling goals and (2B) avoiding failing at my critical responsibilities

Since I am a lousy failure, I often am used up just trying my best to do Mode 1! (And I am not even good at Mode 1!) Failing failures never get to Mode 2, and I have a wealth of objective evidence, then, that I am a failing-failure-face!

OK, now what!

Well, if I was talking to a loved one, I would tell them that they are not a failure, they are actually making strides in the face of a difficult situation. Their greatest success is a process of growth, irrespective of outside measures. That is what I would say to a loved one.

But, because I hate myself, and I know I am garbage, I tell myself I am a failing-failure-face.

So it is a skill to move away from the response of self-hatred, and move toward FAKING like I really love myself and deal with myself with compassion and patience and wisdom and skill.

Embracing my "failure" was like a mule-kick to the middle of my chest. Many times, it still makes me very sad.

But running over the facts as I write them down in my notebook, I cannot escape what seems to be the only way to deal with myself with compassion and patience and wisdom and skill.

I don't want you to be sad or suffer, so I cannot recommend the above to you. You are the expert on your own experience. I don't want to push my autobiography onto you, because you are the expert on you. Please take care, all the best, we here are all cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow! We are cheering for you to make the proper decision for yourself, because you are the expert on you!

[I have to be honest. The above is a work in progress. I struggle.]