Intrusive thoughts/ grief

[GriefPancakes]

I joined this forum about a month ago. I struggle to post here or anywhere for that matter. Anxiety loves to stop me after typing anything out.
Anyways.. here goes.
I wonder if others who have lost someone close to them have daily (still 7months later) intrusive thoughts? Those finally weeks of suffering/pain and the image of my son dead are nonstop. As soon as I start to have a moment of peace and forget he’s gone ... boom image of of my dead son. Or nonstop reel playing of him begging me to not let him die “mommy I don’t want to die I want to be big gigantic boy”.
Yesterday was a bad day. I could feel the swelling in my chest and the sadness setting in. But my other children were home and I didn’t want to completely breakdown(once I start crying it’s hard to turn it off). I started power cleaning my house. Then went on to my Jeep. Went as far as to pull the seats and carpet out. Fortunately my husband knows me well and could see what was going on. He came out and helped me disassemble my seats and pull carpet. He cranked the music up and was just with me. Sometimes I think if I didn’t have him here for all this I wouldn’t have made it.
I’m not sure if it’s the right way to go about dealing with the intrusive thoughts. But it did help for a while.
I know I need a support group and counseling. We live in a rural area so there is really only one option and due to covid it’s not going at the moment.
My kids do a online teen grief support group with other kids who have lost a sibling.
Sorry for typos and all that

[manuel_moe_g]

I wish I could help your pain. Please know we are thinking of you, sending you good vibes over the internet wires. Please take care, GriefPancakes.

[oak]

Agreed with our dear friend Manuel Moe, GriefPancakes.

While I've not lost a child, I did lose a sibling 25 years ago. Seven months is by no means "too long", though it is well within the time "well meaning people" will spout not-helpful platitudes.

I am very sorry for your loss and your ongoing grief. I am glad you posted here.

[snoringdog]

Hello GriefPancakes,

Your post is so hard to read... really gut-wrenching. There's grief, but this is on a different level... You have been severely traumatized, mentally & emotionally.

And the helpless feeling you must have had when he knew he was dying and you couldn't do anything....No wonder you are haunted by this!
You'll need to cry this out one way or another..... but understood about your sensitivity to your other children....

(I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't had anything close to this at all in my life. I was with my father and my aunt at their respective passings, but those were "normal" end of life situations).

As far as throwing yourself into constructive chores - sometimes that's all you can do.
When the mental turmoil is too great, the breathing, meditating & mindfulness practices just can't be marshalled.... and the energy needs to go somewhere.

And what a blessing to have a supportive partner! (who I am sure is grieving as well...) Often these kind of tragedies seem to pull people apart.

When you first posted, and I had an inkling of what your screen name implied, I was reading an anthology of poetry written after the Indian Ocean tsunami of 2004 (on Dec 26).

Here's an elegy written for those who were swept away.
May I offer it to you in acknowledgement of your heavy loss?


IN THIS VAST GALAXY (by Daniela Gioseffi)

In this huge and bustling world,

you were given only a speck of time

in which to love --

in your aborted life, sister, brother,

father, mother, daughter, son.

You slowly burgeoned and sprouted

from your chrysalis to die too soon,

sweet trace of nectar on your lips,

as all of us,

delicate as butterflies,

gone too soon,

reigning too briefly to understand our power,

or our beauty

our scepter stilled, pen silenced,

just as we're fully bloomed.



Wishing you well, and do post here as much as you wish- we are listening.

Snoringdog

[GriefPancakes]

I wish I could help your pain. Please know we are thinking of you, sending you good vibes over the internet wires. Please take care, GriefPancakes.

Thank you. I do appreciate it.

[GriefPancakes]

Agreed with our dear friend Manuel Moe, GriefPancakes.

While I've not lost a child, I did lose a sibling 25 years ago. Seven months is by no means "too long", though it is well within the time "well meaning people" will spout not-helpful platitudes.

I am very sorry for your loss and your ongoing grief. I am glad you posted here.

Me too. Feels good to “say” it. Thank you

[GriefPancakes]

Hello GriefPancakes,

Your post is so hard to read... really gut-wrenching. There's grief, but this is on a different level... You have been severely traumatized, mentally & emotionally.

And the helpless feeling you must have had when he knew he was dying and you couldn't do anything....No wonder you are haunted by this!
You'll need to cry this out one way or another..... but understood about your sensitivity to your other children....

(I'm embarrassed to admit that I haven't had anything close to this at all in my life. I was with my father and my aunt at their respective passings, but those were "normal" end of life situations).

As far as throwing yourself into constructive chores - sometimes that's all you can do.
When the mental turmoil is too great, the breathing, meditating & mindfulness practices just can't be marshalled.... and the energy needs to go somewhere.

And what a blessing to have a supportive partner! (who I am sure is grieving as well...) Often these kind of tragedies seem to pull people apart.

When you first posted, and I had an inkling of what your screen name implied, I was reading an anthology of poetry written after the Indian Ocean tsunami of 2004 (on Dec 26).

Here's an elegy written for those who were swept away.
May I offer it to you in acknowledgement of your heavy loss?


IN THIS VAST GALAXY (by Daniela Gioseffi)

In this huge and bustling world,

you were given only a speck of time

in which to love --

in your aborted life, sister, brother,

father, mother, daughter, son.

You slowly burgeoned and sprouted

from your chrysalis to die too soon,

sweet trace of nectar on your lips,

as all of us,

delicate as butterflies,

gone too soon,

reigning too briefly to understand our power,

or our beauty

our scepter stilled, pen silenced,

just as we're fully bloomed.



Wishing you well, and do post here as much as you wish- we are listening.

Snoringdog

Thank you that is beautiful.
He is grieving too. Though he doesn’t talk about it much. The only time I’ve seen him cry since we met was after he carried our son out after he had died. He had promised our son he wouldn’t let a stranger do it.
We have both said on many occasions that this feels unbearable. That really is the only way to describe it. Unbearable.

[rivergirl]

GriefPancakes,

I don't think there can be a right or wrong way to deal with your intrusive thoughts, it's only a question of what helps you to grieve or just helps you to get through the next few hours.

I haven't lost a child so can't know your deep & vast pain, but just wanted you to know that I hear you and wish there was anything I could say to ease your sorrow.

rivergirl

[snoringdog]

Hello GriefPancakes,

Unbearable. I can't imagine.

Forgive me, but another offering, if you'll indulge me?
(We have a Music thread here where we've posted songs or music that we sometimes turn to at various times).

The other day I got to watch the musical Hamilton online, and there's a song called "It's Quiet Uptown". It appears after the Hamilton's son is killed in a duel, and they move uptown to try to find peace, and to reconcile after the discovery of an earlier dalliance on Alexander's part.

Some of the sentiments may be consoling to you and your husband.

First is from the show, sung by Hamilton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMAoOGnw9qQ

Second is a cover by Kelly Clarkston
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MdBws54ZHyY

I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find others to help you through.

Snoringdog

[remarks]

GriefPancakes,

I'm so sorry for your loss and how you feel. My wife suffered a bad miscarriage 11 years ago and it still brings me down. I can't imagine how you must feel.

You are doing a good thing for yourself: you are talking about it and getting help. I'm sure your son would want his mom to be happy. It will take time, but you are on the right path.