duck's diary

[Sherlock]

Wow, some of your co-workers sound like ASSHOLES. Just to back you up on that. Talking about the employment of someone while they're right in the room is completely rude and insensitive.

Have you talked to your employer about your issues? I hope in the state you live in (but I want to believe it applies federally on anti-discriminatory policies) that you're protected if you tell him you have mental health issues and are on medication. He can't let you go based on the fact that you have side-effects of that--memory loss, fatigue... it's hilarious I'm forgetting the third one considering the first thing I mentioned. Oh, lack of focus and emotional sensitivity, that too. He has to have more reason to fire you, like you just fucking up constantly and hugely rather than making small mistakes, or not showing up for weeks as opposed to taking a day or two off because you feel too fatigued to work. I dunno, I know it's really sticky when it comes to work and mental health issues.

You're really right about us living in an aggressive and rigid environment: I'm in California, filled with Northern Californian hippies, and I can tell you that it exists even here, and it is all a result of the American Puritan work ethic. It's embedded into us--if we aren't doing "enough" we're a piece of shit. It's not like that in all cultures or countries, I can tell you that much. If you feel unwell in other countries, they're like, "Shit, go rest. You can't be productive if you feel like shit--eat and sleep it off." Logic like that doesn't penetrate to many Americans who haven't experienced any various illnesses, unfortunately.

But I mean, if they do let you go... I know you want money to help you make ends meet for your family, but just flip them the bird and be determined to find a better work environment, being upfront about your mental illness issues. Not using them as an excuse because that's not what it is--it's "I make mistakes sometimes because of how my mind works, but I will absolutely correct them myself if I don't catch them myself, and please treat me fucking nicely if you point out a mistake, because otherwise you're going to be dealing with an employee who is now a MESS and can't work s well." Basically make it clear that you are absolutely capable of work if the environment is supportive and understanding, because most of us dealing with issues are when we are actively in recovery. Work HELPS recovery when it's a good environment. Again, this might sound tough... I know a lot of American jobs will let you go because they really don't get mental illness--but I guarantee you there's a job environment out there somewhere that will get it.

Also all a kid wants for a long time is for their parents to love them. Hopefully by the time your baby(s?) grow up to the point of more cognizant realization of who they are and who you are, you will be in a better place--and even if you aren't, I can say as a child of a mentally ill mom that we're the most forgiving for your limitations. It gets harder when they get older and if they develop their own issues (like I did), but I still never blame my mom for my problems--I see the whole picture. Even if I'm annoyed at her or frustrated at her, you already do way more than she does--you're reflective, you're in recovery, you're trying, My mom seemed to give up on herself when it came to therapy and that's mostly what annoys me at age 23-going-on-24 and still living with her--I want her to be better. The past stuff is in the past, you know? So just show your kid you care, you love her even if she's loud and exhausting (of course NEVER letting it on too much that she is that), and yes, maybe have that discussion with her when she asks the question.

I hope you're doing well today and improving every day, but don't hate yourself for the setbacks. I'd say you're fighting the fight valiantly; have compassion for yourself. And yay for jogging! Get the endorphin rush from that.

[duck1]

Hi Sherlock,

It was a nice surprise to see your reply.

All the shit I wrote about at work was stuff from my previous work place, that I still ruminate about

Today I think I am in a much better place.

Thanks so much for listening, your comments are helpful.

[duck1]

just the little things in life that wear me:

fighing with my kid about really stupid things because we are rushing.

not being listened to in a conversation, feeling dimissed, feeling invisible.

passive agreesivness of the girls at work - rolling there eyes if I said something weird, or tmi, that's a really big one- a real bummer, I usually say "did I say something wrong."

jogging in the same boring paths and seeing the same buildings (i do try to jog to different places but at the end you have to return to the same place).

Seeing that my husband is just as tired and overwhelemd as me.

Thinking that I did not choose the right career, but knowing it's not feasible to change right now.

Hearing my coworker complain about their salary etc.

Hearing form another coworker( do you begin to see a patern here?), tell me, how other people with similar education/experience, have a higher salary, now WTF am I supposed to do with this most useful information, yes ma'am you have made me bitter....

another coworker saying to me, u don't really an MA to work in this department (she works there to and has no university education), so I say "maybe not but I do feel my education helped me perform my job better".

My dad, who is a wonderful man, ovbearing me with detailed stories, needing my attention like a kid, and knowing I will never be able to be contained by him in the same way. He is a wonderful man, but he doesn't have this ability. and my dear mom is dead.

[duck1]

sometimes I wish I had no feelings. They should invent a button that puts you into "machine mode". They just stand in your way of survival. I talked with someone are work who I realy admire. In retrospect, I sounded really stupid in the conversation. I really just feel live groveling to her and telling her how right she is and how stupid I was. What good would that do? She would not comfort me and give in to my need of feeling loved and appriciated. It would only be unfair and draining. So I just wrote an email not to her, but cced her, basiclly saying she was right and I understood and accepted her point of view.

[duck1]

So today I have a problem, I may have found a partial solution and I would appreciate nonjudgmental advice and input.

Ok, so you know how one may feel uncomfortable in ones environment if it is too cold, too warm, smelly, light, dark, messy....

I feel uncomfortable at work when other people are talking....

Just hearing the conversations among people. The negativity, the rubbish, the fight, the complaints, the struggles, the problems, the politics, the gossip, and not only that, I think sometimes just the normal sharing and questions.

I'll give one concrete example- they talk a lot about benefits, how so and so who work in so and so department gets more money and more benefits than another so and so. Or how once the contracts were better, this really bugs me, I don't want to focus on this, I don't think there is a lot I can do.

Its like I have no skin and all the words, struggles, aggression, topics, penetrates into me. Ideally, I should work in a room by myself with the door closed (preferably looked ). I cannot leave my work.

So this really wears me down sometimes, on certain days. Don't get me wrong, I understand people need and like to talk, but if it was just intermittent 5 minutes here, 5 minutes there and so dominant I'd be fine.

So when I felt this way today, I put on my earphones and listened to some music. I have not done this in the past very often because I don't want to appear aloof, snobbish, and disinterested (which obviously I am-disinterested). I was afraid to appear unprofessional, and also, it's not so friendly if someone wants to tell me something.

I should say that there is another lady in the office who does put on head phones.

Also, the music I listened to (old Genesis if you are interested), really pulled me out of the pit I was in. It really did to me all the wonderful things that music can do, and from the point of distress, and sadness I moved into a much more relaxed, generous and open state. Just numbing out all the chit chat, stimuli that I didn't want to occupy my mind.

I wonder if this is a good, viable solution, or if I should somehow change my outlook.

[manuel_moe_g]

The earphones sound good. Maybe try to acclimate yourself to a few minutes of conversation everyday, then when you need to turn it off, just put on your earphones and be embraced by good music.

All the best, duck!

[duck1]

thank you manuel_moe_g ! That sound good !

[duck1]

where is "how do you feel now?" I feel like shit , right now. I have no one to tell this, and I now that my mood is infectious, and that my bad mood means trouble to the whole family.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hoping you feel better. Take care, duck, we are cheering for you!

[duck1]

So, i'm in a bad mood, really want to snatch out of it.

I guess it's a compilation of things, but what really affected me today was something a coworker has said to me today. and it was not the first time. She really pushed my button.

I work in the public sector and my salary is determined by a level system.

so she said:

"You know for your age, you could have really gotten a higher level" (the system ranges from 7 min to 14 max and i'm at 9-duck1 ). "I got level 7 when I started but I was 23 and really couldn't ask for more..."

On the face of it she says it not to tease, but as though she is angry for you, that ou got screwed....

There, I told you about this misrable incidnet and I feel better.