high stress, please help

[sandy]

Hi, I am new to the podcast and the forum. I have a problem I don’t know how to deal with. My older brother lost his job and apartment so my husband and I invited him to live with us and my elderly mother until he got back on his feet. That was 10 months ago. Every time anyone tries to talk to him about his plans he gets emotional and defensive. I should mention he is 47 years old. I told him 3 weeks ago and again 1 week ago that he need to apply for 3 jobs a week or I would begin turning off the wifi between 5pm and 8am every night. He plays Farmville constantly. Yesterday was the deadline and when I asked if he had applied for 3 jobs his answer was “fuck you.” So I turned it off. He basically had a meltdown. He screamed and stomped and called me names. The spare bedroom is directly above mine. To get back at me he stomped as hard as he could on the floor at 12, 2, and 4 AM. What makes me the craziest is that he would not have pulled this childish crap if my husband were home. He is away on business. If my husband were home my brother would be homeless today, probably sporting a black eye. I know he must be suffering from depression but there is no way on earth he would go see anyone for it. He won’t even take an aspirin for a headache. Any advice anyone could give me would be greatly appreciated.

[marathonbar]

Hi there,
first of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It must be tough on everyone. My advice would be to check out www.nami.org, specifically the family-to-family section. This is a group that helps family members deal with the mental illness of loved ones. Good luck.

[dare i say it]

This is a tough situation for sure, but in my opinion you're doing the right thing by insisting that he have forward progress toward putting his life back together. Sometimes when we try to help people, we inadvertently take their power away. It's a very difficult thing to do to set limits and to help someone by allowing him to find the power within himself. Unless there's a lot more to the story, it sounds like what's needed here is some tough love.

One approach would be to insist that he either bust his ass getting a job, or bust his ass in treatment with a mental health professional to figure out what's holding him back. He must not rely on you to pay for this treatment or else it defeats the purpose of doing it. In the meantime, he must bust his ass around the house--cooking, cleaning, shopping, yard work, taking care of your mom if necessary. Accept no excuses. The only legitimate excuse is that both his arms are broken. It's not about you telling him what to do. It's about him making a choice. He doesn't have to live there if he doesn't want to. If he responds to any of this with righteous indignation, stand firm. It sounds like your husband will back you up on this too so that's good. Help each other be strong.

[sandy]

thanks for the reponses. Just writing it out has helped me think about the situation clearer. That and an uninterupted night of sleep. I can see now that my husband and I need to set clear rules about what is required from my brother in order for him to continue living here. More effort on the job search and finding a professional to talk to about his mental health issues.

[terryb]

Why u r letting this 47 year old walk all over u for 10 months is the question. He does these things to u bc u let him.

[sandy]

I set limits. I told him he had 3 weeks to find a job. His reply? "you are violated my civil rights by viciously denying me access to the internet. i am documenting this. I have a right to access the internet." what the hell? he is living in some kind of fantasy world where I am a dictator and he is lowly surf. I tried to explain to him that we pay for wifi, we let him use it. It is not a right. I said he had the right to go to the library and access the internet there. i also told him that i had the right to kick an asshole out of my house any minute I choose. I am trying to chill out. I just didn't imagine that his grip on reality was so loose. How the hell can you argue with someone who thinks that I am violating his rights but turning off the wifi? I'm making an appointment with my counselor. i wish my huband was not 5000 miles away right now.

[sandy]

I am trying not to freak out here. I made myself an appointment, but its not for 3 days. I am so uneasy thinking about him spending the past 3 days focusing entirely on the supposed "abuse" he is suffering. It's as if he is in a feedback loop and he can't think about anything else. i told him i have been telling him for 3 months that we can't support him anymore. He said don't change the subject. He kept trying to get me to admit turning off the wifi at night was my way to punish him. And then the way he informed me, as if it were some kind of legal pronouncment, that he was documenting what I was doing to him. As if there's going to be a future court battle over it. It's creeping me out. If I am the oppressor, what action would be justified to overthrow my evil reign? I can't kick him out, he doesn't even have a car to sleep in, but I don't want him in my house anymore. I hope my counselor can help me figure out a place he can go.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Sandy. You don't deserve this abuse and threatening behavior. It is so sh*tty that he takes advantage that your husband is gone - that is so low down.

I would begin process with the police. Just go downtown, find a lady cop, and ask the proper steps to protect yourself to evict this threatening abuser.

Wishing you all the best!

[sandy]

I'm working on this to give my brother. I waiting for my husband to call to see if he agrees with all the details. I'm so glad I had this forum, just imagining a sympathetic ear or two makes me feel better.
(brothers name)
I'm writing this down so that you don't forget it later.

(husbands name) and I have decided that we will give you access to the wifi signal that belongs to us for 24 hours a day. I will revoke that privilege if you curse profanities at me or violently stomp on the floor with the intention of waking me in the middle of the night or otherwise act in a threatening manner towards me. If you act hostile toward me I will call the police and have you evicted immediatly. I will no longer tolerate being treated badly in my own home.

We have also decided that it would be best if you applied to over the road jobs only. That way it will be easier for you to go back to staying in hotels on the weekends like you did before we invited you to stay here 10 months ago.

Consider this your eviction notice. It will take effect the day you get a job or April 16th 2012, whichever comes first. The day you get a job we will need you to take what you can of your belongings and put the rest into boxes that we will store until you can get them.


We have tried our best to help you, I'm sorry if you feel we have not done enough. I think you are suffering from depression. I hope you look for and find help for that.


3/26/2012

[manuel_moe_g]

This is more than fair. He knows what he has to do to have a place to stay until April 16th, and he knows you will get the police dept help if he gets abusive to you in your own home. He knows that people can see he probably get professional help for depression. That is great, good for you!

From this MentalPod board - some places to get help for people with limited resources:

• Help for little or no money
• Best Insurance Companies/Types for Mental Health Care
• Links for More Mental Health Info/Suicide Hotlines