Greetings and Salutations!

[TreeHugger]

Have you ever hugged a tree? Just wrapped your arms around a trunk and put your face in the bark and felt the strength and the solidity and the LIFE? I highly recommend it. The forest and the ocean give me strength when I think I cannot possibly go on for one more day. The birds and the insects focus my attention to the incomprehensible beauty that surrounds me everywhere, at all times.

I am a 36 year old woman, and I work as a park ranger naturalist in a big western national park. During the busy summer season, I do public education programs on trails and in campgrounds, sometimes for over 100 people. Sometimes I go to local schools, or welcome students to the park, for education programs about plants and animals. I also spend hours at a time in our busy visitor centers, answering questions about trails and roads and campgrounds and anything else that park visitors can ask. I help them all with a smile and a joke, and I go home drained and exhausted.

In the past few years, I have finally started to understand that the people around me see me in a much different way than I see myself. THEY see a kind, intelligent, funny, gentle, generous, loving woman. I volunteer in my community. I say yes whenever someone asks for help. I am a good friend, daughter, sister, aunt, and an all-around decent human being. What I see is a fat, ugly, nerdy weirdo who waxes poetic about bugs (bugs!!!!) and looks terrible in my uniform. When I wake up in the morning I just want to crawl back into bed and hide from the world, embarrassed and ashamed of the horribly ugly person I am, inside and out. When I get home from work, I am so totally spent, I often collapse on my couch and fall asleep. I spend all of my energy focusing on making it through the day--I have no concept of “the future.” I lay awake at night, worrying and crying and making up scenarios about how much people dislike me. I am so incredibly lonely, and I isolate myself because I fear people getting to know me. I’m afraid they will see the hateful ugliness that is constantly threatening to boil over.

I’ve been in therapy for a few years. It’s helping (I think), but veeeerrryyy slowly…. This pod cast has been a big help for me, because it reminds me that people CAN indeed overcome their demons. I’ve been doubting that a lot lately.

[algernon]

OLA TREEHUGGER!!!

Welcome to the forum!

I have hugged many a tree in my time, mostly climbing them which is very tree intimate. The smell and the sense of being "in" the tree like it was a room of a house is how I see it. I also helped my cousin and two uncles plant over 6,000 evergreen trees up in Sullivan county, NY so so many years ago. Monster trees they became long ago and now......I dunno. I hope they're still that forest I helped make.

What a great job you have! That reality surely supports good mental health. Concerning your human problems, coming to this forum will offer you many answers. It's exciting to consider!

[imnotcrzee]

Hi Treehugger!!!!
We have a lot in common..
I am a fellow tree lover and had a job similar to what yours soundsnlikemafter graduating with an environmental diploma.
That was many years ago. We are roughly the same age and what you describe as how people see you and how you see yourself is a constant struggle for me..
I get it. I get understand the contradiction and how exhausting it is..
We recently moved to a property outside the city... An acre of my bliss - full of trees. I talk to them, watch them, listen to them, and take care of them. It has been so long I am loving getting back to nature - this time on my own terms and where and when I choose which has made a huge difference for me.

You are in the right place. This podcast and forum are incredible. It's like a support group that is open 24/7 whenever you need it.
Welcome. This is a Safe place, there is no judgement here and releasing your thoughts by posting has been an incredible therapy for me.
Even if you are lonely, you are not alone. We are all here to help each other.
Welcome.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello TreeHugger, welcome to the forum!

I help them all with a smile and a joke, and I go home drained and exhausted. [...] When I get home from work, I am so totally spent, I often collapse on my couch and fall asleep. I spend all of my energy focusing on making it through the day--I have no concept of “the future.”

I relate to this. Social interaction is very draining to me. I hate myself for how drained I am just from being alive, even when I try to have the very least amount of "living" inside my waking hours.

Please forgive yourself for improving slowly - you deserve compassion, and you deserve compassion from yourself. All the best, take care, we here are all cheering you on towards your very best today and tomorrow.

[Murphy]

I lay awake at night, worrying and crying and making up scenarios about how much people dislike me.

Man, do I know how that is. I don't understand the point of it either. We decide that people don't like us with absolutely no evidence to support that assertion, and then come up with several ways that that situation might manifest itself. I don't know if it's some kind of preemptive defense mechanism or what...like if we find out someone actually doesn't like us, we can say "aha! I knew it all along!"

What I see is a fat, ugly, nerdy weirdo who waxes poetic about bugs (bugs!!!!) and looks terrible in my uniform.

To each their own. I'm super excited about my new job which involves a lot of spreadsheets and charts. My reaction is "WOO!! DATA!!" Other people's reactions: "Uh...and you wanted this job?" You love bugs, whereas I do the stereotypical girl thing, jump up on a chair, whining and pointing until someone gets it out of my site.

Also, no one looks good in those uniforms.

[TreeHugger]

Wow. Thanks for the welcome! I'd like to respond personally to them all, but trying that on my iPod would drive me batty. Just wanted to say thanks for the kind words and encouragement. Now I will try to get back to sleep. Did I mention my crippling insomnia....?

[Paul Gilmartin]

Treehugger,

Man, you are making me Jones to go camping!! You sound like such an awesome person. I'm so glad you found the podcast. I TOTALLY relate to that spent feeling after talking to people all day. When I would finish a day of taping my tv show, I would collapse in bed and sleep from 7:30 pm to 6:30am. It just drained me. I suppose a lot of it was the anxiety that I couldn't let anybody down by not being "nice enough" or "interested enough". Almost like I had to act happier than I really was. I felt like if I showed them my depression, it would bring them down or it would make them pity me, which seemed almost a worse alternative than putting on the happy face. And these were all great people, but when depression gets you in its jaws, conversation and smiling feels like such an effort. So welcome and thanks for reminding us how awesome nature is.

Since I'm stuck in the city, I have to settle for woodworking (mostly sustainable woods) to get in touch with my love of trees. But I love, love, love the Sierra Nevada and the Pacific Northwest. Love to climb, camp and backcountry ski.

Paul