Relapse

[heart]

For a month my anti depressants worked and I felt like my old self again, minus the asshole. But I accidentally double dosed on my Prozac and I don't know what happened but it stopped working after that. It's been a week of depression and its so hard to live like this again. I feel like my life and soul has been taken away again. And I'm sorry for being whiny it's just in that month, I started planning my future and it has been so long since I've even conceived of a future. The memory of that month is so special but it also hurts so much because I'm so scared I'll never get it back.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Relapses happen, maybe so we can appreciate what we've been given more.

[Rosie]

Hi Heart

Can you go back to your doctor, perhaps you need to overhaul your medication so something else works better? I'm sorry you're feeling depressed I promise you it won't last forever. Remember to be kind to yourself, you will have the future you want, this is just a temporary blip x

[heart]

Thanks Rosie, you are so kind! I really needed to hear that

Its scary starting a search for a psychiatrist but it needs to be done. Anyone got any tips?

[Rosie]

I'm so hopeful for you, I remember being your age like its yesterday. I muddled through till my thirties and you've recognised you need to deal with your issues now, you're amazing. This will mean you can give yourself a fresh start now and you won't have to muddle through. I can recognise your huge heart and I hope you will recognise that too. I've only just realised that helping others (volunteering) will get me out of my head and will put me back into the world, perhaps this is something you can think about.

Hope you find some good treatment but never forget to be kind to yourself, you sound pretty great to me!

[BecomingKind]

I was about 17 when I realized something was "not right" with me. I talked/chatted about it alot with friends I could be honest with. There was one older girl/woman (now realizing how typical that is ...) I would chat with almost daily, sometimes off and on for hours. That was therapeutic and probably improved my "trajectory", if you know what I mean, but I never got close to the actual problems. It has never felt as bad since then, but I really wallowed in self-pity. Brain felt constantly burnt out. Accomplishing anything in school or with friends felt like wading through a pool of mud.

At about 19/20, it was clear to me that "I'm not mature to be in a healthy relationship". My needs did not match what girls offered, and if they did it would lock me in a child-state. I didn't articulate it, but I decided to abstain from relationships until I felt differently.

As time passed I got distracted with other things and people, but the basic deficiency remained and resurfaced in various situations. The prospect of forever being alone slowly removes the motivation for anything. Here's a quote from "Healing the shame that binds you" (John Bradshaw):

As forms of energy, the disowned parts of us exert considerable influence on us. Shame-based people tend to be exhausted a lot of the time. They spend a lot of energy holding on to their false self-masks and hiding their disowned parts. I have compared it to holding a beachball under water. Virginia Satir compares it to keeping guard over hungry dogs. The repressed parts exert lots of pressure by forcing us to keep their opposites going.

He suggests that a panic attack is the re-emergence of repressed emotions in condensed time. I don't get panic attacks, though. For me it's a constant slow burn.

If the idea is to "mask it" or "block it" with drugs, the natural ability to feel and integrate emotions will atrofy. Then when you try to get off the drugs (or your addiction of preference), the emotions of shame etc are too strong to handle at once.

Dealing with the underlying problems closer to thirty, with the added shame of having "failed" your twenties and possibly life, is not preferable. If you make plans, make sure they include "fixing" yourself, and not with drugs. I thought I was fine until about 24/25. Only recently I've begun to remember childhood experiences with less and less censorship and connect the dots. Still looking for a solution.

If I sound too harsh, it's because it's partly directed at me. I'm trying to think what the 17-year old me would have needed to hear. That's a good topic. And therapeutic.

[heart]

Hey BecomingKind

Wow your story really resonates with me. I really get that burnt out feeling. It was so bad before, I used to just not show up to school for weeks and nearly failed all my classes. Like just talking to other people felt so straining, maybe its because I was putting up that mask thing like you said. I also get that relationship thing at my age especially. I've only had 3 serious relationships but they were all messed up because I never felt comfortable and never felt like I deserved their love. So I self sabotaged them and actually just broke up with my boyfriend a month ago because I realized I was too emotionally unstable and I didn't want to hurt him (cliche?). Does anyone ever have this weird mentality thing where you've just spent an amazing day with a person and will feel so much anxiety and fear calling them again because you feel like they like you so you don't want to ruin it. I don't know what it is but I feel like the time spent with them is a fluke and as time goes on I'll mess it up.

Anyway, I spent the first year of my depression not even looking at medication because my parents wouldn't allow it. I tried to treat it very spiritually myself. But it was never enough because sometimes when the depression puts me in that catatonic state it negates all the progress I've made. Now on medication, even though a therapist is too expensive, I think I'm finally clear headed enough to analyze my destructive behaviors. I know not everything is chemical but it helps me to hold onto the spiritual and psychological progress I've made if that makes any sense.

Only recently I've begun to remember childhood experiences with less and less censorship and connect the dots. Still looking for a solution.

Yeah I feel like a lot of my childhood memories were repressed or minimized by the people around me. I don't know how to go about finding out what really happened. How are you exploring it? If that's not too personal. I tend to over share, well you can tell from this post. Thanks for your reply it really made me think and feel less alone!

[MCspeaks]

Heart thanks for sharing...relapses in depression are so discouraging, not only to us but to the others that are trying to help us. The one time I cancelled on a therapy appt. was actually because I had been doing so well, and then relapsed and felt ashamed and didn't want my therapist to see my fall.... Even then I knew how ridiculous it was considering she is the least judgmental person in my life! It just goes to show how much we want (or at least I want) to 'perform' for others instead of taking care of my needs in more of a mutually beneficial way.

You are moving forward, even when it feels like backsliding, because you know more now than you did before. Anddd it's especially great that you can recognize a relapse, or a mood change, instead of just going about your business and believing that was 'just how you are' as opposed to depressed or reacting to the medication.

Keep it up! And I will try to as well!

[BecomingKind]

this weird mentality thing where you've just spent an amazing day with a person and will feel so much anxiety and fear calling them again

This might have to do with getting stuck in certain roles. You start the relationship as the "fun/happy" you, and then become afraid to break the relationship when you need to shift into a different role. It's not only about vulnerability or fear of not being understood - it is also difficult to have fun with the friend you cry with because you might be afraid to lose that intimacy. If you need to be comforted and listened to, that doesn't make you "weaker", and it doesn't make the guy "a savoir", or anything else. It's very unlikely that a guy will understand, but he will probably be willing to listen. Conversely; if a guy needs to be comforted, it doesn't make him a loser that can't have fun.

Maybe it's like this. A person thinks, because of her secrets, she doesn't deserve to be happy. So she can't have fun around people who know the secrets, because she feels she is being judged and shamed.

Being "compartmentalised" like this by someone feels frustrating and insulting, and I've done it as well, unintentionally. But, people don't pair up and have a connection if they aren't equals on some level. Looking back, it seems all the girls in my history had something up with them that wasn't really understood. Maybe attachment-issues work like that.

I think a mark of a healthy relationship is being able to shift between roles seamlessly, because there are no egoes or shaming secrets to protect.

How are you exploring it?

I remembered a few things spontaneously, during chat conversations or while thinking about something. Then I've forgotten again, like forgetting a dream after waking up. I think you have to be able to make sense of it without shame or confusion, otherwise it drops out of consciousness. I first remembered an episode from kindergarten when I was 19/20, but I couldn't make sense of it. There was no use for it in my consciousness then, so it faded out.

I don't think I could talk about or remember things spontaneously in real life conversations, when the "shame-shield" is up. It might be a matter of trust. Sitting down and scanning the brain for things is difficult. Approaching it (whatever it turns out to be) slowly in conversation is easier, as you can probe for understanding and ability to relate.

I was listening to old loveline episodes for a period without thinking it had any relevance to me, but then one caller described a problem that resonated, and slowly one domino fell over somewhere in my brain. Paul's podcast helps similarly.

"Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw, as mention in Alycia Schlesinger's episode, is really good.

[manuel_moe_g]

The one time I cancelled on a therapy appt. was actually because I had been doing so well, and then relapsed and felt ashamed and didn't want my therapist to see my fall.... Even then I knew how ridiculous it was considering she is the least judgmental person in my life! It just goes to show how much we want (or at least I want) to 'perform' for others instead of taking care of my needs in more of a mutually beneficial way.

You are moving forward, even when it feels like backsliding, because you know more now than you did before. Anddd it's especially great that you can recognize a relapse, or a mood change, instead of just going about your business and believing that was 'just how you are' as opposed to depressed or reacting to the medication.

What you wrote, MCspeaks, is so awesome! I appreciate this reminder!

[heart]

"Healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw

Wow I just read the first few chapters and it is incredibly insightful. I never thought much about shame being the driving force behind my depression. I guess I looked at it as mostly chemical because i felt I didn't really have a reason to be this broken. The more I think about it the more it makes sense. I can hardly look back on my childhood or at my father without this unexplained wave of shame.

I think I'm really going to start pressing my parents for therapy now because I do have a problem with compartmentalization (that was such a big word! I hope I spelt it right). Thanks for listening to my problems it feels so amazing to be understood and it touches me that someone would take the time and just know you've really helped me take the next step in my recovery. I wish there was someway I could help you like you've helped me but I guess all I can say is thank you for being so kind.