Because of you..

[Rosie]

To my Mum and Dad

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else inBecause of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's emptyBecause of you
I am afraid

Kelly Clarkson wrote this and if I could express myself through lyrics this is exactly how I would describe my state of mind. Although I don't cry because I'm numb, Rosie

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Rosie. Your answers on this board are totally awesome. You have a huge kick-ass heart!

[Rosie]

Thank you so much, I just wish I had someone, anyone I could call my own, I am so jealous of people with a partner who loves them. God I wish I wasn't such a bloodly screw up. I should have a husband and children but I have no-one. I cannot f*cking grasp the fact that people are depressed when they are the centre of their childs universe how can they not be on cloud nine! I am so scared that I will live my entire life with this huge empty void without any affection, any love, any comfort, anyone to bloody talk to!

[Rosie]

Sorry Manuel I seem to be drowning in self-pity and wine tonight! Thank you for your support it means a lot to me and its so good to come on here, it helps the loneliness xx

[panseypusher]

Hey Rosie
I feel like we could be sisters. I always have had that hole in my heart. And I always watch other people that seem to be loved by everyone or they are just plain old happy. I never seem to be able to have that for myself. Sure people say they love me...but... half the time their actions say otherwise. Or is it just my perception of the whole thing?

Or is it just ME? Seems that the only true person I can count on is myself.. But then again I'm just a fuck up. I feel like I don't deserve anything good. When things seem as if they are good. Then some how I mess it up or just wait for the bad to show up. Its such a horrible cycle. It sucks because I feel like my whole being is my job that I have had for 23 yrs. I have a son I have 7 grandkids. But I still feel alone. I lost my parents and never got to feel like my dad loved me. But he sure loved my step moms kids. I don't think I will ever get over that.

Sorry I rambled on to you...But I guess I needed to vent. Hugs to you and hope things become easier for you. Thanks Panseypusher

[manuel_moe_g]

I can only speak from my autobiography - I can't give you the advice that you deserve, because of my limitations. At one point in my life I was suicidal because of horrific shame at my undesirability and longing for any kind of relationship. Now I have a wife and daughter. I still have problems, just not the same ones I had before. It isn't always perfect, because a wife and teenage daughter are good to take turns hating daddy.

Please allow yourself to really live, now, and don't hold yourself hostage. Because you deserve it, you deserve to really live. You are too good to have your happiness be conditional upon another. There is such a thing as climbing the mountain, and finally seeing the river-valley on the other side of the mountain - but you deserve to be really living and be a whole,happy person every step of that climb. Please take care, and all the best.

[Rosie]

Hi Panseypusher

Thank you for your reply, I kind of regretted blurting it all out. I agree with you actions speak louder than words and I never heard I love you as a child, we weren't that kind of family (still aren't). I hope we can both learn to love ourselves but I agree it's hard when the people who were supposed to love us the most just didn't. I'll be your online sister, my sister estranged herself from all the family because she couldn't take the continued rejection. I guess I put up with it because I haven't got a family of my own so I haven't been able to walk away like she did because then I'd truly be alone. It must have been hard to watch your father with his step-children but I bet in his heart you were the one he loved but maybe he couldn't show you through his own hang-ups. I called my father the other day and confronted him and said his life revolved around his wife and his biker buddies and I was at the back of the queue. He told me I was talking rubbish but I stuck to my guns and said that I would like him to call me now and again (he never has), he ended the phone call with well give me a ring! I said no you call me! Bloody talk about breaking the cycle!

Again thanks for your words, let's try to fix the hole in our hearts together, Rosie x

[Rosie]

Hey Manuel

Sorry to lay all that on you. I guess I just never thought my life would be like this, running away from all my relationships so I always end up alone again. I guess at the heart of me I grew up with a violent bully for a dad and a woman robbed of her spirit who kept running away or trying to kill herself - so I cannot put up with any kind of crap from anyone I just walk away. I was the only one in my family who stood up to him mind you I got punished for it but I had no respect for him. I want a family of my own but I don't know how to achieve it. Do I just keep picking the wrong ones or am I giving up too easily? Do I need to work on myself some more because I realise I do need to be kinder to myself?

I want to climb that mountain and be whole I really do, I know I need to find happiness but sometimes loneliness is a killer. Thank you again for your kind wise words, Rosie

[apb7721]

I am not usually a fan of ballad songs but I adore Kelly Clarkson and this song. Thanks for posting this. Its a great song with a strong message

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Rosie. The pattern with working on yourself is that it get more painful before it gets better. I completely understand the longing for the loneliness to just end. My own loneliness was mostly about preserving my ego and not risking rejection. And it got more painful before it got better.

Please take care, we here are all cheering for you! Your contribution here at the forum has be definitely noticed!