Long Story Short...But Still Pretty Long

[remarks]

Hello fellow podcast lovers! I’ve wanted to introduce myself for a while now, but keep putting it off because I can’t seem to find the right words. So screw it, here are words, right ones or not:

I stumbled upon the podcast via iTunes and initially listened to the ones featuring familiar names (Adam Carolla, Beth Littleford, Theresa Strasser, etc). I wouldn’t say I was officially hooked until the Phil Hendrie and Dr. Zucker episodes. Those not only struck some big nerves with me, but also inspired me to hear more. So now I’m going back and trying to catch up on previous shows.

I am in my late 20s, married, with two young children. My childhood was a mess, but I didn’t fully realize it at the time. I don’t feel like I got to ever be a kid, yet at the same time I don’t feel like a grown up all of the time now. I am the product of a drunken one night stand between a married man (with three kids) and a clinically depressed (and bi-polar) woman. Somehow, these two ended up married for four years, which was a big mistake. My dad cheated in every relationship that I know of. I blamed myself for my parents divorcing when I told my mom that a strange woman was coming to our house every day after she went to work. Now I know that this marriage was doomed from the start and it’s best that it ended when it did.

So I spent my adolescence living with my mother, who proclaimed herself to be “crazy.” I played the parent role for the most part. I had to make sure the bills got paid before she blew her check. That was…when she actually kept a job. I’m not sure if she had more jobs or we had more places to live. (At last count, I’ve called 24 different places home.) She would spend days sleeping on the couch. She would often sneak away to cut herself. She often told me that I was the only reason she hadn’t killed herself (what a fucking compliment that is). She also raised me to be very judgmental, especially toward people who had it better than us…especially relatives. If my aunt got a new car or my cousin got to go on vacation, she spewed hatred about that person for months. I still struggle with this issue, even though I don’t want to. She also felt the need to tell me stories constantly about her life. How good it used to be. How men used to want her before she was fat. How her dad promised to buy her a house and never did. How her step-dad raped her. Good bedtime stories indeed.

Once I grew up, it seemed like everyone wanted to tell me how shitty my childhood had been. This was a revelation to me because I didn’t think anyone really knew what it was like. So now I wonder why the hell all of these people didn’t do something to help me when I was just an innocent boy?!

My dad is a long story. Let’s just say we were never close. He died a year ago and as much as I wanted to truly grieve for him, I just couldn’t do it. I’m not happy that he’s dead (although my mother told me that she is), but I know we would still have the same awkward relationship if he were here today.

It wasn’t until after I got married and tried to separate myself from my mother that I realized the kind of strange relationship that we had. She saw (and still sees) my wife as competition. I think my mother saw me as her companion. I knew we never had a normal parent-child relationship, but now it seems that she’s jealous of my wife and I. She wants to do things with me like go to movies, travel, etc. It’s strange. I thought I made it clear that I had my own family now. The worst part is, my mother thinks that we were really close, but we were not. Maybe we laughed at the same TV shows together and enjoyed going out to eat dinner, but I never opened up to her about anything. I never felt like I could. My wife is the only person I’ve really opened up to and I think my mom knows that and hates her for it.

So you can imagine the awkward and stressful situations I’m in when my mom is around my wife. I’ve always wanted to move far away from here and not interact with my mom beyond holiday visits, but that hasn’t happened yet. My wife is starting to feel the same way I do. It’s hard to cut her out of the picture when she wants to see her grandkids all the time (which I’m not a big fan of happening).

Crap, this is turning into a long post. I guess I don’t have to tell my life story here. In fact, this is just the start. If you’re still reading, you’re committed! Even if no one reads this, it just feels good to get it out. Last thing for now: I’ve spent my entire life telling myself that I was going to be “normal.” My mother and grandfather both are bi-polar and mega-depressed. I’ve fought those demons and refused to acknowledge them, but lately I’ve realized that I’ve been depressed most of my life. I guess I just blamed my feelings on the situations that I was in, but perhaps it’s more. That last thing I want is for my mom to welcome me to the “crazy club.” I don’t mean to offend anyone by saying “crazy,” I’m just quoting my mom.

Anyway, if you’ve read all of this, you now know more about me that 95% of the people I know. So congrats. I guess that means I trust strangers on the internet more than most of my family and friends. What does that say about me?

I love the podcast, I love Paul, and I love this forum.

[algernon]

HELLO remarks!!

Your short long story is read and understood pretty well......

I think you'll be fine, just work towards your best judgement....

Welcome to the forum.....it's the place to be when things go bad and when they go well.....

I hope your mom finds her answers too....the right ones.

[in_media_res]

That's quite a story. As I've said to others, you must have great strength to have made it to where you are. Welcome to the group, and good luck.

[fifthsonata]

Wow, just wow. That is a tremendous story. I don't have the right words to say to respond, but I can say that it seems like your mother used her illness as a crutch - calling herself crazy. Resigning herself to that fate and refusing to change otherwise, blaming her illness for her actions.


I have to say, that you've made it this far and from what you've written, have a stable home life - that is phenomenal!


I know therapy could really help you. It would be wonderful to talk about the past, understand how it's affected you and continues to affect you - you aren't crazy. You're a person, and you're struggling to come to terms with past, present, and future. You've been through a lot - likely pain, suffering, and probably a lost childhood dealing with the lack of responsibility your mother had for herself...and for you.


Welcome

[remarks]

I just realized that I never replied to the three of you. Thanks for your kind words and welcomes. Look forward to being a part of the community.