Situational Depression adding to the torment

[Mooncrater]

I have suffered my entire life with many personal issues stemming from a abusive family. I am a adult child of a alcoholic family.
I have done the best to manage my pain and forge onward in life and it has been incredibly difficult or so it seemed.
Just when I thought I had things stable, I experienced a terrible accident with my right foot which resulted in huge medical bills and more importantly put through the public health care system because I was in such good shape, I didn't carry personal insurance while running my own business - stupid, stupid, stupid!! A doctor put me on one of the strongest Benzo meds (klonopin) which rewired my brain and caused me to lose my business, vehicles, house, credit, and relationship.
I went from a nice home, etc into a nightmare - moving in with my father and his wife for three terrifying months this past summer. It can't even be expressed the horror it placed on me after 26 years away from them. I was right back in a sea of hell and felt 5 years old (I am 48) which caused me to walk on eggshells every minute of the day and night. I finally lost my mind and just packed my things up that were in his hoard building out back and his office downtown Dallas and bailed out!
My ex-girlfriend had moved into a small apartment not far from our old house and she allowed me to seek some shelter there for 6 weeks until I was able to rent an even smaller (box) apartment!
I wanted to continue typing my situation, but I am experiencing overwhelming anxiety right now.
So I'll just cut to it: I am 48 and have everything I own in a 10x15 storage unit, live in a 600sq' box apartment, driving a borrowed vehicle, working part time manual labor job, over hour commute each way, no TV, no furniture, can't sleep, diet is terrible, health is going fast.
I just say this because my situation is so shitty that I can't find a single moment when my depression starts to lift. I am not looking for sympathy because others have it much worse I know, but I don't seem to feel that there is anything to live for anymore. I watch everybody carry on with their lives and fantasize about just simply participating in life again, but it seems hopeless? How will I ever get my life back. Hell I would give anything to be back where I was with my problems before. This is crushing. I also experience intense jealously and bitterness which creates more stress and sickness.
Anybody else that is going through this right now that was better off in their previous depressed world?
I would like to hear from people that have lost everything and how they are dealing if they actually are?
Both my so called parents are narcissistic and full of self toxic shame. They offer zero help in anyway and live in their superficial materialist false world.It is crushing!
Please discuss with me.

[fifthsonata]

Yes.

While my situation doesn't seem as traumatic as yours in writing, it destroyed me. I'll share it and hopefully you won't feel as alone, starting over.


I built up my whole world around my mind and my career. Spent 7 years in the academic world; teaching, studying (I'm 27). Earned my MM in musicology while working as an organologist (someone who studies the history of instruments, basically an instrumental curator). I struggled with depression and an ongoing eating disorder changing it's manifestation into anorexia.

When I was a few months from graduation, my depression and anorexia hit it's apogee and I tried to commit suicide. In the months after I spent time studying and trying to pick up the wreckage, but it was at the expense of my thesis. I finished it over the summer, involving all of my committee in the editing process, but in the defense one committee member suddenly decided she didn't like my verbage and wanted me to rewrite all of it. She never said anything about it in the previous months.

I got approved in August '11 and had been searching for jobs since January of '11 in anticipation of my graduation. Did I find a job? No. Could I find a job locally while I searched and applied for professional jobs? Nope. I had to move back in with my mom because I had been living on my savings. It ran out. I sold all my stuff to cover the gas (I was in another state). Found a job in my home state, finally, that September (nearly 9 fucking months later). It had to be overnight in a labor job so I could make ABOVE minimum wage - barely.

Ran into an old friend. He was looking to move to the city I was working in and ALSO wanting to move to. We decide to split a place. He hadn't changed from what I saw when we interacted, so I wasn't worried. Stupid me, we decide to date. We both agree that if we break up, we could both handle living together - especially since we were on an opposite work schedule.

We split. Like, within 2 weeks of moving in.

Turns out he is a severe, irresponsible alcoholic. Still in the functional stage (as in, no booze while working), but he'd drink about a case of PBR (the 30 pack) and a bottle of hard liquor PER DAY when he got home. Add a little synthetic weed on top of it. NO clue how he's still alive.

Starting bringing home strangers, partying while I'm trying to sleep (I work nights, sleep in the day). Doesn't even have the courtesy to tell me he's having a party so I could stay with a friend or coworker friend. Doesn't manage his money - I end up paying his bills though I made HALF of his salary. Took care of his daughter when she was there because he was too fucking drunk.

Need I go on?

The cap on it all - around December, I found out he was putting out ADS ON CRAIGSLIST FOR PASSABLE TRANSVESTITE SEX PARTNERS. Who found out?! HIS EX GIRLFRIEND. Before that, he was bringing home random girls - MARRIED girls. He'd started bringing home illegal prescription drugs as well.

So now, not only do I have to work TWO jobs (I found one doing part-time work because I was barely scraping by), nearly 70 hours a week, I get to be responsible for the house, prepare if he can't manage his bills, never sleep, NOW I get to worry about being fucking MURDERED in my SLEEP by a crazy tranny stranger while he's fucking stoned and naked on the couch (he was a comatose drunk). I mean seriously?! After ALL the things that have happened surrounding craigslist hookups and murders and he decides to bring it home?! AND be worried some angry husband or drug dealer is going to barge in when he doesn't pay or the hubby finds out he's fucking the wife?

This is all going on when I've been kicked out of my own field. My identity, everything I'd worked for, and I get rejected - I'm dealing with an identity crisis. Feeling alone, neglected, depressed, and now I'm seriously considering suicide again because when I tried to negotiate something to get out with the landlord, he tells me he's not Maury or a cop, just a landlord and there's nothing he can do. I, of course, can't afford a damn attorney. I learn the hard way this landlord is a sexist pig. He accuses me of being emotional and dramatizing the situation.


I barricade my door and get a knife from a friend because I'm not legally permitted to own a gun because of my mental health history.


I finally ask for help, on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and my brother steps in. The landlord caves immediately. I move back to my mother's house.


*phew*

I got a little worked up there.

Anyway, at the moment I am much, much happier. The change of situation, actually getting to save my money. During that time I've sent out dozens of apps for jobs and for doctoral programs, so I'm playing a waiting game.

Nothing improves your mood by not worrying about getting stabbed by a guy in a dress while you're sleeping.

I've also quit the part-time job and because I'm back in my hometown, some of my friends have brought me their children for private lessons in their respective instrument.


So my point is this - no matter how hopeless and desperate the situation, you CAN find your way out. What I learned through all of this is that everyone has their limit in coping - this situation just broke me. I exhausted every avenue and found no reprieve, so I asked for help and finally got out.

Right now, you've gotten out of the bad living situation. True, living in a small apartment isn't ideal, but what matters is being away from that emotional trigger. Small steps. You're able to support yourself, so what's your next step? I would encourage you to see if your employer has any mental health resources - my home state requires all employers to provide mental health resources for free (and anonymously) to their employees. Do some investigating and see if you can get some counseling.

If you can improve your mood and energy a bit, you could work on your next step - maybe finding a job you enjoy, maybe going back to school so you can try a new field...?

I admit, I'm still not pleased with my situation, but I feel more comfortable asking for help and knowing my limits. I still don't tell people I'm living with my mom again.


So, one step at a time. There IS a way out of the hole.

[Mooncrater]

Thank you for the reply fifthsonata,
Your story is indeed intense and I am grateful you got the hell outta there and into a safer environment. I know all too well about that situation. After a scary night of toxic arguing with my father and wanting to harm him, I woke up the next morning and started getting GONE!! It was two days of ball busting exhaustion all the while being tormented by his bullshit because he felt betrayed and defeated? Non the less I got the biggest moving truck and made two across the metroplex moves - never stopping or resting. Took 38 hours, but when I crested the hill and saw my storage facility with my last load, I felt so much better to know I would NEVER be around those people EVER again. What a life lesson!
So yes, I am an unemployed airline pilot (walked away to start my racing business 12 years ago) in a terribly depressive apartment with my things soon to be wall to wall (moving things out of storage this weekend) and crowded beyond belief.
I do have a small non-attached garage that will help with new storage, but all this is still better than being under his thumbprint as I am sure you can relate.
I continue to have suicidal depression mainly in the morning, but it comes and goes throughout the day.
I have got to get my ass back on track with my fitness routine. I want to try and ride/race my motocross bike for the first time in years later this spring. I also have my road and mountain bike that I was so passionate about at one time. I have got to push very hard to not give in because the power of my mind and its fucking depression is terrifying at times and I feel literally possessed by it. Like my mind is telling me to put a bullet in my temple.
We have all got to stick together and form a strong community to hold on for better times or at least comforting fellowship to help each other to not do something that solves nothing which I know this is easier said than done when the demon of depression is attacking.
Thanks for the story and keep it coming cause nothing is off limits in my world. Meaning nothing is too shocking or distressing to hear and actually misery loves company kinda deal which can be meditating in it's own way. Just knowing you aren't alone is helpful

[fifthsonata]

Your last post sounds much more uplifted!

Yes, it's really amazing just how much one person can impact you without even TRYING. They don't intend to be toxic or draining (but of course some assholes DO)....but you know it when you get near them that they aren't someone you want to be around. I did the same thing you did - called every friend I could, got a truck, and didn't sleep for 24 hours while I packed and got the fuck out.

Do you have any friends with a niche for decorating? Even though your apartment is small, think about this -

1) Utilities will be MUCH cheaper.
2) You won't be tempted to buy junk.
3) When you do buy new things, you have no choice but to throw out something to make room for the new thing.


I actually....well, up to now...have lived in small spaces (dorms, TINY renovated hotels that were converted to apartments). The past year and a half I did live in a huge house, but with my last roommate I had to barricade myself in my room, so it was like living in a dorm.

If you've never lived in a small space, the best things I learned were to go UP, not OUT, and tall bedframes are your best friend. I have a really cool "sideways" dresser I can put under my bed, and tall bookcases (leaning ladder cases are really cool-looking and great for shelves!) are the best. Pot racks save you lots of kitchen cabinet space (they are those overhead hangers for your pots & pans above the stove!).

You could sell your old stuff for more accommodating furniture, but that's up to you. You might not be in that place long enough to justify downsizing your furniture.


Definitely jump on those good parts of your day while you can. From what I've read in your response, you have something going and know what you need to get things back in order. It's a matter of keeping the depression from digging you even further. I've personally started talking to more people, being more open, and tucking my tail between my legs to ask for help when I need it...