Paul - Thank you for building this community

[celebjc]

Hello Paul and fellow MIHH friends. I am calmed and my mood lifts knowing that I am not alone. I look forward to reading and learning from your messages, and I hope that my messages return the same to you all in kind.

I am a married man, athletic, and 56 years old. I work as a web tech in a corporate cubicle farm. The work provides me a degree of satisfaction, but the environment is very ill-managed that makes it difficult to maintain a healthy sense of self. My life long challenge in all endeavors has been a constant fixation on a distorted sense of self: that my brain is damaged; that tinnitus (ringing in the ears) is debilitating my ability to think and analyze. These distorted thoughts create an ever present sense of dread starting with each waking moment.

How did I come to think this way? My upbringing was normal by all outside appearances. Yet, my self-involved, insecure, and frustrated father turns out to have been the most toxic influence in my life. A man of circumstances, born at the onset of the Great Depression, he grew up as a 1st generation American with poor, undereducated eastern European parents that worked menial jobs. Out of these circumstances, my father internalized a constant sense of dread; that financial ruin may be just around the next corner. The upshot is that I grew up in an environment that was infused with a sense of impending dread. As a result I was not given and taught the personal tools to overcome adversity: drive, confidence, optimism, and a healthy sense of well-being.

My earliest memory of being depressed is when I was 9 or 10 years old during the December holiday season. Looking back on it, I was depressed because I was not able to honestly feel the joy, love, and warmth that is in the "script" for the holiday. I thought that there must be something wrong with me since I could not generate these feelings by myself.

Alcohol has been my life-long self medication, usually 2 to 3 drinks of either wine or beer every evening. I fight the urge to drink more and am successful for now. So I am thankful for that. I have been in therapy in times of mental crisis starting in my late teens. I have seen 4 therapists over the past 32 years, each for about 2 to 3 years. I started on SSRIs in the mid-1990s, and I have been on effexor since then. I have been seeing my current therapist for 2 years, and our recent work has uncovered what I think are the most painful issues that have lain hidden under a fetid masking. I have been in crisis mode the past 2 weeks, and he is stepping up to let me know he will be with me to not only overcome it, but to be stronger because of it.

I am fearful, anxious, and hopeful. I now realize that writing and talking to others about my mental illness is a gift.

Thank you all for sharing your struggles, your victories, your insights, your care and love, and your brotherhood and sisterhood.

Chris

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Chris, welcome to our little forum. Can't wait to read your contributions to the threads!

Glad to hear you got professional help, and to know that you have the guts to raise up painful core feelings. I wish you all the best in your passing through this current "crisis mode".

Please take. We here are all cheering for you and your greatest today and tomorrow!

[B-annie]

Hi Chris,

I too grew up in the family you describe - just coming out of the great depression my father and mother both grew up with a sense of doom and despair - all is not well and you have to suffer to MAYBE get ahead but then you will probably just lose it anyhow....toxic.....and to boot there was a pedophile married into my family who preyed on me for several years. I have been in therapy for many years and am now involved with EMDR for the past 2 years. I use a combination of welbutrin, cymbalta and buspirone (for anxiety). The meds seem to be a good combination at this point.
I wanted to ask if your therapist has assisted you in learning many calming strategies? Before I began EMDR several weeks were spent on learning ways to calm myself when I began to slide down into that pit of emotional darkness. These techniques have worked well for me too - if you have not focused on this I would encourage you to mention it to your therapist. You may want to investigate EMDR as well. The technique, in a way, roots out the "faulty" self thought patterns learned in our family of origin and perpetuated by the programming we have been given. If you have any questions of if I can be of assistance, please let me know - I would be happy to help in any way. I too am in my 50's and feel better than I have ever in my life (which is not perfect or pink cloud lovely in any way). I just feel OK about my life and who I am most days of the week/month; and that is a god send to me. Billie

[sandy]

I have tinnitus too. I used to have insomnia every night until i finally realized that the quieter things were in the room the louder it got. I bought a $15 sound machine and i now i sleep great. good luck

[Paul Gilmartin]

Chris,
You're very welcome. It brings me a lot of joy seeing you guys connect to each other and opening up. We're glad you're here!

Paul

[Acroyear77]

Just a quick first time post. I'm an alcoholic and curmudgeon with lots of sexual dysfunctions. And I love the podcast! I'm so glad I heard Paul on WTF and discovered his show. It's been a blessing and I hope to get in on the discussions. Thanks again Paul!