My Fears

[amycoffeeface]

I am afraid that I will become my mother.

I am afraid that my boys will suffer from all of my mental problems, and that we wont have a good enough communication for me to help them

I am afraid my husband will realize he is too good for me.

I am afraid that I wont be able to bite my tongue any longer regarding my sons step mom.

I am afraid that I will keep gaining weight, not matter what I do or eat.

I am afraid that people look at me and based off my weight decide to not take me seriously as a person.

I am terrified of getting in a car crash, every time I am driving with my boys I am so worried that someone will smash into us and that I will live and my boys wont

I am afraid of something happening to my boys

I am afraid I will get some weird disease that no one has ever heard of and that I will die slowly from it.

I am afraid that my depression will knock me down again, and I wont be able to get back up.

I am afraid of blue whales and large bodies of waters. When I am swimming in a lake or ocean I get the overwhelming feeling of something being below me and pulling me into the water.

[Bella]

(((Amy)))

I think I am hearing a lot about low self-esteem here! Not a good-enough mom? I bet your sons wouldn't agree! Afraid your husband will realize he's "too good for you"? You may well have said that to him, and I bet every time you say it he's astonished all over again!!

I do get where you're coming from. My self-esteem has been low for so long I can barely remember feeling good about myself, and I know that sucks. And I have a major weight problem (probably worse than yours! ), so I can totally relate to that. I hate even leaving the house, I'm so ashamed of the way I look. But you know, in reality the people whose opinion of you really matters (like family and friends) are not going to "judge" you by your weight or anything else, because they love you and accept you just the way you are. Any other kind of love is "conditional", and personally I refuse to settle for "conditional love"--ppl can either love me for my true self, or they can hit the road!! Another thing--so many ppl are struggling with their own "issues", they're paying far less attention to our appearance (or whatever) than we think!

I don't have any children , but I remember my cousin saying she had finally realized the day would never come that she could stop worrying about her kids. She's not obsessive about it, and as a nurse she's learned to cope with stress, but I imagine a lot of parents worry about their children's welfare. I'm sure that you (and your husband) take very good care of your boys and I know you've heard this before, but worrying is such a waste of time cause it won't change anything, just add to your stress levels. (Altho I should be taking my own advice, I admit I should have a Ph.D. in Worrying, lol!) The fact that you worry about your kids to me says that you love them dearly and want to keep them safe and well--good for you, that makes you a good mom!!!!

Sending you lots of hugs!!

[amycoffeeface]

Thank you so much!

I know the fears will ease over time.. but man, any time I turn on the news and hear about something happening to a child I feel like I need to vomit.
=(

Thank you for the support.

[Bella]

You are so welcome! I really do understand what it's like being anxious and fearful and I know we can't just switch it off--if only we could!!

Yes, the news can be so upsetting. Even tho I have no children of my own, it really gets to me when I hear that yet another monster has harmed a child. I cannot begin to imagine the hell parents of missing/murdered children go thru, I really don't know how they find the courage to keep going. I've heard that the loss of a child is the very worst thing that can happen to a parent, and I can definitely believe that. It has to be every parent's worst nightmare. But please remember that this kind of thing is really very rare--when something like this does happen, it makes the news because it is so rare. Altho I know it's hard to keep that in perspective because we do hear of so many tragedies involving children, it seems like it's happening a lot more often than it is. I know you're doing everything possible to keep your boys safe, and that's all any parent can do. Just don't forget that the odds are strongly in your favor--it really is profoundly unlikely that anything bad will happen to your children. But I know that's what anxiety is like--whatever we fear the most is exactly the thing we worry about.

Are you in therapy and/or on meds? I'm not trying to pry, but I don't know what I would do without my Xanax--I try not to depend on it too much, but when I'm feeling overwhelmed it does help take the edge off. My Prozac is helping too. And if you have a therapist, maybe he/she will have some helpful suggestions on how to cope when the fears start hounding you??

Hang in there--you are stronger than you think!!

[amycoffeeface]

Yep! I go to therapy and I am on Zoolaft. I am still struggling with that pesky postpartum depression (And the lack of sleeping through the night is not helping matters =P). Everyday it gets better, I am so thankful for the wonderful support system I have.. and being able to be open and honest with my husband about what I am feeling.