raised to be a victim

[Churble]

It's weird how things can click in your head out of nowhere and suddenly everything makes sense.

I was thinking about why I've been victimized so many times, why no one ever seemed to stop when I wanted them to. Why I've always been so afraid to tell people they're upsetting me or making me uncomfortable. And today, in the car, driving home from work, I remembered being a kid, and my mother would always drive with her hand on my leg. Not super high up, just at about mid-thigh. Sometimes she would smack my leg like she was playing a drum and sing a song she made up about chunky thighs. It was her way of making calling your daughter fat even more fun. And I remembered the time I asked her to stop, stop singing the song and stop putting her hand on my leg, because I felt like I was too old for that and it made me uncomfortable. I got in so much trouble. I got yelled at and told that I was disrespectful and rude and that I had no right to tell her where she was allowed to touch me. That was the first time I understood that I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself, that I couldn't say anything if I was uncomfortable.

Then I thought about all the times I was told not to take myself so seriously. My parents don't like each other, they don't get along, but they've been married for 35 years because my dad needs a place to stay and my mom doesn't want the embarrassment of a second divorce. The only thing that seemed to bring them together was making fun of me and my sister. She's 5 years older, so when she was old enough to leave I was at the perfect 13 year old, chubby, awkward, glasses, braces stage. It was relentless. I remember them laughing at me for having a crush on a boy because he would never like me back, and making fun of me for making myself throw up because it was going to take a lot more than that to make me thin and pretty. But most of all I remember them getting so angry at me when I would get upset and fight back. How dare I stand up for myself and ruin their fun? And again, it was reinforced that there was nothing I could do worse than tell someone to stop when they were hurting me. If I was upset, that was my problem, and I just needed to get over it.

And then there I was, a few years later, not sure if I could call what happened to me rape because I'd never actually told him to stop or said the word "no". I can't completely blame my parents, I was almost an adult, I grew up hearing "no means no" and whatnot. But I can't help but wonder if maybe I would have been able to say "no" if I hadn't been taught my entire life that it was the rudest thing you could do.

I know this was long, it was just one of those things that kind of popped up for me and I didn't know where else to take it. So I decided to rely on the kindness of internet strangers.

[Cheldoll]

Wow. I'm always reluctant to just blame parents for how their kids turn out, but fuck. You were literally bullied in your own home by the very people you're supposed to trust to protect you. If it were something that just happened a few times, I could maybe understand that and forgive them. But there's clearly a pattern of them kicking you when you're down and shaming you if you ever have the thought of defending yourself again. Sure, you can reason to yourself that you still had the option of saying no. But when you're taught to be a victim by the people closest to you for years and years during the time you're forming your personality and opinion of the world and your place in it... can you really, seriously say no?

I wish I could give you a big hug. And maybe punch your parents.

[Churble]

Thank you. I'm always reluctant to blame parents too, especially mine because I'm fully aware that they're the people who kept me from dying for several years, and at a certain point I became an adult and responsible for myself and my reactions.

I guess it just struck me because I've never been able to draw such a straight line of "this is why I'm like that" before.

[shanarchy]

Hi Churble,

I can relate very much with your story.

I have been trying to understand why I am a target of bullying and what signals I am giving off to be identified as a target/victim. The answer is similar to yours; my parents.

My father has always been very controlling and would not allow me to say anything that was against his views (as an adult, I still feel I am not allowed to tell him my truths if they don't agree with his). My mother says strange and inappropriate things to me. For example, she recently told me my husband would leave me if I didn't start working out. The sad part is that I can't seem to defend myself when she says things like that. I feel like I'll offend her.

Too many people (college professors, classmates, so-called friends, even my mother-in-law!) say things to me that make me feel uncomfortable or that offend me and I feel I shouldn't or can't stand up for myself because I'll offend them.

What am I doing that make them think they have permission to say things to me that they wouldn't want me to say to them?
How can I demand respect without feeling bad about it?

In other words, you are not alone.

[ColemanSilk]

As Paul has often said on the podcasts, predators can sense a vibe. I wouldn't be surprised if this is what has been/is happening.

[Churble]

Shanarchy,

That's exactly what I struggle with every day. How do I tell people it's not ok to say the things they say or do the things they do without feeling rude? How do I get myself to understand that it's not rude? I know it's possible to unlearn things you were taught as a child because, thank goodness, I'm not still walking around with my parents crazy religious beliefs. But I don't know how to teach myself to stand up without immediately apologizing and taking it back and then inviting more abuse so that they are 100% sure that they were right and I deserved whatever they said or did and I was in the wrong for questioning it.

My instinct to avoid confrontation and make sure everyone around me feels like they're doing everything right is so strong, I really don't even know where to start.

[shanarchy]

Dear Churble,

It seems we are on the same boat. If I find anything on how to work this issue, I will let you know. If you find anything, please share it.

Hopefully, we'll figure this out sooner rather than later. In the meantime, keep your head up as much as possible because you are not alone.

[hermitcat]

Hi Churble,

Just left a therapy session feeling quite unaccomplished and misunderstood. Reading your post makes me a feel a little more sane though. I can relate to the bullying parents as well as bullying siblings. It has left me without a tool in the shed to help me now. My session today was all about setting boundaries (which is the same as every session), but what I was incapable of expressing is that I can't even get to the first step. I find this hard to explain to people. The response is always, "if you don't want to do something say no." All I can say is that if it were that easy I would, I try my best and just keep on failing at it. I have years of conditioning that have disable my fences. When someone wants something I give it to them. The fear of upsetting someone is deeply ingrained, all I see is my father's beet red face or my mother's tight lips full of hate, and I remember what happens next. In fact the best way to express it is to say I disembody. Someone wants something and I transform into their yes man, and then 30 minutes later I'm totally confused as to what I agreed to. And of course this attracts a lot of manipulative people. I do feel like "victim" is plastered to my forehead and I would do anything to remove it. I put on many faces to try and look intimidating, which of course my future husband saw right through when he first met me:) But it still happens today. I don't have any solutions, just way too much empathy. Thanks for reaching out and offering your story to me and the forum.

-Hermitcat

[SunWorshipper]

wow, can I ever relate to this! I was raised in an alcoholic home where, if we so much as made a peep or let my parents know we were still alive, it was big trouble. We learned to stay as invisible as we could. My brother managed to do that very well, but I was a multiple victim of my father, sexually. I really did not even know the word 'no.' I went on to be molested by many other men, including a rape in my teen years after which I was full-blown PTSD and suicidal. My father and the way he raised me to be silent, invisible, and unworthy caused all of my timid behavior.
I was relentlessly teased and bullied by my father about being overweight (he even accused me of eating too much just to grow bigger breasts) and he would make these awful motions with his hands on his chest to show how flat-chested I was. It was truly kindergarten behavior but I did not recognize that...only felt the pain of humiliation. Because of his teasing, I have hated my body all my life and even went so far as to get surgery on my breasts so I could feel normal and folks would stop teasing me.
I think parents should pass some kind of test before they are allowed to raise children!