it's not easy being...new?

[KermitHrab]

Hi,

It's funny, I can remember being much younger, trying to help escape my problems by watching dinner and a movie. Now, here I am finally mustering up the courage to post something on the forum. If I had known how important Paul's podcast would later be to me, I'd probably would have felt a lot more weird about some of the things that transpired during some of the viewings, whilst in the midst of puberty...sorry about that

When it comes to my emotions, I have a huge problem asking for help. I've had severe depression for as long as I can remember. There are a multiple incidents in my past that I feel have negatively affected me. A part of the problem coming to terms with these issues being, that I can't fully remember some them. Some are crystal clear in my mind, some are not. I can't say my coping mechanisms of pot smoking and media binging is doing a wonder on my memory but I'm not sure if I've buried things so long, that I've actually minimized it to the point of losing it or even worse, embellishing by not remembering correctly. Not knowing exactly what happened to me has left so very overwhelmingly confused about everything.

My initial instinct was to ignore these thoughts, but I know that is the worst way to go about things. It has caused a cavalcade of problems for me. From being fired, not being hired in the first place. Isolating myself to a point where I can barely leave the house and I haven't received an unsolicited phone call in over a year ( at least creditors think I have money.)

I've been through the ringer in terms of trying to find proper help. I no longer have a job, health insurance, a means of transportation needed to get me to and from a therapist's appointment/or a support group... At one point my therapist was an hour and an half drive away, which is tough when you don't drive... Now, that I've gotten to a place where I'm able to talk about my issues with people, I am finding little to no support from what few contacts I have left. My inability to come clean about my issues with said people is causing me to constantly live in the feelings, instead of releasing them. Which in turn, causes me to fall back into the severe depression, anxiety, periods of mania and an unhealthy amount of coping. I really just think things would be better if I had some one to talk to.

Sorry, I feel I have gotten a little off track from an introduction and into a I just need a hug territory... Very nice to meet all you. This the first bastion of internet compassion/human kindness that isn't predicated on pictures of yourself in your underwear. Thank you so very much, for providing an actual outlet for people in need.

[Fargin]

Welcome KermitHrab,

I pretty much relate to every point you make.

The stuff I can't fully recall seems to screw with me the most. I mistrust my own intuition and experiences. It's always been impossible for me to ask for help, maybe because when I needed it, I was meet with aggression and humiliation. I spent the most of my life ignoring or hiding my insecurities and it really wasn't until last summer, I was so worn down, that I surrendered and finally sought help. I don't really go deep with whatever family and friends I have sporadic contact with, they don't relate much and their well meaning encouragements, usually makes me feel like a downer instead.

If I weren't hand shy like a dog, I'd give you a brotherly bear hug. But I'm working on it

[KermitHrab]

Thank you, Fargin.
It means so much to hear(or in this case, read) someone say they can relate to something I've said. I've also been turned away by loved ones who say they can't relate to my problems. Which I think is odd. I mean don't shut people out when I can't relate to their problems with Gabby the office gossip.

[oak]

Welcome. Hello. I am glad you are here, and took a chance to write a post. That took courage.

Yeah, I identified with alot you wrote. You are not alone.

Also, anyone who naturally uses the phrases "media binge" and "cavalcade" is my kind of internet poster.

Good to have you.

[KermitHrab]

haha, I do love to accentuate. Thanks, oak. It feels great when I can relate to things on the podcast/forum, but I can't stress how relieving it is to see that people can actually relate to me.

[Leebeeboo]

Hugs. I love your point about this being one of the only places where you'll get attention on the internet without posing in your undies. So true!

I can totally relate to your isolation, difficulty in reaching out, and lack of transportation. I can drive, but it does me no good when I'm car sharing with someone working crazy amounts of overtime. I think the isolation really makes it all worse. I've found that when alone not distracting myself, I'm ruminating over things and causing myself more anxiety than is really necessary. Finding someone to reach out to is really hard. I don't even know how to make friends as an adult outside of a work setting...where do you find them? Do you just start talking to people in line at Starbucks? Do you take up barhopping to meet new people? I don't know these things and it makes me feel broken and weird.

Welcome to the Forum...I'm a newbie too.

[KermitHrab]

thank you so much leebeeboo and welcome! I was kind of concerned that comment might have came off as sexist. I'm glad it was taken the way it was intended and not as a dig against a specific gender or anything...if anything its just a veiled comment saying I wish I was more liked.

I really relate to the having trouble to making new friends. I can find people to have small talk with anywhere... but I'm pretty much incapable of doing so or connecting with while doing so... Yes, I also think it is warm today isn't something you can really bond over. Sometimes I feel like I've isolated myself so long that I've gone feral or something, unable to properly communicate with the outside world. Then, you find places like here.