My anxiety and depression have been really amped up for the last month or so, and it has sent me into a real spiral of avoidance and shutting down, which then leads to more anxiety, and the cycle continues.
I want to just flood this board with posts - I feel like I have so much worry and hurt and self-loathing to barf up all over the place, but I am feeling anxiety and resistance about even doing that. My wife, my therapist, my co-crazy people in my therapy group all can tell that I am a little more fucked up than usual, but I feel like I can only open up to them to a point - the armor plates are closing down on the real pain on the inside, because I feel like if I let it all out I won't be able to function.
I just don't even know where to start. It's the same things that I have been posting about on here for nearly a year. Feeling like a failure, and making it a self-fulfilling prophecy by not being able to get out of my own way. Feeling like nothing that I do matters - nothing that I think or feel matters. Dealing with a wife who has serious emotional, organizational, motivational, and some medical issues. A near-total breakdown of my family of origin with a lot of associated stress and guilt. My career and my marriage feel horrible most of the time, yet I am afraid that they are the best that I can hope for, or expect, or deserve and I should just learn to accept things the way they are. I love my wife so much, and I enjoy being with her some of the time, but some of the time, she drives me so fucking crazy, and there are so many things that disrupt my life because of her problems that I am afraid will never change and I don't want to continue to live with. I don't know how to create boundaries and enforce them without feeling like an asshole. I am a coward. I am a conflict avoider. I have been retreating into my head, into games on my phone and porn/masturbation and obsessive thoughts and compulsive avoidant behaviors. I still have a chance to pull my career out of the fire this summer and I am struggling to even get my ass to work and finish any task. I am still afraid to talk about certain subjects with my wife, to tell her how scared I am about certain things, to tell her how sad or angry I am about certain things, to tell her that sometimes I'm not sure that I can stay married to her if things don't change, because I can't deal with the pain that those conversations would cause both of us. I don't have any resilience left. I need a break, but I don't even know what that would look like anymore, because I can't take a break from my own brain.
I have been trying to step up the physical activity a little more and get out running 2-3 times a week. I go to yoga once or twice a week and I am trying to meditate daily. I've put on about 20 pounds over the past year, which depresses me to no end, largely because I am self-medicating with food and not sleeping or exercising enough. I've been trying to push the envelope with friends and acquaintances and put myself out there in a more authentic way. It's just really hard.
I need to feel like I belong. That I'm OK - just me, not my accomplishments or what I can do for someone else. I need to feel lovable and loved just for being me. I need to feel like what I want and need and feel is important to other people, important enough to sometimes overcome their own preferences or discomfort. I want to not feel ashamed of who I am, of what I succeed or fail at, of what I look like or what I enjoy doing or what I desire. I just don't feel any of that right now.
Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
Weary you are OK.
If I can define "OK" as a person of worth, with intrinsic dignity.
You are okay regardless of your job title, your accomplishments, or what anyone thinks of you: what I think, or what your boss thinks, or what the Queen or Norway thinks
A flower is beautiful not because it is yellow or because it produces pollen. Both of those activities are good of themselves, but a flower's beauty comes from its intrinsic structure, it does not have to strive.
Similarly, you need not strive to be someone to be celebrated and cherished.
All of this, all of who you really are, is separate from your circumstances.
And it sounds like your circumstances suck. I don't want to put words into your mouth; is "sucky" or "fairly fucked up" accurate? If not, please correct me!
I see several threads or themes of suckiness:
Professional angst.
A troubled marriage.
An observed overuse of porn.
Physical crappiness.
As far as advice for you, I don't have any. Other than what I pm'ed you about: in our field I am seeing an alarming disparity between the haves and the have nots! I am terrified, weary, at the rapid pace of this disparity!
You've encouraged me as I have taken baby steps away from that scary future/consequences.
One thing I will advise! You say you want to "flood this board with posts". Do it! And if the mods say that you are posting too much (which I highly highly doubt would happen), pm me ten times a day.
What I am getting at: use your voice. I can't and won't speak for anyone else in this forum, so I'll use an "I" statement: I want to hear from you, weary. I will listen.
Hugs.
If I can define "OK" as a person of worth, with intrinsic dignity.
You are okay regardless of your job title, your accomplishments, or what anyone thinks of you: what I think, or what your boss thinks, or what the Queen or Norway thinks
A flower is beautiful not because it is yellow or because it produces pollen. Both of those activities are good of themselves, but a flower's beauty comes from its intrinsic structure, it does not have to strive.
Similarly, you need not strive to be someone to be celebrated and cherished.
All of this, all of who you really are, is separate from your circumstances.
And it sounds like your circumstances suck. I don't want to put words into your mouth; is "sucky" or "fairly fucked up" accurate? If not, please correct me!
I see several threads or themes of suckiness:
Professional angst.
A troubled marriage.
An observed overuse of porn.
Physical crappiness.
As far as advice for you, I don't have any. Other than what I pm'ed you about: in our field I am seeing an alarming disparity between the haves and the have nots! I am terrified, weary, at the rapid pace of this disparity!
You've encouraged me as I have taken baby steps away from that scary future/consequences.
One thing I will advise! You say you want to "flood this board with posts". Do it! And if the mods say that you are posting too much (which I highly highly doubt would happen), pm me ten times a day.
What I am getting at: use your voice. I can't and won't speak for anyone else in this forum, so I'll use an "I" statement: I want to hear from you, weary. I will listen.
Hugs.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
Thanks, Oak.
I appreciate all of the supportive words here and elsewhere. I've been bouncing around a lot emotionally lately. I'm feeling exhausted and drained most of the time. I went to yoga and then did a four mile run this morning, and I'm feeling a lot physically better and it helps my emotional state. It hasn't helped my productivity yet, though I'm sitting in my office at work on a late Sunday afternoon writing this, after being at work for four hours yesterday as well.
I've got a lot of shit to get off my chest. I am going to try to post about some of it, but I never know where or how to start. Everything always feels like a long story, and it's hard to separate out one issue from the others. And I don't want to be a whiner. And there are a lot of thoughts and feelings that I feel very guilty and ashamed about - there are things that I have still struggled to even confide to my therapist and I am terrified to discuss with my wife.
Yes. Quite accurate. The trouble is, I frequently see all of that suckiness as either my fault or what I deserve, or the best that I can hope for, etc. I can imagine what I want my life to be like (and what I thought it would be like) in all of those areas you list (professionally, marriage, etc.), but I don't know if any of them are accessible anymore (if they ever were) or if I've lost my chance at true happiness/satisfaction.And it sounds like your circumstances suck. I don't want to put words into your mouth; is "sucky" or "fairly fucked up" accurate? If not, please correct me!
I appreciate all of the supportive words here and elsewhere. I've been bouncing around a lot emotionally lately. I'm feeling exhausted and drained most of the time. I went to yoga and then did a four mile run this morning, and I'm feeling a lot physically better and it helps my emotional state. It hasn't helped my productivity yet, though I'm sitting in my office at work on a late Sunday afternoon writing this, after being at work for four hours yesterday as well.
I've got a lot of shit to get off my chest. I am going to try to post about some of it, but I never know where or how to start. Everything always feels like a long story, and it's hard to separate out one issue from the others. And I don't want to be a whiner. And there are a lot of thoughts and feelings that I feel very guilty and ashamed about - there are things that I have still struggled to even confide to my therapist and I am terrified to discuss with my wife.
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
Good to hear from you, weary.
I encourage you to keep communicating.
May I kindly share a concern?
I celebrate you doing what needs to be done. If that means going in Saturdays and Sundays, then good for you. (Been there myself).
Yet, that can lead over time to an unhealthy lack of balance.
I;ll pm you with a brief thought you may want to consider.
Hang in there.
I encourage you to keep communicating.
May I kindly share a concern?
I celebrate you doing what needs to be done. If that means going in Saturdays and Sundays, then good for you. (Been there myself).
Yet, that can lead over time to an unhealthy lack of balance.
I;ll pm you with a brief thought you may want to consider.
Hang in there.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
Oh, don't worry, I didn't get that much done while I was at work this weekend.I celebrate you doing what needs to be done. If that means going in Saturdays and Sundays, then good for you. (Been there myself).
Yet, that can lead over time to an unhealthy lack of balance.
And I made up for it today by having a mini-meltdown, and not getting to work until after 1 pm. Of course, I'm not getting paid this summer, so sometimes I wonder why I'm here at all, other than all of the things that I have to get done this summer if I'm going to have a prayer of getting tenure, the fact that my graduate students need supervision and guidance, and the fact that when I am not here, I know that my colleagues are judging me behind my back for not working hard enough.
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
The subtitle to my memoirs?an unhealthy lack of balance
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
I am in such an anxious, avoidant, depressed mode. I have so much work to do and I am having so much trouble focusing on getting any of it done. I'm not lazy, I'm not even really ADD. I'm not averse to hard work. I work hard all the time and I have for my whole life - in school, at work, at home.
I think the place that I have hit in my life is that none of it seems like it matters, seems like it's worth doing. I'm afraid that it will be too late to pull out a Hail Mary of accepted publications and funded grants before my portfolio starts the tenure review process at the end of the summer. And if I don't get tenure, the chances of finding an acceptable faculty position somewhere else are slim to none. I was in the fucking major leagues of academia, and I ended up on a backwater podunk farm team where the expectations are much lower AND I AM STILL FAILING TO MEET THEM. I actually thought that I was going to be a scientific rock star because I kind of went through the training at all the right places and did what I thought were the right things. I was always told how successful I was going to be because of where I went to school, what I was doing, where I worked. So not only am I a garden-variety fuck-up, I am a spectacular disappointment to everyone. And my head has been too far up my ass for me to turn it around, because I have spent the past decade shutting down emotionally due to (1) my own problems and (2) the stress of my wife's problems, and then I have spent the past three years in a complete and utter stress fog that feels like it has aged me 20 years. And somehow after all of this therapy, after all of this insight, even after some legitimate improvement/resolution of some situations, I still can't pull my head completely out of my ass, and if I could, it would be too little too late.
And it's not just work. No matter how much time I spend cleaning up at home, I can't make up for my wife's total lack of organization and how much less she does than me around the house. It's probably already too late for us to have kids together, and it's not like any other woman would ever want me if I left my wife. No matter how often I go running, or how well or poorly I eat, I stay stuck between 20 and 40 pounds over the weight I should be at. Sometimes I just feel like giving up, but I'm too much of a coward to, so I just avoid and self-sabotage.
I think the place that I have hit in my life is that none of it seems like it matters, seems like it's worth doing. I'm afraid that it will be too late to pull out a Hail Mary of accepted publications and funded grants before my portfolio starts the tenure review process at the end of the summer. And if I don't get tenure, the chances of finding an acceptable faculty position somewhere else are slim to none. I was in the fucking major leagues of academia, and I ended up on a backwater podunk farm team where the expectations are much lower AND I AM STILL FAILING TO MEET THEM. I actually thought that I was going to be a scientific rock star because I kind of went through the training at all the right places and did what I thought were the right things. I was always told how successful I was going to be because of where I went to school, what I was doing, where I worked. So not only am I a garden-variety fuck-up, I am a spectacular disappointment to everyone. And my head has been too far up my ass for me to turn it around, because I have spent the past decade shutting down emotionally due to (1) my own problems and (2) the stress of my wife's problems, and then I have spent the past three years in a complete and utter stress fog that feels like it has aged me 20 years. And somehow after all of this therapy, after all of this insight, even after some legitimate improvement/resolution of some situations, I still can't pull my head completely out of my ass, and if I could, it would be too little too late.
And it's not just work. No matter how much time I spend cleaning up at home, I can't make up for my wife's total lack of organization and how much less she does than me around the house. It's probably already too late for us to have kids together, and it's not like any other woman would ever want me if I left my wife. No matter how often I go running, or how well or poorly I eat, I stay stuck between 20 and 40 pounds over the weight I should be at. Sometimes I just feel like giving up, but I'm too much of a coward to, so I just avoid and self-sabotage.
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
May I offer some tough love, weary?
Do I understand that you have about a year until your tenure decision comes down?
I remember when I was a kid in the 80s these "Choose Your Own Adventure" books were possible. One way to look at your career trajectory as such a story, with radiating outcomes from decisions.
If a year is long enough to get your tenure-efforts together, then you can do that.
If you don't think you'll get tenure, or don't want it, then you gotta move your butt.
I heard once (can't cite it, sorry. Maybe Carl Jung) about "The Tyranny of the Dream".
When we are young men, The Dream beckons us, promising endless opportunities for romantic love, meaning, and professional accolades.
All good stuff.
But The Dream can tyrannize us. Some tough love, and I hope I am wrong:
You may yet be the science rock star at the flagship institution. Or not.
You may get tenure. Or not.
You may work in science in high education, publishing, researching, teaching, and getting grants. Or not.
You may work in higher education. Or not.
I sincerely hope you get tenure and contribute to your field.
But if it doesn't work out, a year is just about the perfect amount of time to get your shit together for Plan B.
I encourage you to read the chilling gawker.com series "Hello from the Underclass". While none of us wants to end up in one of those situations, we are all eligible to. Yes, including tenured professors.
More Options
What is your ultimate goal?
If it is to work in science, are there any (any!) instutions/companies that would hire a phd in your field?
If your goal is to work in higher ed, consider that I know of three types of higher ed employees who do very well without tenure: administration, student affairs, and classified employees.
Would you be willing to push a broom third shift at your institution to put food on the table?
Would you be willing to scrub toilets* on a Wednesday morning?
Would you be willing to be Assistant Director of Admissions in student affairs?
I ask these questions not to be a Negative Nancy, but to be cognizant of the realities (see the gawker.com series).
One last analogy:
Your tenure decision is like a freight train, comin' down the tracks. It's coming. Maybe not today or next month, but it is a reality.
You can work on your tenure efforts, work on science Plan B, start interviewing in student affairs, or some combination of all of the above.
The train is comin'.
* I have a masters and have scrubbed toilets, and would gladly do it again.
Do I understand that you have about a year until your tenure decision comes down?
I remember when I was a kid in the 80s these "Choose Your Own Adventure" books were possible. One way to look at your career trajectory as such a story, with radiating outcomes from decisions.
If a year is long enough to get your tenure-efforts together, then you can do that.
If you don't think you'll get tenure, or don't want it, then you gotta move your butt.
I heard once (can't cite it, sorry. Maybe Carl Jung) about "The Tyranny of the Dream".
When we are young men, The Dream beckons us, promising endless opportunities for romantic love, meaning, and professional accolades.
All good stuff.
But The Dream can tyrannize us. Some tough love, and I hope I am wrong:
You may yet be the science rock star at the flagship institution. Or not.
You may get tenure. Or not.
You may work in science in high education, publishing, researching, teaching, and getting grants. Or not.
You may work in higher education. Or not.
I sincerely hope you get tenure and contribute to your field.
But if it doesn't work out, a year is just about the perfect amount of time to get your shit together for Plan B.
I encourage you to read the chilling gawker.com series "Hello from the Underclass". While none of us wants to end up in one of those situations, we are all eligible to. Yes, including tenured professors.
More Options
What is your ultimate goal?
If it is to work in science, are there any (any!) instutions/companies that would hire a phd in your field?
If your goal is to work in higher ed, consider that I know of three types of higher ed employees who do very well without tenure: administration, student affairs, and classified employees.
Would you be willing to push a broom third shift at your institution to put food on the table?
Would you be willing to scrub toilets* on a Wednesday morning?
Would you be willing to be Assistant Director of Admissions in student affairs?
I ask these questions not to be a Negative Nancy, but to be cognizant of the realities (see the gawker.com series).
One last analogy:
Your tenure decision is like a freight train, comin' down the tracks. It's coming. Maybe not today or next month, but it is a reality.
You can work on your tenure efforts, work on science Plan B, start interviewing in student affairs, or some combination of all of the above.
The train is comin'.
* I have a masters and have scrubbed toilets, and would gladly do it again.
Work is love made visible. -Kahlil Gibran
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
A person with a "why" can endure any "how". -Viktor Frankl
Which is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort? -Skyrim
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
Overall?What is your ultimate goal?
To feel like I belong. Comfortable, safe, secure, loved, accepted, respected.
To have a home, a loving and equal partner with mutual respect and responsibility. Kids. Friends.
Feeling like I have time to do things that I enjoy.
Career-wise?
I like being around smart, creative people. That's where I feel like I belong.
I like discovery. I like hands-on. I like working with students and helping them understand concepts and understand themselves.
I like inspiring others. I want to make a difference in people's lives. I want people to respect me, think that I'm smart, be recognized for my good work.
I like teaching. I like writing. I could be really happy being a tenured prof a a small liberal arts college, I think. I could let go of the dream of a high profile research career if I could be in a situation where teaching and the people doing I are respected and treated well in an area I would like to live. I don't feel hopeful that I would ever be lucky enough to land one at this point.
I spent four years of college, six years of grad school, 8 years as a postdoctoral, and going in five years as an assistant professor on this track. Between that, my self worth/depression/anxiety problems, and my enmeshment with and my enabling of my wife's issues, I haven't done much else in that time, so to have that work and investment add up to nothing would suck hard.
Re: Feeling like I'm hitting a low point
Fell on the bathroom floor yesterday morning. Was sitting on the toilet for too long (thanks, Angry Birds) and my foot fell asleep and I took two steps and the sleepy foot slipped out from under me and I landed on my ass. I was fine (though a little surprised and embarrassed), but got up, walked around, took a shower, got dressed and went to work and figured I would just walk it off. Elevated and iced my foot while at work because it was hurting ("You've got to lift it up." - Desmond Hume). Got worse, more swollen and hurt more to walk, so I hit the ER after dinner just to get X-rayed to make sure it wasn't broken.
Felt a little guilty going to the ER for that. I have good insurance and a good primary care doctor, and I probably could have gotten in to see him today and gotten X-rays there, but I didn't want to wait. Nothing broken, just a contusion, and lots of ibuprofen, elevation and ice made a big dent in it last night. Very glad to hear that it wasn't broken, because yoga, running, and baseball are the things helping me keep my sanity at the moment and giving them up for an extended period of time would have sucked.
Even though I had a long wait in the examination room at the ER (there were people in a lot more pain than I and I didn't mind waiting), I actually felt relaxed and peaceful. I still have a shitload to do at work and I am feeling very scared and hopeless about it and I am still avoiding and procrastinating somewhat, but just maybe this injury gave me a few seconds to take a step back. I hope I can maintain it. I did skip my therapy group last night to go to the ER, but it was a good trade off, I guess.
I have a lot of work to do, and there are circumstances beyond my control as to whether there will be positive outcomes to the work, but I can do it, and I can do the best that I can. I can talk back to those automatic thoughts that keep smacking me down and telling me that I suck, that I'm pathetic, that I'm a fool, that it's too little, too late.
I realize now that my fear of other people perceiving me that way has completely crippled my ability to ask for help when I legitimately need it, and my fear of other people seeing the way I am or just the need for help as incompetence or weakness has made it hard for me to open up and be authentic to other people and made me feel like an incomplete failure of a person. I hope it's not too late for me. I don't think it is. It is just scary, because I'm not sure that the job I'm fighting to keep is really going to keep me happy and satisfied in the long run. I don't know if the marriage that I am fighting to stay and the wife that I love are really ever going to be able to give me what I need from a wife and a marriage to feel complete and loved and secured. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to not put all my eggs in one basket - that I need to get love and support from many, many people (as well as myself) and not put all of that on one person. The trouble is, that requires letting other people know the real me, which is hard, because I don't even know the real me all the time.
Felt a little guilty going to the ER for that. I have good insurance and a good primary care doctor, and I probably could have gotten in to see him today and gotten X-rays there, but I didn't want to wait. Nothing broken, just a contusion, and lots of ibuprofen, elevation and ice made a big dent in it last night. Very glad to hear that it wasn't broken, because yoga, running, and baseball are the things helping me keep my sanity at the moment and giving them up for an extended period of time would have sucked.
Even though I had a long wait in the examination room at the ER (there were people in a lot more pain than I and I didn't mind waiting), I actually felt relaxed and peaceful. I still have a shitload to do at work and I am feeling very scared and hopeless about it and I am still avoiding and procrastinating somewhat, but just maybe this injury gave me a few seconds to take a step back. I hope I can maintain it. I did skip my therapy group last night to go to the ER, but it was a good trade off, I guess.
I have a lot of work to do, and there are circumstances beyond my control as to whether there will be positive outcomes to the work, but I can do it, and I can do the best that I can. I can talk back to those automatic thoughts that keep smacking me down and telling me that I suck, that I'm pathetic, that I'm a fool, that it's too little, too late.
I realize now that my fear of other people perceiving me that way has completely crippled my ability to ask for help when I legitimately need it, and my fear of other people seeing the way I am or just the need for help as incompetence or weakness has made it hard for me to open up and be authentic to other people and made me feel like an incomplete failure of a person. I hope it's not too late for me. I don't think it is. It is just scary, because I'm not sure that the job I'm fighting to keep is really going to keep me happy and satisfied in the long run. I don't know if the marriage that I am fighting to stay and the wife that I love are really ever going to be able to give me what I need from a wife and a marriage to feel complete and loved and secured. My therapist keeps telling me that I need to not put all my eggs in one basket - that I need to get love and support from many, many people (as well as myself) and not put all of that on one person. The trouble is, that requires letting other people know the real me, which is hard, because I don't even know the real me all the time.