Fears

[weary]

• I fear that will never be able to have the courage to tell my wife the things that I need from her and to set boundaries with consequences for her behavior.
• I am afraid that my wife will never be able to overcome her own problems with anxiety and depression enough to be functional enough to be the kind of partner I want her to be.
• I fear that I am stuck either in an unhappy, childless marriage living with a partner who's best is not enough for me, or that I will be alone for the rest of my life, because no other woman would ever want me in the state that I'm in.
• I'm afraid that if I left my wife something bad would happen to her and it would be my fault and I would never be able to live with the guilt.
• I'm afraid that if I left my wife all my family and the few friends I have would turn on me.
• I'm afraid that I'm too old to start over, whether it is in a relationship, career path, or whatever.
• I'm afraid to articulate (even to myself) what I really need to be a happy, satisfied person, because as soon as I commit to it I have to face the disappointment of maybe never being able to achieve it.
• I fear that my willpower and determination to change and to improve myself has been trampled out of me.
• I fear that my belief that anything I do matters is gone forever.
• I am afraid that my wife is the only person in the world that really gives a shit that I am even here or not and is the only one that would miss me if I'm gone, but that's only because she is so completely dependent on me and our emotional lives are so intertwined.
• I am afraid that I am never going to be able to get over the anger and resentment and frustration that I have built up against my wife, even if against all odds she gets her shit together.
• I'm afraid that my family history of cardiovascular disease and cancer is going to catch up with me (especially if stress/sleep deprivation continues to ravage my body), and if I ever get to the point that I feel OK about anything, I'm going to get sick and die.
• I am afraid that I am never going to be a father. That I am never going to have the opportunity to create a new life with a partner, to form that bond with a small human being, and to watch them grow and guide them.
  I'm afraid that I'm never going to be able to feel the love that's out there - from my wife, from my few friends, from the few family members that I still talk to.
• I am afraid that two years from now I will be out of a job and I won't be able to find another one in my profession.
• I am afraid that I don't really belong anywhere anymore.
• I am afraid that I missed all of my chances at happiness in life and I will never get another shot at love, at having kids, at living in a place that I want to live, at having a job that is rewarding and satisfying.
• I'm afraid I will always be overweight, no matter how much I clean up my diet or how much exercise I do.
• I'm afraid that I am so fucked up in the head that I will never be straightened out, no matter how many more years of therapy I do.
• I'm afraid that if I peel away all of the automatic thoughts, all of the self-criticism, all of the "shoulds" and anxieties and fears,all of the expectations that I am trying to live up to, there will be nothing left of me at the core.
• I'm afraid that I'm really a sick, perverted, disgusting person.
• I'm afraid of making people angry at me or disappointed in me to the extent that I avoid conflict at all costs, and my cowardice has fucked up my ability to function and see myself as a worthwhile human being.

[oak]

How I admire your honesty weary.

Such clear articlulation of your fears and feelings

[weary]

Thanks, I guess.
It's not something that I'm historically good at, and I'm not good at all in communicating these effectively to others (especially people who give a damn or should).

I usually just end up getting really angry or sad (and breaking down and crying). Got into it a little bit with my wife last night and pretty much all I could say is "I'm so scared" and "I'm so sad." And I hate it when she is trying to be supportive but I am still angry and resentful to her and I can't fully accept the love that she is offering. I hate it when she says "I wish there was something that I could do to help" and I feel like shouting "there are a million things that you can do to help - like get your shit together!". But in that moment, it's not about her problems and her shortcomings, it's about me and how I'm feeling, and if I start talking about how I'm feeling about her and her behaviors, it turns into a fight... and it's really confusing and scary.

[weary]

More fears:

• That I will be exposed as a failure and a fraud, and the world will rightly mock me.
• That my wife will finally get her shit together like I want her to, but will then decide she can do better than me and leave
• That none of my friends really love me, but they just feel sorry for me
• That my wife doesn't really love me, that she is just so fucked up and dependent on me that she has convinced herself that she does.
• That I will never see or talk to my father again, and he hates me and thinks I am stupid, even though I didn't do anything to deserve that
• That all of my mentors and people who helped and supported me in my life are horribly disappointed in me.
• That people talk shit about me behind my back.
• That my therapist thinks that I am a lost cause but is too nice or professional to tell me
• That my co-workers think that I am a lost cause but are too nice to tell me
• That my co-workers think that I am lazy, that I don't take my responsibilities seriously, or that I don't work hard enough because I'm not successful enough, even though none of them know all of the shit that I am dealing with in my personal life that saps my will to live