feel guilty about some things I did as a child

[littlecat]

Hi,
So I am sitting here feeling so ashamed about some things I did as a young child and I have never done anything remotely like this as an adult but I just had a big reveal to my therapist and I am struggling with the guilt/shame. I did a few things to my brothers that I am really ashamed of, a few physical fights and one thing that was of a sexual nature that I did but I was probably about 8 or 9. It happened once.

I was molested by a parent, was sexualized by them at a young age, was brought into my parent's problems, and one definitely inappropriate incident with my father and sexual abuse by some other kids prior to what I did. My therapist says those things confused my ideas of boundaries. I am not making an excuse for it, the shame is crushing.

Nothing has ever crossed my mind in this way ever after that with anyone/child.

Has anyone done things as kids that they really feel terrible about as an adult and can understand things differently now? How do you resolve the shame?

Thanks

[weary]

Have compassion for that child that you were. That hurt, scared little child is still alive in you. Talk to him/her. Comfort them. Forgive them. You weren't a bad person. You made some mistakes, some bad choices. Have compassion for that child. The fact that you outgrew those behaviors is testament to the fact that they haven't somehow tainted your life or your character. You are very brave for dealing with the memories of these incidents and the feelings they bring up.

[littlecat]

Thank you so much for writing that. It really makes me feel better.

[Fargin]

I'm working on it, but I really just started.

I threatened to stab myself with a big kitchen knife, just to scare my big brother and I also threatened both my siblings about leave home several times, never return and told them, they would be blamed when my parents came home. I was pretty good at it, very convincing and could get them to cry and beg. Or I'd walk down the street, around a corner and snicker to myself, thinking that I got the best of them. I knew exactly how they'd feel, because our mom would sometimes escalate into hysterics and threaten to get the blue rope in the garage and go down to the forest and hang herself or she'd tell us, she'd leave us, move into town and live in a small apartment, while we'd be sobbing and begging at her skirts.

I've tried to apologize or talk to my brother about it, but whenever I think about what I did the shame is so colossal and overwhelming. I can't be around family without feeling like a bad brother or disappointing son. When I try to have compassion for myself, I usually feel contempt, pathetic or someone manipulating/twisting what really happened.

[littlecat]

I am sorry that you feel such shame around things that from what I read you learned from your mother and she probably learned that from another adult when she was a child.

The reason it is so hard, I think is that we are judging our behavior from childhood with an adult brain that knows better. You were in pain and acting out because that is what kids do.They don't have the mind of an adult to use logic. Also you can't just leave a situation as a child the way an adult can.

You were just a kid. I think it is very courageous to be facing it and working on it and are breaking a cycle. Most people walk around this planet not shoveling through the tough stuff and taking it out on others.

I am sending back to you compassion and understanding.

And thank you for being brave and writing about this. It helps me feel like I am not the only one. You can use your act of bravery and kindness as evidence that you are not bad or disappointing.

[Fargin]

Thanks,

Since it's easier to trade compassion and understanding for another, than to extend it to yourself, I'll send some back your way.

[littlecat]

very true and thank you too

[Paul Gilmartin]

Littlecat,

I want to second what they said. You were a child experiencing an OVERWHELMING situation, and the only tool you knew to escape was to feel sexual oblivion and a sense of power/control.

You are not alone.

Paul

[Jose]

We had a couple of kids come over to our house on Halloween who I hadn't seen in a few years and they'd grown so big! It's amazing how fast you see someone go from a baby, to a toddler, to a snot nosed kid.. when we become adults, we're used to classifying the people we associate with as in stasis- technically fully grown, but not necessarily a fully 'realized' person yet. So, to see these kids running around and stringing together full sentences just kind of boggled my mind, reminded me how fragile life is. That no matter how much you've got it 'figured out', there are millions (billions) of other people going through every stage of life, just trying to find their way in this messed up world. It really kind of broke my heart, how much I identified with these young'ins. I guess it isn't until about 4 or 5 that you develop a real personality, before that you're basically just trying to gain control of your body and mind to figure out what the hell is going on. It brought me back to when I was their age, and all the things I did that I'm still ashamed of and have done a lot to shape my personality even 20 years later! It made me think 'Man, you've gotta forgive that kid. He didn't know what the fuck was going on! You were just thrust into the universe and nothing could've prepared you for what this life had to offer. Go easy on yourself." Seeing these kids just put that in a very digestible ( if hard to swallow ) context for me. It pained me to think of the kicks they got from such simple, little things, and how that will inevitably fade. The joy of life is that you keep growing and finding new things to capture your interest, but it all starts from this very painful, vulnerable, and ego driven place. I think people wrongly assume that kids 'got it good' because of their lack of responsibilities, their youthful and innocent nature. Seeing these kids reminded me that no matter how cute or rambunctious I seemed on the outside at their age, there was a lot of shame and ambivalence about life boiling beneath the surface of that little guy that remains there to this day. I'm just starting to accept and love the person I am now, but every once in a while something comes up from your past to make you think "Wow, I've really never had it figured out, have I?"

[Rian3424]

I understand the intense feelings of shame over childhood memories. Many I could not control, but a few that I "consented" to. One was similar to yours with an older brother although he initiated it. Our family was a dysfunction wreck with an alcoholic and gambling father who crossed the sexual lines with his daughter, me. An intense, raging and immature mother didn't help things. I agree with Weary that you should take that inner child of yours and comfort her. Work hard on forgiving and loving her. You were only a child without the ability to make good decisions all the time. I've had to work hard at forgiving my inner child for my wrong actions and actions of others that I've taken on. It's a process that I have to repeat over and over again when I feel the shame.