Shame

[rosedahlia31]

How do I get better when I'm too scared and ashamed to admit I have a problem? My bulimia is out of control. I can't stop eating, and the guilt drives me to purge. I don't know if I should tell my psychiatrist. He'll just tell me that I have to tell my family that I have a problem.

I'm 26 and I live with my mom. She caught me twice throwing up, but she doesn't like confrontation so she let it go. If she were to find out I'm still purging she will watch me like a hawk. I won't be able to eat alone, spend time alone after I eat, the cupboards will be monitored to see if I binge when she is at work. Being unemployed I eat out of boredom.

I can't take this anymore. I know my depression stems from my eating disorder. My biggest fear is that I'll get fat again. Though I think if my mom watches what I eat, I'll just end up starving myself. I'm 5'6" 120 lbs, but I want to get down to at least 105. I was that weight once. I loved my body then, but my family hated it. Of course they thought I was too skinny.

This is so fucking stupid, trading one eating disorder for another. I can't figure out what I want. I hate my body and always will. Even when I wasn't depressed I hated my body. So I'm happy, but very tired when I'm thin.

I hope this makes sense. I guess most people have conflicting emotions about recovery. Getting better, but afraid to leave your comfort zone. I just wish I could stop binging and purging. It hurts so much. It's an addiction that is so hard to overcome. I can't let it go. I need it

[mouse]

Oh, sweetie. 120 at 5'6''? You are already a skinny minnie.

Your psychiatrist can't make you do anything you don't want to do. Tell him that you're not ready to tell your mom and go from there. I hope you can get some help and get healthy. I've never struggled with an eating disorder to this extent, so I can't really give much advice. Maybe a support group would be a good first step in the right direction?

Sending lots of love your way. Be strong.

[oak]

Hey!

I am glad you posted, and that you are being willing to be honest.

While I know first hand how much unemployment sucks, I can't offer any advice or suggestions regarding the purging, other than: you are a person of intrinsic human worth.

I hope you find healing. I hope you keep posting.

[fifthsonata]

Your counselor won't tell you to just tell your family. Say you want to address that issue, but remember that you don't have to go for recovery with the counselor. Make that clear. Say you want help in dealing with it, but right now you're not ready to give it up - that's how I got my ass in to counseling a few years ago. It was nice for awhile. If your counselor just writes it off - it's time for a new counselor. This is part of your problem and for counseling to be effective, you have to be totally honest.

[Herself]

Would it be so bad to have your food monitored? Since you're having problems right now, maybe it would help.

[fifthsonata]

If you monitor a bulimic, it'll only make things worse. She may opt for restricting, stealing food to binge and purge....and the like. Nothing is more triggering and humiliating than being "watched" when you have an ED.

I could be speaking from my experience here, but that situation always made me much, much worse.

[Herself]

Thanks for explaining that!