FlashbackTriggers

[letteggs]

My PTSD is a result of ongoing medical tests from the time I was an infant until I was 10. I had to have nuclear tests at the hospital, where I would be held down by my mother (HELLO ISSUES!), multiple nurses, and a doctor, while I was catheterized and had the fluids pumped into my bladder. Hearing the word "catheter" makes me break out in a sweat, start to hyperventilate, shake, and cry. I had a minor attack 3 years ago when I had my gallbladder out and the nurse said they were going to catheterize me. I started to tear up and shake, and kept saying "No, I cannot have a catheter, I WILL not allow you to use a catheter." I had to beg them to let me go to the bathroom right before they put me under, and I ended up not needing one. I also watch the amount of fluids I take in, and get to the bathroom early, because if I wait too long and have the over full, "I've got to pee" feeling, I can hear my mother and the doctor telling me that I cannot pee, I have to wait until the tests are through. I'm fine with the hospital smells though, it's just the thought of anyone doing anything in that area completely freaks me out. I put off going to the gynecologist until just a few years ago, because of the fear of pain and unwelcome sensations. Most of my friends have had children, and as they were telling me about their labor experiences, I have had to stop them when they start to say "cath-" because I don't want those unwelcome feelings and sensations anymore. I also have night terrors as a result of the tests, and will wake up, STILL feeling like people are holding me down. I will be crying, sobbing uncontrollably, and hyperventilating, and have to get up out of bed and leave my room, brushing the feelings off of my arms in order to escape it.

[Zed]

The flashback scenario, the first post on this...thread?, is interesting.

I wonder if you could have it medically induced in order to relive the entire event several times in order to desensitize you to it. If it no longer bothers you, then it shouldn't trigger the PTSD, should it?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desensitiz ... chology%29

[reddelicious]

I completely agree about using MJ for PTSD symptoms and triggers. It is the only thing I've found that completely quiets things down.

For me it calms the fear of wondering when the next trigger will drop. The smells, the sounds, the way certain fabrics feel, music, etc. I think based on that my father suffers from PTSD (3 trips to Vietnam willingly) and then directed that toward his children I feel like I've inherited his triggers as well. Not to mention that I developed TLE from my brain being in a constant state of stress/fear. Smoking marijuana calms down the seizure activity.

I don't understand why, in 2013, people still don't want to accept the health benefits of smoking it.

[Awkwardly Fostered]

An example of trying to cope with my PTSD and trying to hide it at work...I was getting onto the elevator and I saw a gentleman that I work with walking in the direction of the elevator. I knew that his office was upstairs so I thought about care-taking for him and yelling out to him to ask if he wanted me to hold the elevator. I am always trying to push down my inner hyper-vigilance that is consistently working in the background of my mind to prevent an uncontrollable reaction. I second guessed my instinct because he was pretty far away and I figured he would yell out if he wanted me to hold the door. I thought "maybe he's not going upstairs" and I did not want to be embarrassed by my over caring attitude yet again. The door was almost closed and I let myself relax while I closed my eyes and covered my mouth to yawn. During my state of relaxation I heard the sudden sound of running with sneaker squeaking (like the sounds of sneakers on a gym floor during a basketball game) and I saw an arm reaching in trying to open the elevator door. I screamed. I REALLY screamed.

Later, I tried to pull it off by simply stating that he scared me and I had my eyes closed during a yawn, but apparently my reaction was so severe and alarming that he felt the need to share around the office how he had scared me and I had scared him more with my reaction. I kept playing it off saying I was yawning and I did not see him and I could tell he just thought I was weird. Great.

I couldn't blurt out that my mother had woken me up on several occasions when in a deep sleep beating me with an extension chord. My mother had a habit of waking me when I was in a deep sleep. She would sometimes wake me up multiple times at night to move me to a different location to get away from the "dust". She would be muttering over and over again "the dust is going to get into our lungs if we don't move and they will rape us and we won't know". She would move me to strange places to keep us safe from "the dust" like underneath the kitchen table or into the living room or into a closet that I was terrified of or into the dark cellar where there was an extra bed or onto a mattress straddled between the doorway with my head in the bathroom so that I could breath the clean air with the fan on...

My mom would tell me gory details of her hallucinations to help me to shut up and go to sleep and In reaction I would cover my head completely with a blanket and try not to breathe or breathe very quietly so that the evil bear spirit with blood dripping off of his fangs from his last kill could not hear me or see me and I would pretty much pass out every night from sheer terror. I became used to holding my breathe and tensing up thinking I would be attacked.

I could not tell him that when I was eleven I needed a place to stay after running away from home again because of my mother's rage and I was approached by three older teenagers in the park who offered me a room to stay for the night. I knew one of them and I really did not want to sleep in the park. They sounded so nice and understanding. I was shown into a small room with a twin size bed that had a nice little white bedspread. I was informed that I could stay there in his sister's room because she was on vacation. I was so grateful and I had my period and it was such a comfortable bed and I felt safe and thank God I was being treated nicely...and then the door opened and all three boys proceeded to rape me violently over and over again in places that should not have been visited at that time...

I could not tell this man that I worked with any of these things. I could not tell him that I had flashbacks of all of those occurrences in my life all at the same time when he startled me and that as a result I let out an involuntary shrieking scream as if I was reliving all of those things right then at that time all over again.

JUST A GLIMPSE of what PTSD is like for me...there's more - but I'm going to stop.