Am I Being Selfish (or any other variation of a dick)?

[quickfall]

I'm going to try to make this as succinct as possible, but also not leave anything out. If something's not clear I can clarify.

What the title of this thread is specifically referring to is probably fairly inconsequential, but it's directly in reference to the fact that I've blocked my best friend (on my phone, through the new feature in iOS7) and Facebook, etc. Basically all the ways we usually contact each other. There wasn't some huge fight or anything that caused this--I just realized one day recently that I just...don't want to talk to her, think about her, etc. Part of me feels really badly about that, but that part is slowly succumbing to the part of me that feels angry and used and, if nothing else, like I just can't get along with her anymore (or at least as of late). I could probably go on for a while about all the stuff that has led up to this, but I won't right now because most of that feels pretty solid in my mind.

Anyway, I guess what's specifically been on my mind too much and I'm feeling like I should feel guilty about is this: A little over a week ago we had a brief text conversation that I ended by not responding because what she said felt super dismissive and hurtful (an ongoing thing). Normally I would've pursued it in some way, but I'm just tired of it so I just stopped talking and cancelled my plans with her for the next day because I was just irritated and didn't want to see her. She texted me a few days later about something, and saying she'd want to get together soon, and I ignored that too. I don't quite know how to describe this accurately, but I just had felt good for such a while, particularly after what felt like "standing up" to her by not engaging in her dismissing me, and so talking to her...I don't know. I just literally had no desire to respond to her. So I didn't.

Yesterday I woke up thinking about how, because I know her well enough, she'd probably be wondering why I'm not talking to her. And in any event I didn't want her to think I was trying to hurt her feelings per se, but without going into why I wasn't speaking to her. I know I shouldn't have done this now, but I sent her a text that just said something like "Hey, FYI, my silence lately isn't meant to hurt your feelings." She responded with some stuff about work and said she was worried she had offended me. I sat on it for a while thinking about whether or not I should respond. My guy was screaming DON'T RESPOND but eventually I did, unfortunately, and said "Not so much offended as disenchanted/apathetic."

She later responded by asking me what I meant. I said something about just feeling tired of like I'm running around in circles (in our relationship), to which she said that it sounded like I was burnt out. So, once again, she clearly wasn't even receiving what I was saying and was just giving me canned responses. I can't even put into words how hurtful that is coming from her and just how hurt and used I feel lately. Anyway, I responded to her by saying "No, actually, I'm not burnt out at all and have been feeling pretty good lately even though I am really busy. But your response is quite evidentiary of why I didn't want to respond to your prompts. I'm sorry I started this conversation. Have a good night."

I then blocked her completely, so even if she's sent messages, I'll never get them. It felt really good at first, just felt right and like I was finally doing what's best for me right now. But as time has gone on (because I know she had some response that she thinks I got but I didn't because I blocked her) I start to wonder if I should feel bad or something.

I keep going back and forth between (a) this is what feels best for me and my mental health and peace right now and (b) blocking her (without her awareness of it) might hurt her feelings. The fear of our relationship ending scares me, too, because (and this is another mental struggle I'm having) either (a) she's my best friend and I don't want to lose her, or (b) she's now a different person than I thought she was and irrespective I've lost my best friend anyway.


What would you do in my situation? Am I being a dick? Honestly, the only thing I'm 100% sure of right now at this moment is that even if it was totally sweet and amicable, I just wouldn't want to talk to her right now. But being so sure about that worries me, in a way.


I hope this has made some sort of sense. :/

[Herself]

I would say to either stop being so passive aggressive and tell your friend - clearly - what's bothering you, or break off contact completely. You're sitting around, waiting for her to ask what's wrong, but being vague when she does. It's the equivalent of saying, "If you don't know what's wrong, I'm not going to tell you!"

If you don't want to be friends with her anymore, don't. If you do, fix it.