Asexuality

[Geoff]

I'm not entirely sure how to feel about sex. The idea of it feels foreign to me, and it's difficult to reconcile that with seemingly all of my peers (early-mid 20s) suddenly having serious sexual relationships and getting married. What are they experiencing/"getting" that I can't fathom? It makes me feel alien on yet another level. I have so little interest in any of it. I mean, I'm not disgusted by sex. I'd like to try it at some point, just to see if I enjoy it. It just doesn't drive me in any way.

I do like physical intimacy, as far as hugging, cuddling, holding hands. And I'm attracted to women on some level, but am short of the "I want to have sex with this person" idea. I want to be close to people and talk to them without superficiality or the need for a mask, but not much beyond that.

The odd part is, growing up in such a hypersexualized society, when I care about so little of it, is incredibly confusing. It makes me wonder whether I'm "genuinely" asexual or have just gone through enough disillusionment in the construct of relationships in my life that I've just shut down.

Sorry this post is a bit scatterbrained. I have no clue how to address it in any sort of structured way.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for any responses!

[oak]

Well hey there Geoff. Thanks for posting. Very interesting. I am glad you shared.

From what I understand, you are certainly not alone. I know there is a growing online community of asexual people. I think they refer to themselves as "aces".

You and I are in agreement that hugging and cuddling are indeed wonderful.

I 100% kindly encourage you to be patient as you explore this part of your identity. You don't have to decide anything today.

As a hetero dude, I can identify with a word you mentioned: drive. A desire to have sex with women drives much of my behavior: my grooming, work, culture, physical fitness. I certainly feel a burning for sex with women.

So, my two cents is that whatever conclusions you come to, and how those views evolve, don't worry about "being normal". If there are an truly "normal" people out there, they are incredibly boring. It is better to be you, whoever that "you" turns out to be. That "you" is Enough. You don't have to justify anything you do or anything you don't do to anyone.

Heed the words of my old sponsor: "Normal is a setting on a washing machine."

[ghughes1980]

You are certainly not alone Geoff I feel the same way. Throughout my 20's and into today the whole thing seemed odd. Unlike you I have major issues with physical proximity and my own boundaries so I think you have a shot at finding someone. Anyway I'd suggest what has been suggested to me. Get out there and mingle. If doesn't have to lead anywhere but hell it might. Be honest with the people you meet and tell them you are a bit uncomfortable and things generally smooth over.

Now if I could take my own advice that would be great right...

[Geoff]

Hey guys, thanks again for the replies!

Oak: I have heard of the online community; they have a forum as well, and I was on it for a while. I have a hard time keeping up with most forums though (this is the only one on which I'm currently active). I'll try to check back into it and see if I feel like talking a bit more on it. I remember it was a bit difficult to keep up with that one in particular, as there were a lot of things that I wasn't used to encountering at the time (i.e. mental illness and transgender have a pretty big representation there, things where I didn't know what it was or how to react...I'm sure you know the feeling). So maybe now I'll be more comfortable.

There's also a documentary on Netflix, which I haven't gotten around to watching yet, and am debating whether to or not (I might just go for it tonight or tomorrow), called "(A)sexual," which is basically about the sort of "underground movement" that's going on with this community.

Thank you for the encouragement to be patient with myself. I'm trying to figure out how to be. Much harder said than done. Once again, all of my peers and friends seem so secure about their sexuality (straight, gay, whatever) that I feel "slow." I'm trying desperately to convince myself that such a trait isn't an inherently bad thing. It makes me want to pull my hair out (more than usual, anyway).

Anyway, thanks again (I feel like I'm going a bit overboard with the thanks...but hey, it's honest). I haven't talked with many people about this thing (I just talked about it with my therapist for the first time yesterday; I've been seeing her since June), so it feels really good to air it out and have such a welcoming response.

[manuel_moe_g]

Once again, all of my peers and friends seem so secure about their sexuality (straight, gay, whatever) that I feel "slow." I'm trying desperately to convince myself that such a trait isn't an inherently bad thing. It makes me want to pull my hair out (more than usual, anyway).

This is me, my experience growing up and living.

I don't want to trample you with my autobiography, because you are the expert on your own experience. These are my experiences:

[1] I needed to learn that relationships, at the start, were about giving gifts of positive attention and a feeling of generosity, instead of something that I earned, or something I deserved, or something transactional.

[2] I needed to learn that I wanted emotional intimacy and intensity first, then physical intimacy. This is not rewarded in western culture, oh well

[3] I needed to learn that anyone I scared off with my emotional intensity and slowness of sexual experience was definately not a loss - they were not a partner for any part of my being

Just my two cents

[Sherlock]

It makes me wonder whether I'm "genuinely" asexual or have just gone through enough disillusionment in the construct of relationships in my life that I've just shut down.

While I'm not asexual myself, I've read quite a bit from asexual communities and I get the impression that it's totally fine if your asexuality is just "a phase"--not to be pejorative, but for real, that it's something that can come and go and that's okay. You can still seek support and identification from it. You can even still be asexual if you find yourself in a sexual relationship yet are still experiencing a low sex-drive, from what I understand. You can just consider yourself possibly being demisexual if you happen to have a sex-drive with that person. Honestly from what I've read of your post, it sounds like you could call yourself asexual--but I can see why you may be hesitant to tell someone that who you're meeting, especially a potential romantic companion, if you have yet to experience sex and still wanted to try it.

I say don't worry TOO much about finding a partner because, well, it's cliche but I keep hearing "it's going to happen when you least expect it" and I tend to believe in that. I think it's a good mindset to have just so you don't put too much pressure on yourself to get something that is so dependent on mutual interest--you can't control how another person feels and what they choose to do, just your own, so it seems better to just worry about your own state of being and "let things happen" rather than trying too much to find someone who will be interested in you in the same way while being compatible (or worse, going after someone who isn't even interested--I know that experience too well). If you concentrate on yourself and happen to meet someone really awesome, maybe after bonding with them you'll have sex with them and find out it's for you; or maybe you'll find out that even when you're with compatible person you're totally into on a romantic level that you still don't feel the desire for sex at all. I think in either case you may feel some level of confusion and bad feelings but if you're with that other person and they're understanding, that's even better--so don't try TOO hard to just find anyone, you know what I mean? That person should be really awesome for you and respect your desires and boundaries.

Just as a really loose example: I'm bisexual but I've never been with a girl. I'm just not worried about "confirming" it because I'm still a virgin; I've had a boyfriend but we never had sex. I mean, sometimes I do worry about whether or not I've taken this identity too swiftly for myself, but generally speaking, I'm not concerned about finding a girlfriend or a sex partner just to confirm my sexuality. For one, because I don't really think that's fair to the other person (personally), and for two, like I said before, I think relationships tend to just be something that "just happens," and for three I think I'm actually more interested in the idea of having a girlfriend and having sex with her than making sure I want to do that in the first place--it would be new and maybe enlightening in unexpected ways but I wouldn't go into it for confirmation. Not to mention I've found myself to be pretty turned on by girls in the past, without any kind of mutual thing, so for me, it's like there's enough confirmation. If I find a girl and I'm lucky enough that she's compatible and interested and we have sex, then I'll probably feel kind of awesome for getting my bisexuality "confirmed," but if I find a guy instead and get lucky enough to spend the rest of my life with him (unlikely, but I can dream~) then I actually don't think that takes away from my original identity as bisexual--there's not a lot you could do to get me to stop being queer, I think. Maybe if I had sex with a girl and hated/was apathetic to it... but there'd be so many reasons to suspect there would be other reasons for that anyway, and again, it wouldn't exactly erase all the times I've masturbated to the thought of being with a girl or about girls, to put it bluntly.

I guess I'm just saying if you feel that it's your identity, then take it and don't let anyone tell you otherwise because it's such a private thing anyway. If you want to explore your sexuality further then go for it, just never to the point where it's detrimental to your self-esteem.

I'm just hoping you have the sense that you're not "missing out" on anything--from what I've read about ace people, they can be really super happy without ever having sex. Actually I've heard that they are happier not having sex at all because the once or twice experience of sex was so not right for them to begin with and they were usually pressured in some way, funnily enough. Don't fall for the myth of our hyper-sexualized culture that says you're unworthy and pathetic if you die a virgin. It's a single aspect of life and of relationships, not the end all be all.

Sorry if any of this was confusing to read--most of it is rather ineloquent. I'm just saying, asexuality should be a confirming in itself, not invalidating in itself. And there shouldn't be too much fear if you find out you weren't asexual after all--don't be so hard on yourself for exploring your sexuality in the minus, or for the possibility of being "wrong" when there has to be reasons behind you exploring that in the first place. Sexuality is good to explore no matter what the conclusion is.

[Claddagh]

So I know it's been a while since anyone has commented on this thread but I feel like I need to say something. First, I am not asexual. I'm have an extremely low sex drive but I still like getting some every once in awhile. The physical act of sex isn't all that great to me. I like the flirting and the teasing that leads up to it, but once I'm there it's 'eh'. Having said that, my husband is asexual. He'd never admit to it (out loud) but he is the definition of an ace. Since we started dating almost five years ago we have only had sex once a month. One time I got him to do it twice in a month but it took some begging. I always noticed that he had zero interest in flirting or banter among friends about anything that had to do with sex. He never ever looked at a hot girl walking by (or a hot boy, if that's what you're thinking). I find women attractive. I have been with women and I enjoyed it but I don't consider myself bisexual... although I probably should. So when a good looking girl walks by I make it known. My husband just rolls his eyes and changes the subject or doesn't say anything at all.

At first I thought he just wanted to take things slow. Then I thought he might be gay. Then I thought he didn't like having sex with me. My self-esteem plummeted and I felt very alone and insecure. And then one day I came across a website that had people discussing asexuality. I had never even heard of this before. I read everything I could find on it and I finally had my answer. He just didn't want to do it. He loves me, he enjoys my company, but he just isn't interested in sex. After years of feeling rejected I was finally able to go to him and tell him that I would no longer ask for sex. I told him if he wanted it he was more than welcome to initiate it. That was on 9/28/13... 7 months ago. It has never been brought up again. And I tell you what, our relationship is stronger than its ever been. Sure I still have times when I'd like to get laid, but I just turn to my trusty Hitachi Wand and call it good (sorry if TMI). So far this has worked for us. Most sexual people would never be able to go without sex and the closeness it brings to the relationship, but so far I'm OK with it. I don't know how I'll feel 5 or 10 years from now. No one does. But for now, life is great and I will cherish every moment.

Now, my point is, whether you are asexual or not, it's OK. The people that love you will be there for you. It isn't the easiest rode to travel but it's your journey. We don't get to choose our sexual orientation. It's just part of who we are. But it isn't the only thing we are. Embrace it, be honest with yourself, and the rest will fall into place. I wish you the best and thanks for reading.

[Elizabethssstuff]

The issue becomes an issue if you or your partner have different ideas of what sexuality works for them. When you're very young and dating, sometimes who you are, isn't who you 'really' are. As a female I was very happy to have met such a decent respectful man. Years later, I understand differently and its extremely painful remaining married to him. He's relatively asexual, I'm very sexual and we're married with 3 grown children. What that does to your psyche as a young woman, wife, mother is difficult because the man isn't comfortable admitting this, relating work stress, children etc. While the woman believes it that shes unwanted and undesirable. It's a tough road is all I'm saying without honest communication, particularly when you love your children and family, but you feel oddly disconnected sexually Oversexualized media doesn't make this any easier for either partner.