Is Your Sexual Identity Hard to Define?

[Raggedy Brandi]

Bigeekgirl,

Thank you for your reply and opening up about your interests. Yeah, 50 Shades pffft. I haven't read it, so my feelings on it are quite uninformed and biased, I am ashamed to admit. I have been in the "lifestyle" for close to 10 years. My bf and I are not the kind of people who go to the clubs, shows, classes, etc. We keep it private, except on the occasion we invite someone else to participate. There are many ways to experience and different degrees.

Raggedy

[bigeekgirl]

Raggedy,

I think you'll be a great addition to the MentalPod community. So many of the survey responses about sexual fantasies describe things that don't seem so far out in a BDSM way but if you've only ever heard people talk about vanilla sex, daydreaming about even the most basic "other" things seems extreme. Personally, I don't find anything among consenting adults "bad" even if it's something I'd never want myself. Some of my openness about sex comes from the couple years I worked as a phone sex operator. I learned a lot about the wide variety of normal out there and about some of the strange things people get off on. I've barked on the phone, pretended to be a giantess crushing a tiny man and I know a lady who was asked to make "giant squid noises" so D/s seems pretty mainstream by comparison. When you think about it, sex is kind of weird and messy and silly regardless especially that we humans do it for so many reasons besides just base hormones and reproduction. It's also one of my favorite topics in the whole wide world in a nerdy kind of way in addition to the sexy titillating way.

[meh]

not to pat myself on the back... ok... patting myself on the back

but...

These sort of conversations are exactly why I suggested a sexuality forum.

[bigeekgirl]

*pats meh on the back*

Some of the best stuff from the show and the surveys in my not so humble opinion is the sexuality stuff. We're inundated with sexy imagery but so little honesty in our culture, so no one seems to think they are "normal" when normal is a pretty big tent.

[meh]

We're so inundated with sexual imagery that sexuality itself is cheapened and commoditized.

It's worse for the young 'uns. They have no context to process the mountains of easily available porn. As the father of a teenage boy, I'm not looking forward to the 'sex is not like what you see in porn' conversation I'm going to have with him.

And thanks for the pat....

[bigeekgirl]

Don't forget to leave out the fact that much of the stuff depicted in porn doesn't actually feel like anything to the woman no matter how much the actresses moan and groan. In real life, it would be awkward and ridiculous and not at all sexy to do many things common in porn.

Porn is a new thing for me in the last couple of years. I started watching it as "training" for when I started doing phone sex at the age of 29 and I've come to enjoy certain aspects, but I've not found anything in video format I don't find icky on some level. Even the stuff I get turned on by is bizarre the very moment I get off. I can't even imagine what I would think about sex if I'd seen porn before becoming sexually experienced. I do rather like pictures and an occasional GIF, but once we get into "movies" it's all so bad.

[meh]

I love porn of all shapes and colors but yes, most of it is awful. And no matter how much the guys moan and groan - most of the stuff doesn't do it for men in real life either.

I think we need a porn thread.

[Raggedy Brandi]

Pats meh on the back as well. That sounds like a good idea on the whole...lol But....

[Jaffa Cakes]

Hi, I'm new here so I'm not sure this is the place for this post, but here goes...

I consider myself a straight woman, but I do occasionally feel attracted to women. I have a fascination with/get turned on by women's breasts. I remember when I was about 11 or 12, my younger brother and I found a porn magazine in the woods by the parkway. He, being your average curious young boy, wanted to look at it, but I took it from him, telling him it's not good to look at porn. We left the magazine in the woods. Later I came back on my own, found the mag, and secreted it home. I hid it in my room sneaking looks at it. When I got older, I thought back on it, figuring I was just curious to know what my own boobs would look like when they developed. After college Psych 101, I thought maybe my fascination had something to do with not being breast fed as a baby. As a freshman, I was pretty ignorant about what being a lesbian even was. Once I saw two girls in the elevator in my all-girl dorm laughing and touching suggestively, carrying cans of ready-whip. I had no idea what they were doing. I later learned about lesbianism from books, thinking it interesting, but still not recognizing myself.

See, I fall in love with guys. I have never fallen in love with a woman. I've had girl-crushes, like on actresses. But I figured everyone did. I've had all my sexual experiences with guys, finding it pleasurable, but never mind-blowing. I figured I just hadn't found the right guy. I'm 42 now, and in the last 22 years, I've been with 11 men, most of them just once. I've never been with a woman, but I think about it. I get turned on by lesbian sex scenes in movies. And I occasionally watch lesbian porn, just to see their tits and fantasize about touching them, even licking or sucking on them. So does that make me bi-sexual? I'm not sure. I thought to be bi-sexual was about more than just attraction, but was about being able to date, have a relationship, fall in love with either a man or a woman. I feel like calling myself bi-sexual would cheapen the word. That there are others who are truly bi-sexual because of real romantic feelings, not just being turned on.

Then there's the other thing. I do not think about eating pussy. I have always been uncomfortable with oral sex. With men too. I have an easy gag reflex, so have never successfully given a blow job, after just one or two attempts and don't really want to try again. I'm kind of grossed out about putting my mouth in the same place pee comes out. Guys I've been with have gone down on me, and it felt good, but I didn't want to reciprocate (how selfish!). I feel like I would be the same with a woman, I would let her go down on me, but I wouldn't want to do the same for her. I would just want to kiss and feel her body. I would be into fingering her, and even rubbing pussies together (tribbing?), maybe even using a double-sided dildo. But I have yet to act on any of these fantasies.

I took the Kinsey test and came out with a 3, equally heterosexual and homosexual, which seems to indicate bi-sexual. But aren't there some qualifications there that I don't have? I thought about trying to go to a lesbian bar, to meet someone, have some experience. But I worry that whomever I meet would see though me, that I'm not truly a lesbian, or bi-sexual. Or am I? I've never told anyone any of this stuff. Thanks for letting me express my feelings.

What do you guys think? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[bigeekgirl]

Jaffa Cakes - I think bisexual is a reasonable shorthand for what you explained, but there's no reason to label yourself if you don't fit in a neat box. Yet, I am a lover of naming, labels and definitions, so I understand the impulse.

I've thought about why I'm bi, too. There are some "reasons" I might be attracted to women, but there are also reasons I'm attracted to certain things in men. It doesn't make my attraction any less valid. I grew up with attitudes that if you were gay it was a lack in your upbringing. To my mother, if a woman is attracted to other women, it's because her relationship with her mother was broken. So, if that's why I'm bi... well... I also have cousins I wasn't raised around who are bi, so nurture or nature, our mothers were raised together. What makes me feel it's futile to try to figure out the why is how homophobic it sounds to try to figure out where same sex attraction springs from, ya know? It is what it is and there's nothing wrong with it no matter why. I personally think the Freudian idea lack of breastfeeding would lead to a desire for breasts is sort of simplistic and makes a fetish out of a rather normal desire. The lack of nurturing in my childhood does play into wanting to feel safe and supported in my close relationships regardless of gender or romance, but especially from my husband.

I thought of myself as bi-curious until I actually had sexual experiences with women, but I had the attractions since puberty, but like you don't desire relationships with a woman in the same way although I would love a good friend with benefits rather than a partner. Another term I've heard is hetero-flexible and that might be a label women like you and I. I've heard asexual folks describe wanting romantic relationships with no sexual component so maybe I'm almost opposite in my attraction to women. I want to have friendship and sex, not romantic love.

With the broad spectrum that is human desire, I hope it's possible to meet someone who's desires match up with mine. I imagine that's possible for you, too. But porn and fantasizing are pretty damn good, too, right?