Everything is relative, validation is key

[OneJoeShort]

I typed up a post a few months ago then saved it as a draft, it was very early in the morning and the desire to sleep had finally destroyed any willpower I had to finalize anything. Here's what I wrote, I'm in a similar place right now (it's 3:13am) and I find myself just sitting here in front of my computer seemingly compelled to not sleep yet having almost nothing to actually do here. In the spirit of being productive I figured I'd unleash this, I don't think I have to elaborate on why I have that weird tough feeling that stops me from just getting on with it.

Hey I'm Joe

I've always been in a haze for most of my life, I have extremely few memories I can recall of either happiness or sadness. It's taken a lot for me to even realise it was a haze, and still is so, instead of just 'how things are'. I should mention I have no diagnosed mental illness and the worst of my childhood drama was just a parent without the proper tools to see me, and as such I think a huge overtone of my life has been neglect. It's been so tough for me to actually recognise that even though I wasn't hurt in some crazy way, this does in fact hurt and it's had a massive effect on my behaviour in my life and more importantly it's got me stuck.

I have mostly memories of sitting or laying on my bedroom carpet beside my bed or dresser for seemingly hours, actually seemingly my entire childhood, and I just stare into and past everything. Not even daydreams really, just a calm numb nothingness.

I had some initial outbursts in early school life where I verbally bullied mostly to try and inamer my way into a social group, of course even when this succeeded it left me sitting beside someone who really didn't see anything other than my shallow actions to win them over, and I was never the funny one or anything notable... those were the people I wanted to be around and not the being I wanted to be (I think, at least I definitely didn't feel capable of being a person like that). These friends were not friends for more than a fleeting term, as such is my life up until this point where my strongest bonds are with the very last group of decent guys I left high school with and I only ever see them for that 'hey let's all get together and play games/drink and hang out like in high school' times. Never am I contacted specifically, and at most I respond to things they say on facebook with almost never a response back from them, in fact a lot of the time they respond to someone elses comment above or below mine like I'm entirely invisible.

yet if I got the text that they were doing some same old get together now I'd basically drop my shitty job if I was required to work that day and go, but it hasn't happened in almost a year now.

Sorry for the long words on what is kind of a slightly sad life, I'm here because I recently started going to therapy and it's been very good so far. I've only been to about 3 visits and each has had some progress in the sense that I felt nice afterwards and the things brought up were deeper than I thought even if I intellectually knew about them... I guess the biggest thing is having someone actively curious about my life and me, that's sort of amazing when you haven't had that ever, from anyone.

[bigeekgirl]

Welcome to the forum. Nice to meet you.

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like I'm a bit older, but the bullying I suffered in school has left lasting marks on my soul. And I've only just begun to accept, I wouldn't have been such a target had my parental influences not set me up to be socially inept. I haven't got it all figured out and healed and I doubt I ever will, but the numbness is mostly gone. Sometimes I actually miss it when feeling my emotions is overwhelming, but I'm capable of happiness I never knew was possible so I'll take the crying jags if that's the price.

I know how you feel about therapy. As terrible as it sounds, I like having one person in my life who don't need anything at all from me. Our little session every few weeks is only about me. I feel like she's interested in me and I feel like she likes me. Both are important to me, but I also try hard to let go of the idea of pleasing my therapist. For a co-dependent personality like me, that in and of itself is healing.

Never doubt, whatever it was you suffered to leave you feeling like you do today is "bad enough" to deserve as much help as you need to be happy and grow into the person you want to be.

[Sherlock]

Welcome to the forum.

I identified a lot with what you said. I didn't really have friends in school, either; there were a group of girls I had, but I never felt I was listened to--I would stay silent while they would yap on and on. More often I was taunted by them and forced to be their little comedian-on-command; they'd play a game of ditching me and leaving me to run after they while I laughed and while I felt abandoned and panicking because I didn't realize I had other options for friends. I didn't feel like I had other options for friends because I was so inside of myself and shy. Outside of school, I suppressed a lot of my voice and emotion, since I had two very temperamental older siblings who would lash out at both me and my mom... my mom wasn't really equipped to handle three kids; she could cook and take care of us but our emotional needs and social skills were stunted. There wasn't a lot of outside support, either.

I hope you find your voice and become in contact with your emotions through therapy, and I also hope you find an avenue for new friends. Hate to sound like Paul here but group therapy would probably be a great way to find new people to become friends with; or if you have a hobby, you can find people that share your interests, online or otherwise. If you don't have a hobby then it'd be a great new journey to embark on.

[OneJoeShort]

I've put some thought and even reached out and searched for group therapy/support but the options are really limited especially since I don't really fit into some of the more common subjects (Addiction, Trama etc). Finding a group just for general depression or whatever, is challenging. I don't think I require a group but I looked because I knew it could be an excuse to connect with people on a more personal level, and I'll continue to not lock myself out from the possibility of finding a group to visit in the future.

I guess I didn't mention things like my age or some other basic details.

I'm 26 and I have no siblings, my parents split when I was 3 and my Dad chose to let my Mom raise me. I think social pressures were in effect there since out of both my parents my Dad is the one that has actual ferocious love towards me, I don't know how my Mother was during those times but for my entire memory she's not had the skills or tools to connect with me in the ways a parent needs to. She was a good room-mate basically, well until I got older then she became just an acceptable room-mate.

There's probably some resentment towards my dad for not putting up a fight and trying to keep me with him, but it's really not strong because I've never known anything else and I didn't ever think about it until these past years. They did a good job of not creating a toxic relationship between them and me, and I saw my dad basically every weekend or so as I grew. As I think more about my life I realise I used a lot of the time with my dad as a vacation for my mind, rather than specifically time to bond with him.

A lot of my experience in school formed me into someone who doesn't trust my first reaction or actions towards something, because they were so often something I regretted later and were aimed at impressing someone, and they always failed or just because extremely unsatisfying or hard to maintain. I never really got the chance to be myself and have someone see that and react in a good manner, because of all this I've forged myself into someone who above all else keeps an open mind and considers my own thoughts so often that it has benefited me. Seeing how my own thoughts can be something I disagree with later on makes me feel really able to empathise with others and their actions, and am often the person listening to a co-worker rant about something while I stay calm and easily bring up reasons for why their situation isn't one sided.

So things I have to work on are trusting the person I know I am inside, and letting myself reach out and do things so others can see me as well. Therapy has been so awesome, and I'm so glad my first experience with it has been so uplifting. I really respect my therapist on all the levels I think I can manage and she continues to impress me with how much patience she has, and willingness on her part to be open with me. It really is the most helpful to have this sort of relationship that can serve as a template for building real ones outside the sessions.

Thanks for the words and giving your attention for a bit. Everyone that is involved with the forums and the podcast are so brave, it's always delightful when I listen or read every week.

Cheers.