A Catch22 in reaching out

[ether667]

Greetings everyone! I know it's been awhile and most of you don't know me yet or have completely forgotten my existence. I recently posted a guest blog entry about my experiences as of late, however that's not why I started this topic.

The fact is that I haven't participated in the forum for a long while, which seems to be a bad habit of mine, though I've been listening to the show religiously. This practice is something that I've found myself doing quite often when it comes to forums, and I'm not entirely sure why it happens that way. I'm normally a pretty open and outgoing person, and I can honestly say I have no problem expressing myself with others, and yet I still procrastinate when it comes to coming here and being among like-minded folk! I'm saying this because I truly WANT to be here and something seems to be keeping me from it at times. I don't even know what that 'something' is!

So one of the places that I know consciously that is truly helpful to myself and others is also a place I have a hard time keeping up with consistently. Now that a lot of drama in my life is (hopefully!) coming to a close, I'm going to make an effort to be present here again.

I'm also wondering if anyone else here from time to time has that issue, perhaps more mild or severe than mine. I'm sure a lot of the ones who suffer from it won't be able to read and respond to this, since they obviously aren't here most of the time, though anyone else have been having similar experiences? Insight?

-Ether

[next year]

Wow, I just read your blog entry - I am so sorry for your losses. I think it is amazing that you were able to write a coherent blog about what's going on, and that you are able to reach out to those around you for help. That is always the hardest part for me. I think that's why I am active on forums. It's easier somehow - maybe the anonymity. I kind of feel the same way about church - not anonymous, but I find it easier to ask for help and to admit my weaknesses with my friends at church. Maybe because we're all searching, and we are on this crazy fucked up journey together. Does that make sense?

Anyway I can totally see why when you are more active at some times than others. I find myself doing the same thing.

[ether667]

Thank you Next Year! It's been all part of my healing process to be able to speak up about it. When my mom passed about 8 years ago I never felt that I grieved correctly. I said exactly what I meant, that it's only when one reaches their limits that they're forced to either shut down or start accepting what is happening for what it is.

It also helps that I began therapy that month. Mr. Gilmartin, if you're reading this, I thank you, your guests and this show for the gentle nudge that pushed me in that direction.

The anonymity does make some of this much easier to deal with, I agree. It's just weird that something like this (forum posting) that one would seem to actively want to participate in instead forgets or makes excuses why he doesn't. For me at least, I get sidetracked too easily I think.

[manuel_moe_g]

yet I still procrastinate when it comes to coming here and being among like-minded folk!

Yeah, even small problems in day to day life, or mindless amusements I use to distract myself from things that cause me anxiety, can make me forget my purpose and do helpful things for myself.

I guess one part of depression is foggyness about priorities.

Take care, all the best!

[ether667]

Thank you Manuel Moe! I think you nailed it for me, that my depression clouds my ability to prioritize in a healthy manner. At certain moments I'm just so compelled to seek out comfort that I can't see myself doing anything that requires much effort. And I have a problem with doing things that come out less than perfect, so procrastination continues.

[Moon Unit]

I can relate to your feelings about inconsistency. I have a lot of journals and sketchbooks that are 90% blank pages. I started them, left them too long and then felt I couldn't go back and use that same book months later...then going out, buying a new one and doing it again... What is that?

[manuel_moe_g]

> I started them, left them too long and then felt I couldn't go back and use that same book months later

I am working on forgiving myself more: forgiving myself for past mistakes, forgiving myself for my low level of ability and willpower, forgiving myself for leaving things undone while I concentrate my energy on just one thing.

Because without forgiveness my pattern is to fail, then hate myself, then give up, then backslide into a very negative and dangerous place.

[fantine-ish]

I've been working on self-forgiveness too. My new thing is to acknowledge what's happened (whether it be something I feel I've done, feelings, etc) and then let it go. It's a challenge but I think it's definitely helping me. I'm also trying to "take care of me"... as in doing nice things for myself because I do deserve it. It's not like buying stuff but more like making sure I get enough sleep and eat right. Exercising...little things.

[julie007]

my depression clouds my ability to prioritize in a healthy manner. At certain moments I'm just so compelled to seek out comfort that I can't see myself doing anything that requires much effort. And I have a problem with doing things that come out less than perfect, so procrastination continues.

I can completely relate to this. Thank you for explaining me to myself so concisely. I am a recovering procrastinator. I thought I got it genetically (and therefore permanently) from my dad but I have found out it is learned behavior. Very much want to unlearn it.

And yes, I too have put off participating on this forum even tho I know it helps. I think it's hard to get next to myself and checking out on Netflix, etc., seems easier and more comfortably numb. But eventually it grows so unsatisfying and painful that I have to connect or things get REALLY dark. Thanks for listening/reading/being out there. We are not alone.