What should my goals be in therapy?

[Frootsy Collins]

I'm in the process of trying to find a therapist in my area to start going to. I have done it before, but not in awhile. Can anyone who is or has gone through therapy give me some of their thoughts on what I should expect to get out of it, and what my attitude should be going into the sessions? Anything I should look for when deciding which therapist I should choose? I'm sure this is very subjective, but I'd like to hear about other people's experiences.

[Michigoose]

I have had too many therapists to count, over the last 22 years. Some were more helpful than others.
Bottom line --
-- you usually (but not always) get what you pay for
-- insurance companies like to keep you on medication and out of therapy, even if it means you never make any progress and are caught in the same traps for years, getting more and more miserable
-- Therapy with the right therapist can be one of the most important investments you ever make
-- YOU are in control of the process. If you feel like your therapist doesn't "get" you, or doesn't feel right, then find another one.

Pardon the brain dump... It's not well-organized, but I hope it helps.

The trait in my current therapist that made my work with him so successful is that he is smarter than I am and he calls me on my own bullshit. For years I went to therapists (paid for by insurance) who were too willing to let me feel sorry for myself and had low expectations for me. They would tell me that it was okay to stay home from work if I was upset about having nightmares -- under the guise that it was "taking care of myself". I understand that there are times when going to work is not a good idea, like when I can't stop crying. But this approach wasn't helping me.

My current therapist really pushes me to be a person who has a rewarding life. That means I have to make myself go to work even if it means I take an Ativan first, and it means I don't get to feel sorry for myself. It took me a long time to understand the difference between feeling sorry for myself and doing constructive work with old feelings. At first I thought that any talk about things that upset me in the past is useless and feeling sorry for myself, but I found that it was necessary to understand why I feel so traumatized all of the time, and to understand that people at work aren't really going to attack me because they're not unreasonable. What is feeling sorry for myself is complaining that things will never get better and no one will love me and I will end up like that hunched old lady that I saw in the grocery store... you probably get the idea. He won't listen to it, not for a minute.

When I found my current therapist and discovered that he didn't accept insurance and that I'd be on my own with submitting any claims and covering the difference between what they would pay and what the therapist charged, I was hesitant. This last round of therapy has been very expensive and at first (when I was stalled at work and not making much money) I was apprehensive about the cost, but it has been worth every penny. The end result of the last five years of therapy is that I am doing very well at work and in my personal life. I am on my way to stopping medication for the first time in 16 years.

My current therapist is also a psychiatrist, which means he prescribes my medication. I also believe that this has been crucial to my recovery. He has seen me on good days and bad days and everything in between, which is much more than I can say for the psychiatrists that I saw during the 15-minute med-check sessions where I would be asked if I was eating, sleeping, or having thoughts of harming myself. If my answers were yes-yes-no, I was on my way with more prescriptions. Any questions about whether I'd have to stay on the medication were met with a vehement "Yes!", and I think that in itself made me more depressed.

I thank my lucky stars that I made the decision I did and found the therapist that I did.

Suggested Reading: "Healing The Soul in the Age of the Brain" by Elio Frattarolli (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/de ... 0140254897)

[Frootsy Collins]

I appreciate that advice a lot. I began therapy last week, and I finished my second session today. The first one went really well, and I was able to share a lot. However, the first question my therapist asked during the second session was "what was your father like?", which is fine except for the fact that I spent pretty much the entire first session talking about my father, leading me to believe that she didn't remember anything from the first session.

Is this a sign that I should find another therapist? She seems nice enough, but I felt kind of hurt that the problems that mean so much to me aren't worth remembering for her, and frustrated that I had to explain all of that shit again. Would I be too optimistic to think that she did this on purpose for some reason?

[Michigoose]

If you feel frustrated that she's asking you about something you already discussed, I'd say so. Therapy is essentially a relationship between two people -- even though one person has a degree on the wall. You may be the one who is asking for help, but that doesn't mean that all of your instincts are wrong. The only way to find out if she has a special reason for asking about that again is to ask. If nothing else, you'll find out how this therapist handles getting input from you.

Good luck!

[Ipsis]

Hello guys, I've been in and out of therapy for the last 20 years or so and had four different therapists. I agree with Michigoose that "therapy with the right therapist can be one of the most important investments you ever make", I'm still in search of the right therapist for me, but I found the process itself very useful (when you are in therapy, you naturally tend to be more aware of yourself and the world). I think I would have taken more from my experience with therapy if someone had given me this very basic advice: you go to therapy to work and work hard on yourself, and the process could be painful and arduous. Don't expect your therapist to do all the work, it's your work, and your responsibility for your life. If you therapist is not helping in your quest, find another one.

For me the most difficult part was to keep the focus in therapy, both for me and for the therapist. As MIchi said, it's very easy to fall into the circle of feeling bad about yourself and the therapist just nodding in agreement.

Oh, I never heard of forcing the patient to repeat most part of what was said in the last session as some kind of technique...

[dare i say it]

I second what Michigoose and Ipsis said about how to handle therapy. Every word of it.

[manuel_moe_g]

My current therapist really pushes me to be a person who has a rewarding life.

Man, I am so envious. I have zero confidence that I could find a therapist like that. I associate going to a therapist with feeling overwhelmed because now my schedule is even more taxed, and feeling like a fool because I leave in a state where it is more or less guaranteed that I will not take loving steps to help myself before the next session and I will feel like a failure.

[dare i say it]

I just found this site and it made me think of this forum thread.
http://www.metanoia.org/choose/
For anyone who's thinking about going to see a therapist, this article does a nice job of letting you know what to expect and how to make the experience helpful. It's unbiased. All the advice seems really solid. It's stuff I wish I had known a long time ago.