feel like a failure

[manuel_moe_g]

joints hurt, my hands hurt from arthritis

the skin behind my ears is coming off from psoriasis http://www.psorinfo.com/Locations.aspx?ID=80

my energy level is low, it is so much effort just to shower

last night I had many dreams of sleep paralysis

I am fat

it will get better, but I wish I didn't feel so sad now

[shanarchy]

(((((((manuel)))))))
I haven't been on the forum in a while.
I'm sorry your feeling down.
Sending you a hug.

[fifthsonata]

"it will get better"

That....that was amazing to read. Even when it hurts, you know it can get better.

[weary]

it will get better, but I wish I didn't feel so sad now

I agree with fifthsonata. Your ability to validate and experience and own the shitty feelings while still mindfully keeping the perspective that they are temporary is awe-inspiring. I wish that I could do that 1/10th as well as you can.

That said, it sounds like you were having a rotten day yesterday and felt like crap. I'm sorry to hear about that - I am wishing good things for you and I appreciate and value who you are and what you bring to life. Your self-awareness and self-compassion and your willingness to be honest and authentic are really great qualities that serve you well and positively impact me along with many others on here. In that way you are as far from a failure as anyone could be in my book.

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks shanarchy, fifthsonata, weary!

I am having a dip in mood. I have been actively fighting this since my breakdown at age 25, and I am 43 now. I have so many techniques I can always keep plugging away - but sometimes I wish I could just fall apart like I used to, and just lay in bed and drift in and out of consciousness for days.

I took a walk around the block, and that has already helped me. No dreams of sleep paralysis last night, which is good.

My joints hurt less. My steroid creme worked as well as it can, I don't use it everyday, I use pine tar soap for everyday skincare.

Oh how I dream of weighing less than 260 lbs. I wish I could carve off 40 pounds with a knife, but I realize that is not how it works. Even if I never go below 260 lbs, I am eating better and exercising more and I can actually do a real sit up. Eating healthier and sustaining a level of activity is more important than any particular number on the scale. But I still feel so damn fat. I hover around a 40 and 42 inch waist. I hate exercise - I pick the exercise that doesn't leave me bored and that doesn't cause pain. I am a sissy when it comes to exercise.

My human relations are so difficult for me, on the outside I am too intense and awkward and creepy and intimidating, and on the inside I feel shy and weak and vulnerable - the worst combination.

I can't believe how low my standards are for myself. It is difficult for me to live because of depression and anxiety.

It is hopeless, but I keep moving forward slowly. That is a kind of hope, I guess.

[fifthsonata]

Dude - the lazy nerd exercise:

You need:

1 treadmill, bike, or cardiovascular equipment of your choice (new or used)
1 tv or electronic device

1) Stand on treadmill, sit on bike, or prep on machine
2) Turn on electronic device and find reddit, buzzfeed, or whatever site entertains you.
3) Engage body on machine
4) Find balance with electronic device
5) Look at cats on internet and move limbs


The end

I scored a bike on craigslist for $10, and I sit on my bike near my laptop. I pedal and look at cats. It works.

[marcusfreestone]

manuel_moe_g I really relate to all that. I have chronic pain in my hands, which being a writer is a bloody nuisance. My eczema has been bad for ages because I'm smoking and not showering/looking after my skin. Today I spent 18 hours in bed and thought about nothing. It was great, but as soon as I got up I felt dirty, too tired/skin too sore to shower. My kitchen is a mess, I haven't washed up for a week, there's rotten food on plates everywhere I have hardly any clean clothes or bedding. Everything just seems so much of a fucking effort I can't be bothered to do anything except crawl up the road to the supermarket for more booze, cigarettes and fatty snacks. I don't even feel like I exist most of the time, I have so little interaction with the world and other people - a lot of that interaction is so negative I feel better when I just hide in my cave by myself.

I also feel like a failure because I've been writing since I was 16 (now I'm 42) and have earned almost no money at it although I Know I'm talented enough to. I've spent the last four years uploading my music, books and comedy to the web and have done all I can with profiles and promotion and still nobody seems interested, not even my few real friends. I wrote 2 novels last year of which I'm very proud and I've published 10 books and sold a total of 19 copies. I've just edited and uploaded a second episode of my comedy podcast, I constantly release music which I think is really good but nobody cares. I'm working on the 4th novel in a series at the moment but I keep thinking 'Why am I fucking bothering, nobody is ever going to read it?'.

[manuel_moe_g]

Keep creating. If you stop creating, marcusfreestone, the whole universe will be dimmer and duller. You owe it to the whole universe to keep creating.

[marcusfreestone]

Wow, thanks, man, that's amazingly generous of you when you're feeling so shit yourself. I've felt since i was 7 that being creative is what I'm alive for. Fortunately a 3 hour nap today somehow reset my brain and I feel perfectly fine now. Had a good day uploading second episode of my comedy podcast and doing general internet stuff and a bit of music. I also cleaned my kitchen!!!