An attempt at honesty

[marcusfreestone]

It's 4.30 am and I got up at midnight. In 3 days I turn 42 (and being a huge Douglas Adams fan I've been really looking forward to it). Now I want to curl up in a ball and drink and smoke myself into oblivion. After yet another hideous argument that lead to me having what my girlfriend calls 'your dark eyes' I've realised that we can't be together anymore (I have depression and she's bi-polar). We've been planning to get married but now it's all turned to shit. I'm momentarily distracted by all those moving emoticons on the side so I've magnified by screen to to get rid of them - I don't want to be reminded of any emotions at the moment cos I can't bare to feel any of them. I can feel the beginnings of gut-wrenching heartache at the end of my dreams but I can't go there at the moment because I have no alcohol here to cushion the feelings.

Now for the honesty bit. I've had hundreds of suicidal moods over the years but always been too phobic about pain to do anything about them. In recent months I've been able to visualise myself taking all my pills at once, even slashing my wrists. Thinking about death has always been an abtract thing for me cos deep down I knew I would never actually go through with it but now I feel that I COULD and that one day soon I actually MIGHT. So now I'm forced to be honest with myself and decide once and for all WHETHER OR NOT I WANT TO GO ON LIVING.

There's so much I would miss. Even now when I feel utterly awful I'm listening to music and getting some small pleasure out of it. Although I can't write when I'm depressed (ok, I'm writing this, but I mean working on my novels) I can still make music and that's the most fun thing I've ever done in my life. The one thing that's always kept me going is he chance that I could one day achieve my ultimate dream - earning a living from my writing, music and comedy. I don't want to be rich and famous, just earn enough to pay the rent and bills and live my quiet little life and pursue my creative ambitions. Since I began self publishing my books I have sold a very small number but it feels good. I've had 11,000 downloads of my free book 'Positive Thinking and The Meaning of Life' and some nice comments on it and that feels really good.

Whatever awfulness I have to go through in the immediate future, I'm very happy being on my own and now feel that it is a realistic possibility that I can actually make it and live the life I've always wanted since I was 7. Oh, I appear to have answered my own question: OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO DIE

So, the next question is, where now? How do I live my life, keep myself going and cope with all the shit I feel from my depression, chronic pain, insomnia and eczema? Well, based on how much better I've begun to feel during the last few minutes, writing a diary on here seems to be one of the things I should do. Even though I'm a writer I've never really seen the point of blogging but maybe on this forum I've found my audience (my fellow fucked-up people!). I will try to write on here every day for a while and see how it goes and how I feel about how it goes. I will also try to be painfully honest with myself, something I studiously avoid every day of my life. It's worked today so I'll force myself to be honest with myself (and anyone who reads this) at least once a day.

Thank you, Paul, for the podcast and this forum. Most medical treatment I've had has been worse than useless but this whole thing you've created is amazingly useful for me.

Right then, I'm going to get up off my sofa, dust myself down, make a cup of tea and then go for a walk in the pouring rain. I love going out when there's nobody around and it's dark and quiet. Hopefully I'll feel up to doing some writing later. I've just thought of a brilliant title for my latest novel and can't wait to finish it and get it out there. HOW COULD I HAVE SERIOUSLY THOUGHT OF ENDING MY LIFE WHEN I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR??? Oh yes, it's my depression fucking with my head again...

[manuel_moe_g]

I have chronic pain and eczema too, besides depression and anxiety, so I am looking forward to reading your posts, marcusfreestone. All the best, cheers!

[oak]

Hey thanks for posting.

I am glad you are willing to be so honest.

I can offer my thoughts, which you are welcome to take or leave.

If you are feeling suicidal, please call or email one of the following:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_su ... isis_lines

As far as the alcohol, it is my humble opinion and experience that alcohol clouds the brain and the mind. Specifically, it took 6 months to 1.5 years of not drinking for the cobwebs to be cleared from my emotional brain/mind. What I am getting at, inelegantly, is that a mind soaked in alcohol can't make a sound decision about alcohol. Again, that is just my opinion.

Though I am not an AA man (though they were founded in my hometown), I highly suggest you give them a call when you struggle with alcohol. I happen to be straightedge. It is not that AA is better than straightedge or vice versa: it is just that when things are bad, it is "any port in a storm". That is, even something that is dumb and stupid but gets you sober is neither dumb nor stupid (assuming sobriety is one's goal).

As far as your writing career, I encourage you to have a good, hard, deep conversation with your mentor. I encourage you to really explore the differences and similarities of "vocation" and "avocation".

[marcusfreestone]

Thanks for the replies, I feel a lot better now. While I'm very sad about the end of my relationship and the future we're now not going to have together, I feel better within myself now that the stress of trying to make it work has been lifted from me. We still see each other and I'm sure we'll be back on good terms very soon (having been friends for 20 years before we got together).

I've sold 2 books in Australia this week, a new territory for me, and there are a few positive things happening regarding the distribution of my music and books which make me hopeful for the future and the continued slow building of my career.

Writing the first post helped me a huge amount. A few hours later, the little demon in my head that fucks me up and tries to destroy me and everything good in my life surfaced and tried to stop my recovery, telling me that I should remain depressed. I gleefully cast him out, which I'm sure anyone on this forum will know is a HUGE victory I did it yesterday and will remember that next time the evil bastard pops up his head (in my head).

Tomorrow will be a significant test. While I've enjoyed my last 3 birthdays, most of them have been unbearable. On my 37th I came very close to killing myself. I have no plans to see anyone (was going to have lunch with my girlfriend...) but I'm seeing one of my closest friends tonight for a few drinks and he always makes me laugh with his stories of work and the odd people he encounters. I've no idea what I will do on my 42nd birthday, but I WON'T be sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I shall go for a nice long walk in the promised sunshine and have a good think about my future and how I can continue to improve my life and my mental wellbeing.

[oak]

You're going to make it. Hang in there.

[marcusfreestone]

Well, here I am, my 42nd birthday. I'm not depressed but I feel absolutely nothing. Sometimes birthday or xmas is just like that for me. Spending the day alone as I usually do (I have no family at all) with some food and a few ales . Currently listening to podcast episode 153 which is raising a few welcome laughs. I guess I've cursed myself by EXPECTING this to be a special birthday and therefore it isn't, QED. But I had a great night last night with a friend and I'm alive and relatively well off in a global context. I'm not going to recover from recent emotional trauma overnight so I just have to be patient. I've just done some research for my latest novel which feels good and will give me a springboard to hopefully get back into some serious and prolonged writing within the next few days.

Off for a little walk now with my headphones. I hope I will have something more interesting to write tomorrow but at the moment I just feel tired and numb. Still, that's a lot better than thinking about pills and razor blades. I wish my girlfriend was here to give me a cuddle and a smile.

[marcusfreestone]

Thankfully feeling A LOT better than last post. Wrote 3000 words of my latest novel yesterday, great to be back doing what I'm supposed to be and love doing.

[manuel_moe_g]

Wrote 3000 words of my latest novel yesterday, great to be back doing what I'm supposed to be and love doing.

Awesome!

[marcusfreestone]

Not quite sure what's going on in my brain this week. Felt really shitty first few days, then a 2 hour lunchtime nap seemed to reset my brain in some way and then I felt great. However, I find myself pondering on the fact that there is still a lot of shit from my childhood that keeps coming back to me in memories and dreams. I had psychotherapy and counselling many years ago and it all made me feel a lot worse but I have to see my doctor next week for a new prescription so I'm going to ask if there's anything better on offer now. Trouble is, I don't trust any therapist who has never had depression themselves (cos that's the only way you can understand) but you can hardly vet them, can you? Despite an appalling lack of sleep I am at least getting some things done with redesigning my website etc, although I've had to start using a walking stick again WHICH I HATE. Still, least I can get about by myself and wipe my own arse so that's something to be cheerful about

Oh yes, at the risk of being annoying by plugging something, I have a free ebook called 'Positive Thinking and The Meaning of Life' which has had almost 12,000 downloads and some nice comments. It's fairly short and contains a lot of information about various courses I've done, such as 'Fear Busting'. You guys might find it useful, so here it is:

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/357610

[Mr.Chimney]

Can I just chime in and say that the idea of a guy walking with a stick through the streets of Cardiff on a foggy evening is an awesome image?

Glad you're getting the writing juices going. Thanks for the book, man!