Cousin who touched me inappropriately when we were kids

[ghostmouse]

This started elsewhere on the internet, but I'm bringing it here. I was commiserating with somebody else whose cousins are all getting married, but I decided it was unfair to dive-bomb that thread with this kind of issue because I didn't want it to seem like I was minimizing the OP's feelings around her cousin's wedding, but I do feel like I need somewhere I can just lay this out. So the part in italics is what I posted in the other forum, and then it gets into the stuff about what happened when we were kids and the effect it's had on me.

I can relate. I'm one of 9 cousins on one side of my family, and in September the last of them besides me and my brother is getting married. Even though I don't especially want marriage, it's a weird marker that makes me feel behind, and more anxious about the milestones I *do* want: financial stability, getting published, fulfilling a clear role in my community...

I guess it just makes me feel like once we get all these weddings out of the way the whole family is going to suddenly notice (as if they haven't already) what a fuckup I am.

It also doesn't help that the cousin about to get married is the one who touched me inappropriately when we were kids, and the fact that he's always been incredibly successful while I've been a total failure has always brought up a lot of gross feelings around that. I've done a lot of processing over the years; being around him generally is not a problem and I feel like our relationship is pretty great considering. The feelings definitely aren't as bad as they have been around his academic/career success, but I know parts of the wedding are going to be really hard for me, having a whole family weekend focused on this complex person in my life. I'm really happy for him and his fiancee and I don't hold what happened against his adult self (I doubt he even remembers it), but it does still bring up feelings, and having to act relatively normal because nobody else knows about the incident kind of makes it worse (although I've concluded that having anybody in the family know about it at this point would definitely be worse worse). I think it's also extra weird because it will be a quaker ceremony, which is a really intense participatory thing where everybody stares at each other because anybody could get up to speak at any time, and if I'm still in this depressive funk I don't know how I'm going to make it through without a lot of crying beyond the "oh it's so beautiful" mark. I don't want to fuck up the day for them, or draw attention to myself. Except perversely I'm praying I have book news to share by then, so I can at least play the role of the bright artistic cousin at the reception.

[manuel_moe_g]

Good luck to you, ghostmouse. You are not a fuck-up. Please be loving to yourself, you deserve it.

[ghostmouse]

I'm in that weird state where I just kind of resent anybody saying anything nice about me. How come they get to like me? I don't get to like me, goddamnit. Not fair.

But thank you.

[ghostmouse]

The wedding is getting closer and I'm stressing out about this again. For a brief shining moment it looked like I might be able to skip the ceremony altogether by volunteering for childcare duty, but everybody involved in that decision has been like, "oh no, wouldn't want you to miss the ceremony!!" and there's really no polite way for me to be like "can I PLEASE miss the ceremony? for the common good?"

Also my mother kind of made it sound like my cousin is pretty much expecting me to *speak* during the ceremony. Sooo that makes me feel even more uncomfortable about being there, because I'm definitely not going to.

idk, one of those grin and bear it things, I guess. I'm just so not looking forward to this.

[manuel_moe_g]

Take care, ghostmouse. I hate how they are pushing you around. You are not a prop. All the best to you, we here are cheering for you.

[ghostmouse]

I don't feel pushed exactly. It's more just frustration that these feelings are threatening to get in the way of what should be a really lovely weekend with family before I go away.

Anyway, the magic of a Quaker ceremony is that cuz can hope I'll say something lovely all he wants (if he even is, and that's not just my mother filtering her thoughts thru him), but at the end of the day that's between me and the Spirit. (Which is also why it's technically wrong of me to be determined in advance to say nothing, but eh, we already know I'm from the Bad Friend side of the family.)

Just trying to get all this angst out in advance. My biggest problem right now is not trusting my emotional reactions not to make things gross. But that's nothing new.

[manuel_moe_g]

You rule, ghostmouse!

[ghostmouse]

Thanks so much for your support, Manuel. It helps a lot to have a place I can just come out and say "this happened and it messed with my head" without it messing with anybody else's head in my family.

One of the things I've noticed I'm doing is getting really invested in all the little family dramas that naturally flare up around a wedding (normally not my thing). So far it feels like a preferable distraction from dwelling on old resentment towards this cousin, but I'm keeping an eye on myself that I'm not just pouring that resentment into these other issues.

[these_are_kolaches]

Hey ghostmouse, check out my post - we have similar differences:)
http://mentalpod.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=41&t=9908

Having someone in your life/family that you love as family but have bad/mixed feelings about for this is so very hard to deal with every day.