Do I Want to Get Better?

[SonicCat24]

I'm 29 and have suffered from Anxiety/Depression for over 10 years now. I am constantly tired and do not take proper care of myself. Reading over journal entries from the past decade I see the trend of me spiraling down a hole of self-sabotage for a week or so and then have 1-2 days of "I need to get my life together" type mentality. Then the bottom drops out again. 10+ years of this has really taken a toll on me physically and mentally. Add to this that my wife and I just recently separated and there are a ton of emotions connected with that ongoing saga. I have been seeing a therapist for about a year and it does give me a life for about the 10 hours after seeing her but then I lose it again. I've been on/off of meds and, most recently, experienced really bad suicidal thoughts on Zoloft so I had to wean myself off of them.

The biggest problem I face is getting the sustained energy to fight these demons of mine. I know that recovery would give me the energy but in order to recover, I need energy. 'Tis a cruel, cruel life. As I look back on all of my failed attempts to get better, I got to thinking, "Do I want to get better?" I've become so uncomfortably comfortable (if that makes sense) in all of my habits, thought processes, etc that maybe, at this point, I'm not being honest with myself in terms of wanting to get better. By all superficial standards, I'm succeeding in life. I have a good job, good friends, no debt, and a nice condo. I feel I could maintain these things for the next 40 years and that would be a success. But the miserable, helpless feelings I have day in and day out are so heavy they trump any of these superficial accomplishments. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe to see if anybody else has had these thoughts/feelings. If so, how did you deal with them? Thank you so much for reading this.

B

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello SonicCat24. You want to get better, and you ARE getting better, it is just a slow process, with many slips and falls between the progress. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Take care, all the best, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[SonicCat24]

Thank you, Manuel. Your post lifted me up a bit.

[judasiscariotjr]

Trying to change years of behavior takes years, it is frustrating a lot of the time but it is important to give yourself credit for the changes you have made. Keep going to therapy, keep trying meds until you find one that works for you. You ARE doing the work. You have the will to get better. Improvement will come in time and maybe so slowly that you barley notice.

[anymomentinthewoods]

SonicCat24, I'm sorry that you're having so much trouble. It seems like you have a lot going on right now in your head and in your life and I'm sending you a big hug. I definitely have time where I wonder whether I want to feel better and where doing what I need to do is so hard. Try to give yourself a little break, you are trying the best that you can and things definitely take time. I hope you find some peace and that things get better and manageable for you.

[Syuni]

I understand the feeling of not knowing whether you even want to get better. When you're depressed for so long, that's what you know. The non-depression world is scary and doesn't feel natural. But you're going in the right direction of feeling better, and the longer time in between your depression episodes, the more comfortable you'll feel with the non-depression world. You'll slip back from time to time, but you've already made the right steps and if you continue you'll improve. It takes time to change life how you know it, don't ever feel frustrated about how long it takes. You're worth the effort!

[SonicCat24]

Thank you so much for the encouraging words. It really helps!

B