Suicide just seems easier (TW)

[Ziggy]

All that got me through high school was the thought that things had to get better once I graduated. Now it's been almost six months, I moved across the country, I started university, some things are way better but my mental health isn't one of them.

I was so attached to the idea that becoming independent was the solution that now I'm frustrated and alone. I've been dealing with symptoms for more than 4 years but I've never received any meaningful treatment or gotten any kind of diagnosis. I suffer from extreme mood swings (from self confident euphoria to suicidal depression within the space of hours or days), disordered eating, self harm and suicidal ideation, anxiety, and probably other stuff I don't have terms for. Logically I know these things aren't healthy or "normal", but I've never been taken seriously and I'm scared to seek help because it doesn't seem like I fit cleanly into any particular diagnosis.

I've tried some counselling and talk therapy and though it was helpful in the short term, it didn't improve my mood swings (which I believe are the main issue). The reason I self harm and control my eating is to try to cope with my emotions, but in the past when I was sent to counsellors the focus was on getting me to eat like a normal person and stop cutting myself. That just makes me more suicidal, because I have no way to numb the pain.

There are nurses and other resources available through my university and I'm planning to go talk to someone, but it's hard. The office is difficult to find, it's always busy, when I'm depressed it feels unsafe for me to take the metro because the urge to jump on the tracks is so strong. The only time I'm up to going is when I'm on an upswing, but then I feel on top of the world and it seems pointless to get help (plus I don't want to lose the euphoria).

I have absolutely no support system, all my friends either don't know or are sick of me constantly talking about offing myself. At this point they don't think I'm serious, I wish they could see that I've honestly been on the edge of death for years.

I'm also paranoid about my parents finding out that I was seeking help, they've been very unsupportive of my mental health. They don't believe mental illness exists, and when they found out about my self harm all they cared about was how much I was "hurting them". If they find out I'm worried they'll make me move back home to that toxic environment. I'm legally an adult now but I'm still attached to their health insurance.

Finally I'm worried about getting diagnosed with BPD. Counsellors have brought it up as a possibility in the past, and though I think it might be the right diagnosis I'm terrified of the stigma and long road to recovery. I'd rather stay in denial or hope to get diagnosed with depression or bipolar. I know a lot of people with borderline can be lovely but I've heard so many horror stories and I'd rather die than become an abuser. I feel so much guilt for the pain I've already caused.

Suicide seems easier at this point than navigating this road. I'm falling behind in school, I'm stressed about money, I'm paranoid about treatment, but I know if I don't do something I will end up dead. Last night I was closer than I have been in years. I'm just scared guys, this is scary stuff. I'm still a kid, it's not fair.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello Ziggy,

I'm just scared guys, this is scary stuff. I'm still a kid, it's not fair.

We just want you to know that we think it is unfair too, and we know you deserve better.

Whatever your diagnosis, you remain a human being, not just a diagnosis. You are a human being with tremendous intrinsic self-worth.

I'm scared to seek help because it doesn't seem like I fit cleanly into any particular diagnosis.

Please seek help. Your greatest tomorrow depends on you seeking help. Please do it for us and do it for you.

Please take care. You deserve self-love. You are significant and worthy.

[oak]

Hey! Thanks for posting.

As always, Manuel Moe offers excellent encouragement. He is so kind.

I am sorry you are in such pain. I hope things get better.

Just so I am clear, here are issues I've noticed you self identified as struggling with:

Mood swings (you say this is a main problem)
Disordered eating
Self harm
Suicidal ideation
Support system lack
Parental "shame" about mental health (see below)
Fear about being diagnosed with BPD

I type this out not to shame you, but to get everything out. "We are only as sick as our secrets". Remember what Mister Rogers said: "Anything mentionable is manageable".

(btw, I admire your honesty and boldness for posting here. It is my humble guess that you have more internal resources than you may imagine. Posting here is a big big step.)

I can't/won't offer you any advice, but I can offer some perspectives, which you are welcome to take or leave.

First up, a diagnosis of BPD may not be so terrible. "Bipolar disorder" is a constructed idea that is convenient and useful to the degree that it accurately describes a certain range of behaviors within a specific time period of one of many identities and activities that create the whole person that is you. In other words, there is no objective, tangible reality in the universe called "BPD". Scientists and stuff made up that word. It may describe you, certain aspects of you at specific times, but not the totality of you being. Should you wish to disprove me, please take a picture of BPD, post it here, and I will gladly publicly take that back.

And let's say they diagnose you with BPD (which is by no means guaranteed). While not a cause for celebration, it would let you know exactly where you stand. More importantly, it would give you a place to move forward from.

I have worked in higher education, so I know that many/most of the people there are just there for a paycheck. However, a small percent is there because they want to help you. If that is 5%, then I hope you find that person. If you are contemplating suicide there are people who want to help. You say that the office you tried was busy. I see. Oftentimes it helps to find an ally, someone who can cut through the red tape. I suggest you walk up to the following people, tell them what you told us, and keep telling people until someone cares: Resident Director, Health and Wellness (sometimes called "Health Promotion" btw they know about disordered eating and self harm), Greek Life director, NCAA compliance officer, campus minister (any religion). But you say you aren't in the dorms, Greek, an athlete, or religious? At this point it doesn't matter.

If you are feeling really bad, you can try talking to your Resident Assistant, campus police, academic advisor, career services. Heck, if you know someone who is kind at Food Services, go talk to them. Parking services.

It may take 2 or 3 people to find someone who cares. It may be the first. Or the fourteenth. But someone is at your campus who will care. I know it.

As far as the self-reported "shame" that your parents claim, um that is my hobby horse. While I never want to put words into your mouth, many "traditional" people fondly remember "how things were done" in "the old country". Everyday, natural events such as:

men crying
men showing emotion and love
getting mental health counseling and therapy
same sex attraction
women owning their sexual desire


were all supposedly swept under the rug. Supposedly.

Again, I am not saying this is your experience at all. Oftentimes I have observed antipathy to therapy as contrary to the stated values and supposed practices of "how things are done", usually "in the old country". Followed up of course by equally pious claims that: "[other ethnic group] doesn't live by their standards, but we [our ethnic group] does". Then, right according to the script comes the shame.

If none of that applies to you, please forgive me. It is my hobby horse.

As far as your parents finding out, no therapist or counselor would ever tell. Never. Unless they want to lose their job or the courts tell them to, and both are vanishingly rare.

As far as support network and weary friends: you may not like what I have to offer, but here goes: to have a friend you have to be a friend. Oftentimes the best way to find help with any issue is to help someone with the same issue. So if you want some healing regarding disordered eating (for example), a great way to do it is to listen patiently to a friend who is struggling with disordered eating. If need be, drive them to the emergency room. If it is an outpatient visit, be there when your friend is discharged.

All this is a long way of saying that you have options. You have difficulties. Fairly serious ones, by your own admission. I am not sure what you should do, other than what you did here: keep telling people until someone cares.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[ArmyOfMe80]

All that got me through high school was the thought that things had to get better once I graduated. Now it's been almost six months, I moved across the country, I started university, some things are way better but my mental health isn't one of them.

The first step toward joy and happiness, is ironically, to let go of the idea that those things are a "destination."

I was so attached to the idea that becoming independent was the solution that now I'm frustrated and alone. I've been dealing with symptoms for more than 4 years but I've never received any meaningful treatment or gotten any kind of diagnosis. I suffer from extreme mood swings (from self confident euphoria to suicidal depression within the space of hours or days), disordered eating, self harm and suicidal ideation, anxiety, and probably other stuff I don't have terms for. Logically I know these things aren't healthy or "normal", but I've never been taken seriously and I'm scared to seek help because it doesn't seem like I fit cleanly into any particular diagnosis.

If you DO go to seek help, be upfront about what you are looking for. Say exactly what you're saying here. List all of the things you just listed and say, "I've never been taken seriously in the past, and I was afraid to seek help because I don't seem to fit cleanly into any one particular diagnosis. So that is why I am here. I want someone to help me make sense of all of this and tell me what you believe I have."

And here's another thing.... Go with your gut on the diagnosis you are given, if you do seek professional help. Don't be afraid to ask for second or third opinions.

I've tried some counselling and talk therapy and though it was helpful in the short term, it didn't improve my mood swings (which I believe are the main issue). The reason I self harm and control my eating is to try to cope with my emotions, but in the past when I was sent to counsellors the focus was on getting me to eat like a normal person and stop cutting myself. That just makes me more suicidal, because I have no way to numb the pain.

Someone who really knows what they are doing would help you find alternate ways to cope. When looking for a professional(s), inquire about their method, and make that one of your questions. "What would you suggest to me to do instead of cutting or controlling my eating?"

There are nurses and other resources available through my university and I'm planning to go talk to someone, but it's hard. The office is difficult to find, it's always busy, when I'm depressed it feels unsafe for me to take the metro because the urge to jump on the tracks is so strong. The only time I'm up to going is when I'm on an upswing, but then I feel on top of the world and it seems pointless to get help (plus I don't want to lose the euphoria).

Baby steps. Change, "I am going to take the metro, go to this office, wait, make an appointment, get help, get this thing started...." Whew.
Instead say.... "I am going to call and ask the receptionist how to navigate the building when I get there." Then have a pad and pencil prepared to write down what she says. And if that's all you have energy to do that day or for the rest of the week, oh well. Leave it alone for a while.
Then when you're up to it, take the next step. Say, "On my next really good mood day, I am going to take the metro, and go to this office." Don't do it with the idea that by going to that office, you're solving all your problems that day. Think of it like, "I am feeling amazing today. And what better day to take the first step toward my recovery than going down to that office this morning?" You're just going down and making an appointment/finding out what it's all about. No big deal.

I have absolutely no support system, all my friends either don't know or are sick of me constantly talking about offing myself. At this point they don't think I'm serious, I wish they could see that I've honestly been on the edge of death for years.

I'm also paranoid about my parents finding out that I was seeking help, they've been very unsupportive of my mental health. They don't believe mental illness exists, and when they found out about my self harm all they cared about was how much I was "hurting them". If they find out I'm worried they'll make me move back home to that toxic environment. I'm legally an adult now but I'm still attached to their health insurance.

Do you know the spiritual teacher Bashar? (Note: I am very spiritual, and a huge believer in vibration, law of attraction, and all that.) One of his quotes that I always go to whenever I am very sad, depressed, suicidal, or angry and cannot see the silver lining in ANYTHING is this: "You cannot perceive what you are not the vibration of." Try and remember that. What it means is this: all the joy in the world is literally not going to be VISIBLE or ACCESSIBLE to you when you are in a negative state of mind and feeling. It's the absolute truth. And to you, it will literally seem like it's just not there. Two minutes before Robin Williams took his life, he probably could've saw a beautiful double rainbow outside his window and felt nothing or looked out the window and flat out not even noticed it!!! Yet, someone who was full of joy in that moment would've noticed it, made a huge deal about it, and it would've made their entire morning.

So when I am very depressed, I just try to remember that even if I can't feel it or see it in that moment, the joy is there, and I just don't have access to it. The ego is clever though. Sometimes, my ego and the depression will literally convince me that "Joy is just not for me in this lifetime." LOL
BULLSHIT. I'm feeling good today, and I realize this, and that's why I am able to share them with you. But these things..... these coping mechanisms I have.... I literally have to write them down and remember to look at them when I am down in the dumps... or else I won't remember them. And at the top of those papers I have in bold letters: "Your Brain Does Not Want You To Believe Or Remember The Truth. That Is Why You Must Read This."

That is sort of the cruel joke of depression. It's the law of attraction. You will only find yourself around people in a similar state. The people and things that can make you feel better aren't available to you, because you are not of the same vibration. And yet, you need them. So hmm, what do we do? Remember that you do have family and friends who truly love you and care about you. You just feel like you don't. When you are depressed, you will perceive it as personal. That people are against you, or don't love you, or don't want to help you. (Hopefully, you will be in a hopeful enough state to read and really notice these responses in this thread.)

This is true, because how do you explain all the popular people with loving family and friends who speak so highly of them after they die? Like the loved ones of Robin Williams, for example. He wasn't in a state of mind to receive or perceive how deeply he was loved. Depression is a horrible disease that makes works to make you believe anything BUT love and joy - that people don't love you, that people would be better off without you, blah blah blah blah blah. Notice how it never tells you how wonderful and valuable you are? Weird, huh? Depression is kind of a broken record that way.

Finally I'm worried about getting diagnosed with BPD. Counsellors have brought it up as a possibility in the past, and though I think it might be the right diagnosis I'm terrified of the stigma and long road to recovery. I'd rather stay in denial or hope to get diagnosed with depression or bipolar. I know a lot of people with borderline can be lovely but I've heard so many horror stories and I'd rather die than become an abuser. I feel so much guilt for the pain I've already caused.

((HUG)) In a depressed state, getting up and getting dressed is daunting sometimes, let alone all of THAT. It's okay. Don't beat yourself up. All those overwhelming details can just get you down even more.

Suicide seems easier at this point than navigating this road. I'm falling behind in school, I'm stressed about money, I'm paranoid about treatment, but I know if I don't do something I will end up dead. Last night I was closer than I have been in years. I'm just scared guys, this is scary stuff. I'm still a kid, it's not fair.

Yeah I know... That is why it's appealing. Strange analogy, but go with it: Think of New York and California. Stress, sadness, everything that can go wrong, lovelessness, fear, anger - that's New York. Joy, happiness, hope, success, flow, excitement, love, and all the good things - that's California. Suicide is like snapping your fingers and magically arriving in California. All these detailed and seemingly monotonous steps to making yourself well is like taking a wagon to California from New York in 1865. Like, how in the hell would you even do that? Some of it is daunting, undeveloped territory.

That is why you need to let go of the illusion that joy and relief is a destination and that suicide is the magic spell that is going to magically whisk you there. There are people that have everything in the world that you want and more and are miserable. There are people whose lives you would hate to have that are a lot happier. Depression does not discriminate.

Your main focus should be right now, especially in this state, is to seek help and focus on every little thing that brings our your joy, no matter what it is. Sniff it out. Make it a game throughout the day. Whatever happiness is for you. Milk it as much as possible. Example: I was listening to one of my Beatles songs this morning and kept re-playing this part of "Hello Goodbye" that I like. That wouldn't mean anything to anyone else. It's just a background vocal in the song that I really like. I had no one else in the room to please, no one whining they want to "hear the whole song once all the way through." So I replayed it about 10 times because it literally made me happy. (See how simple happiness can be? I don't mean anything grand, like get up, get dressed, go out tonight.) Get that momentum going and similar thoughts will follow. It is only in that happy state that you'll be able to perceive the best solutions for yourself. So if you feel overwhelmed and don't know what to do, get happy first. Somehow, someway. And it won't be rolled out like a blueprint, either. You'll just know the next step to take. And then the next, and then the next.

Love and hugs to you!! Hope some of this babble helped. It's what helps me.