I don't want to be happy because I don't want hypomania

[Sherlock]

Anyone else dealing with this?

I almost feel like my current depression is like stalling against hypomania. I'm avoiding things that really make me happy purposefully--like reading Sherlock Holmes, because I experienced hypomania once when trying to read all the stories. Sherlock Holmes gives me so much energy it can make me sweat, seriously.

I just hate the destructiveness of hypomania... I love the deep, warm sense of happiness that gives me calm, that sticks with me because it feels like love from the universe. I've experienced that in short bursts when it's not interrupted abruptly by anxiety or putting myself down. The hyperactivity of hypomania is only good if it spurs on something creative--otherwise it's useless, staying up all night and thinking thinking thinking.

But I'm also adhedonic, which means I'm also just plain not getting pleasure out of things that normally would. I'm watching a lot of DARK things to entertain myself--documentaries and horror/thriller movies are kind of my go-to right now. I watched like three or four Saw movies totally blank when before, I thought it was all torture porn--all the violent stuff was just like... seeing what I felt on the inside on screen, so I didn't register the pain in a bad way, it was like numbing.

I kind of want to know what happiness is like without that gust of energy that can switch on its heel to a weird anger. The content feeling, like where I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I should do, without being drunk to get that feeling.

Another hypomania thing: WRITING. I can write for hours--which means staying up late at night, when I should go to bed, struggling against sleepiness cuz I want all of this creativity out of me. It sucks because the next day I either think what I wrote was crap or my energy is so used up I can't continue it further.

Just wondering if anyone else gets this impression about themselves when they're depressed: mania can be great but it's so destructive in the form it takes with me that I don't want it. I just want energy and happiness, I don't want the destructiveness or the anger that can come with hypomanic episodes.

[Sherlock]

Also I'm not "officially" bipolar just as a JSYK--the psychotic break I describe in my profile was a manic one, with delusions, voices, hallucinations, dissassociation, etc. But INCREDIBLE euphoria and some incredible brain chemistry experiences.

I don't even know if I'm really bipolar because my psychiatrist is like "nah." I just feel like before I started seeking treatment (when I latched onto Sherlock Holmes as something to be interested in) I would get hypomanic, and I think even this year I had a day of being hypomanic over something really weird and little that had to do that psychotic break.

So I don't often feel mania or hypomania--it's like in short bursts or glimpses, not in any kind of regulatory fashion. It's mostly depression I have--and my anxiety has been lessened with pills. My sleep has been put back in order with pills. What my psychiatrist and I are trying to find, right now, is something effective for my lack of energy/focus/motivation that comes with depression, so I can get off my ass and do things that make me feel better or feel good.

What's not so great is this season has been so rough on me with money and family issues is that I've taken to drinking. I have no idea what kind of effect they have on me with my meds--my psychiatrist said "two glasses of wine" sternly, while I go the extra mile and drink more than that, partially to get to sleep and partially out of habit now. I have no idea if I'm now an alcoholic; I really like to drink because it inhibits nicotine craving, i.e., I can chain smoke very freely. I rarely drink without having a cigarette in hand--it's like take a few drags, drink when the throat is bothered, smoke whenever I feel like I have to. I rarely JUST drink alone without my cigarettes cuz I crave cigarettes so much when I drink. It also helps me to eat, I guess--the alcohol I mean. When I get depressed I don't want to eat; my stomach feels icky and eating is like a chore.

BLAH. I just feel like I've gone back on so much of my progress with this new drinking habit... and I have no idea if I'm an alcoholic or not because of that nicotine thing. I think to myself, "If I quit smoking, the drinking will probably lessen significantly to only social situations." And I HOPE that's true; I kind of want to take the month off I have from school to get off of nicotine with the tools I was given by my school to help. I guess that's what I have to do, to see if that is all the drinking or if I'm going to need a drink to get rid of the nicotine withdrawal (which, I feel, will probably just make the nicotine cravings worse, but I don't know what state of mind I'll be in while I'm recovering from nicotine withdrawal).

Sorry that was kind of unrelated... kind of.

[manuel_moe_g]

Please take care, Sherlock. You are so eloquent, I feel inadequate to reply to you. All the best.

[Sherlock]

Thank you manuel_moe_g... but I have to say, ANYTHING you say would be fine. I'm eloquent, I know that, but I absolutely listen to everyone--that's part of the eloquence. It comes from listening. I don't want anyone to hold back anything in fear that I think they're "stupid/dumb/whatever"--I absolutely put kindness above intellectualism. That's something new but something that came out of being mentally ill--realizing I felt stupid when I was psychotic and realizing "stupid" is so fucking relative to how you live.

Something I've thought about: so many of my friends dismiss things like "those people are stupid." To me it's like NO, those people are CRUEL. They are willfully ignorant at best but are so cruel, they don't want to seek out answers--they just want to posture themselves, feel good, not feel bad. Anyone who you think is stupid probably thinks YOU are stupid for whatever you're doing.

Kindness in the bridge: just listening to each other in whatever capacity you can. When you think you are smarter than them, holding back so you LISTEN to what they are saying. When you think you are dumber, listening to what the other has to say and having the bravery to put in your own view, as ineloquent or ignorant as it may sound tp you--because to them, it could be a revelation as to how other people feel and think.

Communication is huge. I really value other people's perspectives because I grew up without friends, and always curious as to what other people are thinking. It's a good and a bad thing, only bad because sometimes I just have to write people off as being selfish, ignorant, and cruel. That's always hard.

[CosM129]

Hello Sherlock

I know how you feel, I skip out on summer activities alot of times in fear of getting to high. This is In a climate of deep winter with little summer to get. (It doesn't matter if you have a diagnosis or not you don't have to explain that. )

Thank you so much for admitting how you get through this time I really can truly relate to your love of Sherlock and in my opinion only,
i would like to say there is nothing wrong with watching that kind of horror in movies etc. Listen i do the opposite i am a comedy fan
but i have always also had a dark side i have listened to metal, watched many many horror shows or t.v. ive seen SAW, i get you.

-If you want a little bit of advice don't worry so much..I have been through that so many times, i would like to state here that i liken what I do personally as self medicating that's all that it is. I worry when the things that i am doing become sour to me, that it feels wrong or obsessive, then i try to stop if possible, to me that is the time to worry not before, not when i am ill.

All of these things can be used as a tool to be there for you good or bad. I now have two internet tv providers and i feel really bummed out when i "use" up all of my episodes of a show and have to wait, binge watching is the best and lately i have watched many of the Sherlock Holmes shows in the television adaptation (U.K. of course and to my own horror i actually don't mind the American show( Why? no offense anyone) I am an Anglophile . that is also why i was drawn to writing to you don't be too upset it is all wonderful all of it books are fabulous but like i said only when it is a good tool for your health. If not, it will be there for you when your ready right?

anyhoo hope that helps. Cheers

[CosM129]

Hi Sherlock
I am a smoker, i dont drink. Hoping you can get that under control at least you recognize the problem. I didn't read everything
through before i replied, oops.- I have to quit but I don't know maybe look at addiction posts here? i am sure others are having similar problems.