My best is just holding on

[manuel_moe_g]

My best is just holding on. When I was young I never could have dreamed life would be this difficult to just get mundane things done. I am ashamed at how little I have accomplished with my life - my dreams of success haunt me.

My challenges have made me more compassionate, that is true. I am horrified to think how nasty and selfish I would be if my life was purely easy. All my challenges have smoothed over my selfishness.

Maybe it is for the best. I am just a jinglely-janglely mess of techniques to get through a day 5 minutes at a time. I am sad that my abstractness keeps everyone away at arm's distance. Maybe that will get better - but I don't know how.

[sdjustinr]

I'm sorry that you're struggling right now.

I think that you're right. Troubles temper our hearts and make us into more compassionate people. You are a thoughtful, caring individual who is an invaluable part of this community.

I know that when I get flustered the hardest but most necessary thing I can do for myself is allow myself some compassion and rest. But doing so means having to lay down my compulsions and bear, as you call them, the dreams of success and visions of a better self. Those visions are illusion, however - we deserve the love and attention that we give them. We are real. They are not.

I'm sending you virtual hugs Manuel. The abstract, jingly jangly mess of techniques that you say you are. Hope you feel better.

[rivergirl]

mmg, I just had to laugh at myself because I composed a terribly long reply to your post but am so low energy that I took too long, my login timed out, and I lost my post. This, after I read your post over a week ago but then lost my Internet access and couldn't get it together to figure out how to get it back until today. So perhaps I'm not the most inspiring person to reply! But the essence of what I wanted to say is that I'm sorry you were feeling bad about how much it can take just to maintain what seems to be so easy for "normal" people. I definitely relate to the feeling of just trying to tread water to stay afloat. I was wondering what dreams you wish you had achieved? And are they all really your dreams? I mourn for both kinds of dreams, but recently have been trying to let the society-driven dreams go, and that feels a little freeing. I feel like what I'm saying is a cliché and perhaps not all that helpful, so I'll just end by saying that your work helping Paul on the forum and responding to struggling people like me already makes you a success in my eyes (for what that's worth). rg

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks sdjustinr and rivergirl! I feel less alone because of your replies!

[weary]

Hey mmg.... I hear myself in so much of what you say. I have had a really crappy few weeks as well and despite a New Year, I feel old, dried up, emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted. The tank is on empty. And I am really, REALLY struggling with giving up on so many dreams/things that are important to me right now. So much that I am tearing up just writing this.

Know that I empathize with your pain. I respect you and the good things that you do for yourself and your family and the incredible example that you set for others on this board. I appreciate you pointing out how your challenges have made you a more compassionate person - I need to meditate on how I am a better person for the trials that I have faced and how those strengths will serve me well in the future. I am very afraid of being selfish (or being perceived as selfish) to the extent that my self-esteem and individual identity sometimes seem non-existent. I bully myself into submission before even giving anyone else a chance to.

Keep holding on... holding on is good enough (that's what I'm trying to tell myself, at least!)

[manuel_moe_g]

Thanks weary, I really appreciate it.

What is most painful is that my abstractness/non-human-behavior/avoidant-behavior keeps people away and I long for friendship on a daily basis. Or maybe I am being silly and childish, not adult like I should be.

Please don't bully yourself into not being selfish or even looking like you might be selfish. It is a cruel thing to do, and you wouldn't bully another person in such a way. Please take care, all the best.

[weary]

What is most painful is that my abstractness/non-human-behavior/avoidant-behavior keeps people away and I long for friendship on a daily basis.

Can you clarify what you mean by that? Do you mean that you are behaving in such a way that you robbing yourself of opportunities to interact with other people, or that when you interact with others, you perceive that your behaviors are turning them off? Or both?

Or maybe I am being silly and childish, not adult like I should be.

I struggle with this a lot. My therapist is of the mind that people with depression and anxiety NEED to be more childlike and playful and not take themselves or their world as seriously every moment of every day. It manifests a lot in my marriage. My wife and I can have fun and relax together, and the more silly and childlike the interaction the better. The conflict comes when we have to act like grownups, because I feel like most of the time I am the only one who does that and/or I have to persuade/trick her into acting like a grownup rather than be able to depend on her to be responsible of her own volition. But that's a topic for another thread, I'm afraid.

The key, so I'm told, is to find a balance between being a serious, responsible adult and a playful, silly grown-up child. And have it be authentic. Good luck, my friend.

[manuel_moe_g]

I consider you a friend, weary, so the end of your reply felt so good to me.

Do you mean that you are behaving in such a way that you robbing yourself of opportunities to interact with other people, or that when you interact with others, you perceive that your behaviors are turning them off? Or both?

Both. I have Aspergers and I feel alien and abstract, and I desperately want to connect. It seems that other people connect so easily.