I want to quit my job...

[Mads]

Hi all,

This is my first post and I really need some advice, if you all have any. I am seeing a therapist, but I'm going to be switching soon and I'm not sure if I should wait to quit so that my therapist gets to know me before giving me any advice or guidance. I'm mostly afraid that I want to quit for reasons that aren't really... real.

So, since I've consistently seen therapists (which is still on and off, thanks hypomania/ depression cycles) I've started to pay closer attention to my cycles. For a few months I was having hight stress/ anxiety which turned into deep depression. I came out of it into a hypomania for a few weeks, but I'm falling again and I'm afraid that it's more than just my cycle, and it's really that I'm unhappy at work. I just can't tell. In the past, I have had a hard time being happy in my jobs and I always have felt like I had a good reason, whether I actually did or not. Actually, there was only one job that I really loved, as a student teacher in college, and I left that because of time constraints.

Another thing is that I have social anxiety, which mostly manifests after the fact when I ruminate about stuff I said or did and my interpretations of things that make me fuel my self-hatred (like facial expressions and tone... or anything about any given social interaction). It gets worse when I get depressed, and I'm afraid I'm going back down the second time in a year, which isn't super normal for me. I'm having a harder time controlling it and acting fine at work, and I have this awful feeling or paranoia that no one at work likes me anymore. If this is true, it will be hard for me to get back on everyone's good side.

In this job, though, no one seems happy. Upper management doesn't seem to know what they're doing and everyone seems to feel powerless and most people want out. But, it's a highly respected nonprofit animal shelter, so it's really hard for people to want to leave as we're doing good work.

Anyway, I feel very strongly that I want to leave... but, most recently when I was feeling hypomanic, I also wanted to buy a house that was unfinished and thought I could put in the floors, walls, and kitchen cabinets on my own (which I've never done) while I lived there on a pretty small salary and working full time and taking classes. Not super realistic. Also, I don't have a job that I would go to directly. I live alone and pay all my living expenses through this job (and student loans, but it it smart to live on student loans without knowing for sure that I will find a job before running out?), so I know it's smart for me to not quit without having something else to go to. But! I do think that I genuinely don't want to be there and could be happy starting fresh somewhere else, especially starting with a new therapist and most likely going on medication again.

That was really long, and there is more to it than that... But if anyone has anything to say, I would appreciate it.

Thanks

[fifthsonata]

I think you answered your own question here. If you genuinely feel you're unhappy at work, then make plans and start applying elsewhere. The fact that you're cognizant about irrational decisions is a BIG thing - most people in a manic/mixed state won't realize what they're doing is irrational and a bad choice. You're questioning it, which is a good sign. Start looking around, applying, and interviewing - since you liked teaching, perhaps investigate local day care centers or private schools. Many of them need aftercare coordinators and you don't have to have a degree to do it - just pass a background check. It's a great way to explore the childcare field in a low-stress environment.

Have you brought this up with your therapist at all?

[Mads]

Hi fifthsonata, thank you for your reply! Yes, I've talked to her a lot, but I don't know if she really understands what I'm dealing with here. It's part of the reason I'm changing therapists. I'm just afraid I will be in each job for a year or less and never be happy in any job and that I should just deal with it as I currently have a salary and benefits.

The other thing is, and this is embarrassing and very frustrating, I am currently fighting a DWI and most of the positions in the field I want to work in won't hire someone with a DWI on their record. There is a position I found that I would really love, but I'm not sure if I should apply until after the whole ordeal is dealt with, whether I'm convicted or not. I don;t think this is something I could get fired over legally, but I wasn't and they all know I'm dealing with this at work.

I'm just very conflicted. I'll look into after school programs, though. Thank you.

[oak]

Hello and thanks for posting!

As I see it, there are a few threads in your post: therapy, work, and DWI.

I can offer the following, which you are welcome to take or leave. You won't like what I have to say, and though I am blunt, I do not intend offense.

1. Therapy: I can't suggest anything specific, but your therapist is your employee. Ergo, like any employee if it isn't working, you all need to have a talk, and perhaps part ways. But only you can judge that.

2. Work: As far as your work, strictly speaking from my own experience: I found much more kindness and living wages in the for-profit world than the nonprofit. Also, having worked at a pet store for some years, many to most of the animal/rescue organizations were run exceedingly poorly. As in nearly-criminal regarding abusing their tax-exempt status. Generally they were conducted in an extremely shoddy fashion. (Except for this one nonprofit who rehabilitated racing greyhounds.) Your results may vary, but my experience with many nonprofits= yikes.

3. Alcohol: I am going to offer you a Dutch Uncle talk, so prepare yourself.

There is hope. Things can absolutely get better in your situation.

(I have been straightedge-sober for six years.)

My advice is to medically detox. If you survive (keeping in mind that alcohol is the only drug whose withdrawal can kill you), then never drink again. Become straightedge, join a recovery group, or find religion: whatever way you do it, don't drink again.

I've seen people get their first DWI and do one of two things: (1) Spend the 3 days in jail, rightfully lose their license, and smartly decide to never drink again, (2) just have the first DWI be the first of many. Option (2) is a really bad way to live.

You can make a choice, for now.

They can't fire you for getting a DWI, unless you live in an at-will state, in which case they can fire you for any/no reason. Or, they can fire you for the DWI, but trump it up as something else. If they call you in and stiffly read formal verbiage, you may as well dust off your resume. If you are about to get fired, I suggest offering to quit first.

But I don't suggest you quit, unless they move to fire you. Instead, I suggest you re-dedicate yourself to working hard and humbly there. Clean dog cages, scrub toilets, take out the trash. You may need to quit anyway if/when you lose your license.

In summary: remember, there is hope regarding alcohol.

[oak]

btw, lest I seem to try to appear to be a morally superior luminary, consider this vignette from my drinking career:

On July 2, 1995 (it is funny how I remember certain details) I woke up from a brief blackout in a ditch in the side of a busy highway.

My friend was driving me home, and I must have asked him to stop, I suppose to go to the bathroom (because that is classy) on the side of the road, he stopped and let me out. Seconds later he couldn't find me, and feared I had walked into traffic (this was at night, of course).

I have no memory of the previous paragraph. I do remember waking up in the ditch. That incident should have woken up me to my alcohol choices, but it took another twelve years and eleven months. Sigh.

But I am not going back.

And you don't have to go back either.

[anymomentinthewoods]

Mads, your post is like you're describing me at my last job. My advice is that if you feel in your bones like you need to get out of there and you have a support system to help you look for a new job, then you need to get out of there. Feeling discontent in your other jobs probably is a mix of factors. Maybe you haven't found your perfect career yet. Is there anything that you really want to do? I mean, don't get me wrong: quitting isn't a magic fix. In fact, I'm still dealing with similar mental problems like when I was in that job. But the weight of a job that you feel trapped in...you don't deserve that if you absolutely don't have to put up with it.

[CosM129]

Hi Mads

How is the Job thing shaping up? I can really relate to what you were talking about but I am just getting on here and did not see your post until
now. Has anything changed for the better? Do you have advice to share? Do you still feel socially anxious i am feeling that way about my
job now so i can understand how that feels.

[Mads]

Hi CosM129,

Sorry I didn't reply sooner. I was feeling a lot better for a while, and so I wasn't on the forum. I even started writing a book... I like to think that it was because I was feeling motivated but it could have been some hypomania because I have since lost interest in it. Though, I have been feeling shitty again, so maybe it's just that now I'm depressed and have no motivation unless I take Adderall and drink too much coffee.

No, my job has not gotten any better. But, I did get some validation since I last posted; 7 members of the administration team have quit in that time. So, it's not just me, my job actually is very shitty. Or at least my boss and coworkers are very shitty, the job itself probably isn't that bad.

My social paranoia had gotten a lot better, but now that I'm depressed again it's creeping back. Two of the women I was really paranoid about have quit, so that's good, but I started Abilify since I posted and that really helped. However, I'm thinking I might need to go on an antidepressant or something because this fucking depression! I can't fucking shake it and it's driving me crazy. Like, I'll feel fine if I'm working on a school project or applying for funding to go back to school (two different programs... it's as if I'm trying to distract myself or validate my existence or something), and then I'll go on Facebook and see that some of my friends are hanging out without me and I'll just start sobbing and think I have no friends and no one likes me. I feel like my family only tolerates me; none of them actually like me let alone love me. I have very little motivation to do anything, and the motivation I do have is based on my social paranoia. I don't want to brush my teeth, but I do so people don't talk about me behind my back about how bad my breath is. Same with showering, getting up and choosing clothing, arriving at work at a reasonable time. I don't give a fuck about my job anymore, but I'm so afraid people think I'm bad at it that I'm doing it well.

I have found an escape route, though. I applied for about one million jobs, but decided to go back to school instead. There, I'll be consistently busy/ distracted and I'll find a way to fund my life even if it is through student loans. Plus, I know what school is like and I know I enjoy it. I am seriously afraid I would get this way at any job, despite the fact that my dislike of this job was validated. After I'm done with my PhD maybe I'll start my own nonprofit and that'll be better. Or be a professor, I think I'd like that.

I met this girl who jokingly said that the only reason I don't like my job is because I'm not in charge. What if that's true? What if I really am this awful control freak and that's why people don't like me? Listening to the show, I always wonder how people with depression or bipolar disorder or borderline can be married. Like, how could someone who deals with some of the same issues I deal with manage being in a relationship to the point that they get married? Am I really that awful of a person? I mean, I must be a truly awful person to be around because if other people, sometimes with deeper issues than mine, can get someone to love them enough to marry them or even to MAKE FRIENDS, and I can't, there must be something fundamentally wrong with me. I can know that I'm pretty and smart and I can be funny, but there's always a line where people stop wanting to hang out with me. Maybe, idk, people can tell I'm putting on an act when I'm depressed and they don't like it... But it's better than me sitting in my house alone all day sleeping and crying, which is what I do most of the time, and I have to put on the act in order to be around people.

Ugh, I know I'm getting worse when my paranoia comes back. I asked my friend (or acquaintance, I can never tell) if she was mad at me because she sounded annoyed when she said goodbye two days earlier. TWO days carried this around. And now I think she probably doesn't want to be my friend at all because I asked her if she was mad at me.

Fuck, I'm in a hole. I am a hole. I'm in therapy and I'm on three medications and it didn't stop this depression from coming back. I don't think my job is the problem.

[CosM129]

Hi
Thanks for getting back to me some of what your saying about your feelings is really relatable. It's too late to really reply right now but i will tomorrow
hoping your week is ok ttyl