Weary's Diary

[manuel_moe_g]

We talked a bit yesterday and I did a little better than usual in saying what it was feeling (angry) and why without feeling like I had to apologize or justify it. We agree that we need to talk (not fight or dance around) some of these difficult situations and feelings in a more constructive way.

You have no idea how proud of you I feel reading this! This is great news and you deserve it.

Don't apologize for seemingly repeating yourself. Difficult change takes time. You deserve patience with yourself.

[weary]

I am in hell.

I am so tired, sad, angry, scared and feel so worthless and helpless right now. It doesn't matter what I do to try to take care of myself, to find happiness and joy in things, to be nice to myself, to work hard to be a good and responsible person and improve myself and work to improve situations and help other people. It doesn't matter how much I do to take care of my wife, to show her that I love her, to spend time with her, to listen to her, to soothe her and comfort her. None of it matters. It will never be enough. Even if I can work on managing my own issues and make some progress with my own internal struggles with shame, anger, depression and get myself in a better place, her depression and anxiety and our interactions and her inability to get her shit together and her explosive outbursts always bring me down. It's like all of the things that I do to make myself feel better evaporate, or more accurately are incinerated. And all of the things that I do for her will never be enough to fill the void at her core. I will never show her enough love and affection, enough support, provide enough comfort and security. She is a black hole of need and is incapable most of the time of meeting her own needs and contributing to the meeting of many of mine. And her insecurity always boomerangs back to the incident (now four years ago) where I betrayed her trust and became involved in an emotional relationship with a stripper. Imagine how destroyed she would have been if I had actually had a romantic affair in which I actually fell in love with and had sex with another woman. She will never forgive me for what I did, somehow it has been the PTSD cherry ontop of a sundae of emotional trauma and instability from her childhood and her whole life, really. It doesn't matter all of the things that I do, all of the things that I have done for her for 15 years. It doesn't matter that she doesn't do her share of anything positive in our relationship in a practical way and hasn't consistently done so for over a decade.

I am screwed. I am weak and pathetic. I am going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life, because there is nothing that I can do about it, but I guess on the bright side, that probably won't be that long, because if things remain like this one or both of us will probably have a massive heart attack or stroke from the stress.

It was all about carving a fucking pumpkin last night. That's what set her off. And sent her off the rails on a rollercoaster in which we both ended up really upset and up until 3 am.

I hate it. I hate it. But what can I say? She's not allowed to feel her feelings? Just because I feel like I'm not allowed to feel mine? Or because I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING DEAL WITH HERS ANYMORE. She is broken. I'm broken. But somehow, I still have to function. She has a fucking excuse for everything, including being completely helpless and low-functioning and for her extreme emotional instability. I have to be held accountable and responsible for my actions, my words, hell, even my feelings are second guessed. But she has an excuse for everything. But I can't win. Because I'm too angry so I can't express my feelings in a productive and calm way. And I am too overwhelmed so I can't express my feelings without overwhelming her. And when her emotions get out of control, I always lose. Always. Because I can't stand it. But I love her. And I am obligated to take care of her, to stay, to provide for her. If I abandon her, I will be the biggest asshole in the world and it will destroy both of us. I can't even set boundaries anymore. Everything is high stakes. It's like the only two options are tolerate an intolerable situation for the rest of my life or blow up everything in my life to the point where nothing will matter anyway. Everything feels so broken... my marriage, my career, my relationship with family. I will have to lose the few friends and the little stability I have by finding a new job and moving to a new city/state/wherever next year if I don't want to be unemployed and end up homeless.

She can't be who I need her to be and I can't be who she needs me to be. But somehow, I just still feel like I am supposed to try to make it work. I feel like I don't have a choice. And she accuses me of not loving her. I love her. I hate the way she acts sometimes. I hate the way I feel a lot of the time when I am dealing with situations that result from her behavior. Ironically, we have been doing better at finding moments of temporary calm and fun and happiness over the last few months. But none of that matters, because when the shoe drops, it all evaporates and we're back in hell. I don't know what the fuck she expects me to do anymore. I can't undo the past. I can't do more that I am already doing. Honestly I can't maintain all of the things that I am doing. I need help. I need a break. I need her to step up. But I can't even get to that point most of the time because she is having a shitfit about some stupid fucking thing or she is wallowing in her own depression, self-pity, or crippling anxiety, or she is numbing herself to it by stuffing earbuds in her ears and spending a fortune on audiobooks. How does she have time to listen to 5 books a week but can't take a fucking shower every day, sleep at night like a normal person, or just fucking pick up after herself?

Sorry. This has been a stupid mindless rant. I am tired and I am really, really frustrated and scared. I want to give up (on everything) but I don't even understand what that means. It's like a foreign concept. I just have to keep going every day, whether it is tolerating my wife's behavior because I love her, or continuing to strive in a career that I am a miserable failure at, or trying to take care of myself even though I clearly don't deserve happiness. I am on a fucking treadmill with no hope and no joy and no silver lining or light at the end of the tunnel that I believe in anymore.

[manuel_moe_g]

It wasn't a stupid mindless rant, because you are a valuable person, and you deserve to be heard and validated. Please take care, weary.

[weary]

Thanks manuel_moe.

The weekend was actually mostly OK. Calmer. At least on the outside. I was still suffering internally, because when something explosive like what I wrote about in my last post happens, its like she gets it out of her system and its done and it is never spoken about again (until the next time she explodes), but I am still rattled and upset by it. There are some real issues that we need to talk about without waiting for the explosion, but it is like walking through a minefield. It is so confusing and scary to know how to behave, what to say and do. I just want some fucking peace and want her to act like a grownup at least some of the time. I am so torn about what to do and think and what to expect. Most objective observers tell me I need to end it. I am afraid of that choice. But I am also afraid of continuing to live like this.

[fifthsonata]

Would it be easier to confront life with or without her?

If you choose to end the relationship, how she responds is NOT your responsibility. You've given her opportunity to help herself and your relationship and it hasn't happened.

So....is this pain worth it?

[weary]

Would it be easier to confront life with or without her?

I don't know.

When things are not acutely chaotic, with her.
When things are crazy, without her.
Neither situation is easy. I wouldn't have the support and help I need in either situation.

There is enough of both periods of time that it makes me crazy trying to decide.

If you choose to end the relationship, how she responds is NOT your responsibility. You've given her opportunity to help herself and your relationship and it hasn't happened.

I'm sure you would not be surprised to know that she would probably vehemently disagree with those statements. And if I am being honest, she has done some things to help herself and the relationship. It just hasn't been enough. Yet. And it comes down to the core belief that if she is truly doing the best that she can (or the best that she thinks she can), and I'm still not satisfied with that, somehow that means that I am a terrible, terrible person and that I don't love her. I think at her core much of the time she feels like she is stupid, worthless, ugly and incompetent because she spent much of her life being told that directly or having those beliefs reinforced by those around her. She came to rely on me to be the person that makes everything all right and reassures her that she is in fact OK and not all of those things. So when I do not provide that reassurance that she has become addicted to, it is a big problem for her, because she can't summon it herself most of the time. And when I criticize her, when I expect things that she can't give, when I express that maybe her best is not good enough, that pulls the rug out from under her world and all of her negative thoughts and feelings normally directed at herself get redirected as anger to me.

So....is this pain worth it?

I also don't know the answer to this. Because I still don't even know what "it" is going to turn out to be. i.e. what I can hope for in a realistic sense in either possible outcome. And there is pain if we stay together and there will be pain if I leave, and I have no way of knowing which pain will be greater and which path actually has a possibility of me feeling better about my life and getting my needs met more consistently.

[weary]

I'm bouncing in and out of a really, REALLY deep depression right now.

I haven't been on here much in a while. I've been shutting down more in general. Not a good thing. I have 1-2 friends that I can talk to kinda sometimes, and once in a while I can really be open and vulnerable with my wife, but not about the things that are the most important most of the time.

Everything hurts right now. I am so sad. I am so fucking angry and frustrated. I just feel defeated. I wish I could give up, but I don't even know what that means anymore. I feel like I am going to be stuck on the same fucking treadmills for the rest of my life, and all but the most fleeting, superficial joy has been sucked out of it. Everything positive is weighed down by negatives that are 10X as frequent and intense. I can't get rid of the negatives without also losing the positives and then I will have NOTHING at all. But I can't keep this up. This level of stress and chaos.

I can't fix this. Any of it. I have failed at so much, so badly. I can't cope with my problems while dealing with my wife's depression/anxiety/crazy behavior/self sabotage. Living with her is so fucking draining and she only puts in 10% of the effort that I need her to put in to take care of herself or be a good partner, but she requires more of me than I can handle. But somehow, I always end up being the bad guy when I get angry or when I try to stick up for myself.

I feel so hollow. I am just a zombie, sleepwalking through my life, going through the motions. I go to work and struggle to focus to get the things done that I need to get done. I go home and do what needs to be done to hold our lives together (laundry, cooking, shopping) and cope with my wife's emotional struggles and zone out with TV or music for too many hours. I sleep less than I should every night. I am becoming worried about my physical health. I am struggling with huge issues - major career change, fear of being unemployed/underemployed, health risks, giving up on ever having kids, being afraid about the future of my marriage - and yet not only can I not get consistent support for dealing with those things, I am burdened by so much fucking intolerable behavior from my wife. I don't know what to do about anything.

I still love my wife. We still have some nice times together and there are still sparks of real connection and intimacy there. But there is so much anger. So much depression. So much anxiety. From both of us. I don't have a real home - I go "home" and that is where her emotions and chaos and clutter and anxiety control and dominate everything. I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong at my job anymore. Home is a minefield. There is no family to go back to. I feel so defeated and lonely, but at the same time I feel like I need my wife to leave me the fuck alone and deal with her own shit sometimes.

My self-confidence is bottoming out. My productivity is suffering. I'm having a consult with a neurosurgeon on Friday because I have multiple degenerating discs in my cervical spine. I can't image the concept of having to have spinal surgery in the midst of everything that I am going through. I am not in pain at the moment, but I have a number of muscles that are being compromised by pressure on the nerve roots and it is affecting different tasks (and I don't want to ignore it until I do wake up one day in excruciating pain). No matter what I do to try to take care of myself physically, or emotionally, or to try to be a good husband and provider and take care of my wife's needs, or to be a good friend, or to be a responsible adult, or to work hard and do my best at my job... none of it is enough. And so in the end, none of it even fucking matters.

This is what I'm doing instead of getting actual work done. No wonder my life is so fucked up.

[manuel_moe_g]

Weary, you deserve better than all I can give you, which are words of warm encouragement and hope. Take care, friend.

[weary]

Thanks manuel_moe_g.

Went to the gym and worked out and got in a 3 mile run this morning, and that helped with my mood today a little bit.

There are just so many tense/upsetting situations right now. If I could just be left alone and nobody would bother me, I would feel OK. If I was in a relationship with someone normal, I think I could be really happy. If I had some stability in my career, I think I could be more productive and feel more satisfaction. If I were getting more of my needs met, I don't think I would feel so undeserving and stupid and weird for wanting/needing things.

I'm a really good husband in many ways, I think, but my marriage is a mess. I am a really good teacher and an OK scientist/researcher, but I am about to lose my job. I am a likeable, responsible person. I am easygoing. I am smart. I have a good sense of humor. I am compassionate and empathetic. I feel like I have a lot of things going for me, yet I remain mired in situations in which I feel like I have no control. I just want peace, stability. I want a house and kids and a dog. I want to feel like people value and respect me for me, as well as for what I do for them. So much of the time I feel taken for granted, and I feel like I do too much for other people and it's still not respected/appreciated/acknowledged and it's never enough anyway.

[weary]

A lot has happened to me in the last six months. Some situations have turned around completely. Others are still as bad as they always were.

Today is my birthday. I'm now 43.

I turned my career problems around. Instead of not getting tenure and losing my position, I got an offer from another school for a tenure track position, unexpectedly got a major research grant funded, and then my employers reversed their earlier course and gave me tenure and promoted me to associate professor. So I (1) keep my job and don't have to move across the country and start over, (2) have tenure now, (3) have a promotion with a significant pay bump. A complete 180 from where things were career and finances wise six months ago. Work isn't perfect but it is STABLE. And I can manage it. And I still get enough enjoyment and satisfaction from it to balance out the frustrations and annoyances.

Things in my personal life are still fucked up in a lot of ways but in some ways are better. It is good in some ways for my marriage that we did not have to pack up and start over. That would have put even more strain on an already strained situation. The financial and career stability helps. We are closing on our first house this week. Actually buying a house and having some space will be a significant improvement and probably help both of our mental well being. Having the job stability and promotion has made the transition to getting a house much easier than it otherwise would have been.

In some ways, my wife and I are communicating better some of the time, but I am still a lousy coward in terms of standing up for myself and my feelings and wants and needs and the fact that she is still not able or willing to live up to what my expectations, wants and needs are in a partner. It is a real problem. I so badly want to have kids and I am not sure it is even possible anymore. If she can come through in other ways, maybe I can let that go eventually. But if she can't... I still don't know what that means and I am still scared about it. I am trying to get better with validating my own feelings and my own needs and having the courage to express them to her and not get sucked into the dance that results either from her painful anxiety or defensiveness over those issues. I need to stop getting overwhelmed by her feelings at the expense of my own. I still do it all the time...

She is committed to getting her shit together so she says, and getting a house and moving is an opportunity for her to demonstrate that. She needs to get her schedule and priorities straight and get her messes cleaned up and organized and packed and come up with a plan for being organized in the new house. We need to come up with a system together for balancing the chores and responsibilities in a fair way. And if we can accomplish that, it will be a lot, but that still doesn't address the bigger issues of her ever getting a job again or contributing to the marriage in some other substantive way, or having kids, or not being so emotionally dependent on me.

I guess I'm feeling hopeful but scared at the same time. The job stuff is great. The house stuff will be great. I am scared about the other stuff. And scared about what it means for me and for my marriage in the long term.