Afraid i will never heal,Life feels like a prison sentence

[Bullwhip]

I am a 44 year old man,currently drowning in depression and anxiety.I was diagnosed as Schizo/Affective Manic depressive when i was 19.Doctors i have seen i recent years do not think that is an accurate diagnosis.I have not been officially diagnosed a new term.I am taking wellbutrin and prozac..i have tried a few more(cant remember the names..effexor i think...yeah thats one of them.The ones i am taking now(and the others) are not really working..wellbutrin used to work but not anymore..i am also taking suboxone for chronic pain..regular opiates made me sick...i am hopefully getting surgery later this year to fix the pain in my feet so i can walk without pain.i think taking the suboxone is contributing to my depression.I know it is.But right now working full time and doing school,its the only way i can handle the pain.
I used to be prostitute and a drug addict.i was homeless and all that.i know that hurt and wounded me deep inside.much deeper than i thought it would.
my upbringing was horrible(mostly,not all the time) moms a drug addict..dads emotionally a robot,they remarried people who were very verbally abusive to me and would threaten to hurt me...
The bottom line is i am having to go through hell everyday in my head just to survive.i can barely hold down a job
and im in school and i am afraid of people, im afraid of my teachers...i just have so much anxiety communicating.
I am in A.A. and see my sponsor regularly working steps...i hate meetings and stopped going months ago..
seeing people in meeting find spiritual awakenings and find peace and all that is too much to take..i know it will never happen for me and to her others heal makes feel so depressed and full of anxiety i often leave a meeting halfway through..i actually feel exactly the same not going to meetings as opposed to going minus the bad feelings in meetings...i figure why torture myself and go? i will never see the light anyway.
My only relief is music and writing.and comedy.
i would probably kill myself a long time ago if i didn't have those things.

relationships are hard because i have too much self hatred..nobody wants to date a guy like me,and the woman that did,she was an abusive drunk.and i stuck around for 6 years letting her yell at me until finally had to get the fuck away from her.
better to be alone..but sometimes i think maybe it would be better to be yelled at so i wouldn't feel so alone.i am serious, here i am very lonely and desperate for any contact with people.
What really really scares me is my doctor says we tried all the meds we can try and none of them worked,i think he is being lazy and not trying cuz i went online did a little resreach and asked ,what about prozac? and he said ok,we can try that,lol./
i have only tried like 4 different meds!! he keeps telling me..oh those to the ones wont work...only these will work.
in the first meeting with him he took about 5 minutes to hear my life story and how i am feeling.
everytime i see him he asks how am i doing i say horrible,he smiles a big smile and ups my dose,writes a script and leaves the room..all in 30 seconds.

i guess i need to see a new doc huh?
i like hime cuz he is so loving and nice and smiles a lot,i really look forward to seeing him...but it seems like he just isn't trying very hard to help me find the right med
i KNOW it takes timeI KNOW it might take months,maybe years to find the right one.but i am willing to try everything
i KNOW meds are only part of the solution
i do yoga 1-3 hours a day(im not kidding if i don't i get so depressed i cant function) i meditate about 20 mins every other day or so
im now a vegan,i dont smoke. i do drink too much caffiene..but i am trying really hard to wean myself off it.or just do less..and i do less now..sometimes 3 cups of coffee will put me in a terrified state like it did yesterday(but it was more than the coffee,it was a lot of shit building up) and i left school sobbing and freaked the fuck out..luckily nobody saw me crying i told the teacher i was very sick.
besides my pain meds i take prescribed by the doctor the way they are supposed to be taken,i have not taken drugs in 7 years.i quit drinking 14 years ago also
i did therapy with a VERY NICE lady.i only had 10 visits ..i have the poor people insurance .medical..it was the first time i enjoyed therapy.She thinks i can heal myself and hearing someone say that was like hearing their was a cure for stage 4 cancer that i had.i did some therapy years ago when i was on drugs and as u can guess it didn't go so well.
i am looking for more free or low income therapy
i would spent every fucking dollar i and if i could find some peace in this life.
i will try anything
i am even considering going back to meetings even though i fucking hate them
and trying again..but after 1o years off AA i really hate meetings
i DO however like doing the steps with a sponsor..i do become a better person that way,and i feel less guilty about who i am.
i feel a lot of shame about almost everything
i dont know why
but starting at age 9 or 10 i became really afraid of women
and my whole life i feel ashamed to talk to them and i feel like i am a bad person.
i feel like i am evil and should avoid women.
i dont enjoy sex.i think prostitution fucked me up really bad with that one.
i crave a relationship and when i see people hugging each other and having freinds..i wish i a part of that.
but i have so much self hatred,i can tell people can see that in me and they avoid me.
i do positive affirmattions
sometimes for hours all day...they barely work.but doing them helps me not do negative affirmations which my brain does automatically from sunup to sundown.

my best freind died at age 56
he was very unhappy till the day he died
right before he died he told me
" why doesn't this world want me?"
'"why do i not belong here"
i am terrified i will die like that,never knowing peace,never knowing self love..
in a hospital bed,hating myself till the fucking last breath leaves my body.

thank you Paul Gilmartin
your podcast has given me a small ray of hope
and cling to it like a rope thrown to a drowning person at sea.
My friends dont understand why i am so fucked up..i cant talk to anybody except one friend and she is so fucking sick and tired of hearing me like a broken record,i really dont want to burden her ever again.because then i will have zero friends.and she is a very good friend who is diagnosed and takes meds and understands,but she is human and i notice she wont call me for weeks(i don't blame her one bit)i scare people all the time.all of my friends from my past,not a single one will talk to me anymore,i don't blame them..i always have trauma going on,im always in crisis mode,always so miserable and in pain that i just spill it all out cuz i hurt so bad inside.i just want to know how to help myself.People in A.A. fucking piss me off because i HAVE taken their fucking advice,done 90 in 90,,did the stupid prayers(which really don't do shit for me)and i just get more depressed going to meetings...they keep saying a miracle will happen if you stick around..the only miracle i have ever found found was at a comedy club or when i am playing music..i feel small moments of happiness then..never at a fucking meeting,ever. i have taken commitments done meetings in homeless shelters,done volunteer work,prayed for my enemies(boy that REALLY doesn't work sometimes,sometimes it helps a little tho,sometimes)i have had sponsees..they always leave me..no wonder..why would you want a sponsor that is so fucking depressed?...i have tried all the suggestions..i even tried to believe in god..but i am an atheist..that's like asking a homosexual to have sex with the opposite sex and enjoy it..why do people force the religion???why?? i dont force my atheism on anyone.
my freinds dont understand that maybe i am clinically depressed and need a lot of help,or maybe even meds for the rest of my life
and you do(paul),and your listeners do im sure.

ok i better stop i will keep writing for hours if i don't stop

[Glock therapy]

Hey Bullwhip,
I'm not sure what to say. I just wanted to say something. I feel for you and everything you've been handling for a very long time. You sound like a self-aware, bright guy who is certainly capable of connection and who responds when shown some warmth. I don't have any answers, just the wish to reach out, and to say that I relate even though it sounds like a lot about our lives has been different. Do you have options other than AA and the doc you see? Clearly neither is very helpful but it's quite telling how much you respond to your doc's kind manner. I wonder what would happen if you had the opportunity to speak with someone who is both warm and responsive. Seems like you've just been getting handed meds and AA doctrine, and neither "sees" you (to use a word that Paul tends to, and one which I like as an alternative to mechanical-sounding "validation"). And that you weren't "seen" as a child, either, by your parents and steps- --certainly not in the way you should have been. So you've been unhappy with AA and your psychiatrist--have you just been unable to explore alternatives for some reason? Money, motivation, whatever? Are you not aware of any where you live? Did I miss something in what you wrote? That's just the thought that jumps out at me.
But like I said, more than anything I really just wanted to reach out some after reading what you wrote. I really appreciate how much you wrote and how much of your experience you conveyed. I hope your load lightens somehow.

-gt

[Bullwhip]

hey mr glock
yeah i guess you missed the part about the therapy i did,and how i am seeking out more.
i also need to meditate more..i never seem to do it with any regularity
and the most important thing i think is..and i did not say this yet...
i need to find someway of having a job that will make me happy and feel like my dream job.
thats A BIG PART OF LIFE,your job..what you do 1/3 of your time on earth
im working on it
the music,the writing,
ik college for the 3rd time,finally sober
yes i am trying everyfucking thing i can
of course until someone suggests something i have never heard of
i heard that on amanda palmers blog/twitter/facebook(she is a cult famous musician and writer)
that her fanbase is really good at helping people out with advice in time of trouble
so im gonna go over there and ask for help,too.

i will read any book,i will try almost everything except religion which i find offensive and not helpful at all.
i actually tried Christianity,Hinduism.. the AA crap....didnt work man.
i fucking tried..if you are a REAL ATHEIST you dont become reborn..if you do,you were never a real athiest to begin with.
a good friend told me that...such amazing truth in that statement.
anyway thank you very much for responding..if no one responded i would feel very small and invisible
i noticed a lot of people post on here and dont get any replies
thats very sad.
i am also going to seek out other mental health forums(esp on meds right now) and seek advice

[Fargin]

I could never wrap my head around religion, I just took everything too literal and the thought about living in heaven, walking bare feet on clouds terrified me. I've since modified my own version of belief and now consider all other religions simply to be different translations of the same existential need for an explanation. My own belief is that the thing inside me, that makes me a living being, rather than a couch pillow or a rock, connects me to all other living beings and connects me to the sun and all other starts in the universe. While I'm sure my life spark will die out at one point, the ever surround life near and far will continue, which mean in some sense, I'm part of something eternal or immortal.

Just a week ago I wrote something similar, about how I used to feel: "I couldn't go on, I saw my life as a prison sentencing, that I had to endure..."

I don't know what to tell you, because you seem to already be doing the work or working hard to find a way to break free from your own prison, but I definitely know that feeling. What worked for me, was realizing how badly I talked to myself and how hard I judged my every action and word. I still automatically do, but when I become aware of it, I don't allow myself to treat me this way and once I'm aware, I try to treat myself with kindness and compassion. I'm hoping, I can continue this process to slowly change my core belief, which I was raised to believe, that's I'm a bad kid, an embarrassment and a burden.

I often find myself stalling, when thinking about posting in this forum, because I'm actually doing well for the first time in my 41 year old life and I worry, I'm putting pressure and stress on other people, stuck in a bad situation, telling them how awesome and easy my life has become. I also struggle with coming off as a know it all or narcissistic, so I sometimes convince myself, the person is better off with me not posting.

I just wanted to say, I know that feeling, keep at that thick prison wall with your tea spoon, you deserve to get out of prison too!

[Bullwhip]

hey fargin
no,man i think its GREAT that you post here telling us how it got better for you,trust me that's the stuff i wanna hear,at least.
i need to have hope,i need to KNOW that its going to get better because that's what motivates me to get up and go to yoga class,try out something new ive never done before,etc...and ya i do positive affirmations to try to reverse the mean shit i say to myself all day long
i have to,i go crazy if i don't.
i love you how said i will not allow myself to talk to myself that way.thats beautiful,man.
thats really loving yourself and treating yourself with respect.
im not there yet,but sometimes i feel that way.sometimes i am strong enough to defend myself against the bully in my head
that just beats the snot out me everyday.

thanks for posting man..i really appreciate it

[Glock therapy]

Hey Bullwhip,
Yeah, I missed the sentence "I'm going to seek out some other low-cost therapy" (to paraphrase). I guess what had jumped out was when you mentioned having a good experience, but that it was only for ten sessions. You probably know that most clinics that take Medicaid also will see folks on a sliding scale for fees that can slide pretty low ($20/session here in very expensive NYC area--probably even less elsewhere). If you're a student, you may be entitled to see a shrink through Student Health. Anyway, I'm guessing you're aware of your options--you sound like you know what you're doing. Just had wanted to reach out. Your pain is clear on the page. So's your resilience and resourcefulness. Little solace when one is feeling like shit, but nevertheless something noticeable to others. Wishing you well, and for some more return on all the work you're doing.

gt

[Bullwhip]

yup thanks...therapy i will try out..i need to do something...i am failing in some of my classes in school,it affects my relationships,fuck
it feels out of control.really out of control.i feel so lost.im so fucking sick and tired of feeling fear,terror and shame 24 fucking 7
my brain just shovels shit on me all day long.i hate it and i dont like it.it hurts and it wounds me and it scares and traumatizes me//i told my doctors about how i was feeling much much worse...they couldnt wait to get rid of me..told me the meds will help! i told them they are not fuckingh helping! they just wanna shove drugs at me and get me out.i counted on my watch 36 seconds the doc spent with me..she doesnt like me at all i can tell.

i think i would be in a state of shock if i ever created a good life...feels like a fantasy world..very far away/

sorry to vent
i am totally freaking out
and i hate being alive

[Fargin]

Been there.

Drugs can help with some things, but they can't suddenly make sense of your coping mechanisms, everyday life and past, like sharing your thoughts with an actual qualified human being. Try to find therapy and find someone, you feel you can trust and work with.

Vent and freak out, most of us have been there and do it on a regular basis.

[Glock therapy]

Hey, Bullwhip,
How's it going by you? (Normally, of course, such a question requires an "I'm fine", or some such answer that ensures that the asker is not made uncomfortable--but this is the MIHH forum, so seriously, how's it been going?)

gt (man, I wish I had thought the user name thing out more)

[Fargin]

gt (man, I wish I had thought the user name thing out more)

I thought GT was an awesomely dark pick.