Nothing is wrong and everything is awful

[E is for Elephant]

I'm about a month-and-a-half into the worst depressive episode of my life.

I've been staring at the "post a new topic" screen on and off for a couple of days now. It's daunting, trying to put this stuff down into words, especially when nothing bad has actually happened. I'm 31 and have been dealing with depression and anxiety since my teens. I've never been abused, emotionally or physically. My parents are supportive and my childhood was stable and stable.

But this last month or so has been absolutely brutal. I've had dark periods before, but usually not this bad, and never for this long. Nothing particularly bad happened to trigger it, I just can't shake it. Crying jags, insomnia, nightmares, prevalent suicidal thoughts (I'm not actually going to kill myself, I've just become fixated on the idea of it). I'm not seeing a therapist (I should be, but my health insurance sucks, I'm pretty poor, and the idea of trying to find a therapist is enough to start to trigger my anxiety issues). I'm not enjoying things that I should be, or rather, there are brief periods of enjoyment, but I quickly get caught up in my head again and the enjoyment gets snuffed out.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello, "E is for Elephant", welcome to our little forum. Make yourself at home in the threads and topics here.

Forum tips: You can keep up with all activity on the forum by clicking “View active topics” under the main Board index. And when you post, you can subscribe to the replies by clicking on “Subscribe topic” at the bottom of the page – this also allows you to subscribe to new replies of any topic that interests you.

I am sorry to read that you are inside a month-long depressive episode. Don't beat yourself up because of your depression being purely chemical and not situational. You still deserve compassion.

Please take care, you are not alone, keep the line of communication open, we here are cheering for you and for your greatest today and tomorrow.

[fennec]

I just saw this post. How have you been doing since you posted this?

Your post really resonated with me. Love the subject line.

I'm 34, good family. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety. Last year I had the worst depressive episode of my life. Still digging myself out.

There was something that triggered it, but my spiral into depression was definitely due to my anxiety more than the situation. It's like my brain is attacking me.

[Steadyeddy]

I too just saw this post. I saw it as the top post, so I thought it was the most recent introduce yourself post. I hope the past week has been more comfortable for you. I had a bad few weeks a while back, but it was due to me deciding to decrease my xanax more than I should have, which was a bad idea. It's horrible to not be able to trust your own thoughts. I'm in that place right now I think. But I'm not sure if I am or not because I can't trust myself. Pretty uncomfortable. Crawling in my skin a little bit.

I hope you see this message E for elephant because I'd like to know that you are feeling better. When it comes on for no reason like that it is especially unsettling. How can you solve a problem when you don't know why it started? It's scary. I hope you had a moment of clarity that jolted you out of the fog.

Sending you positive vibes.

Hope you feel better,

[E is for Elephant]

Thanks for the well-wishes everyone, it really does mean a lot.

Things are still pretty bad, but it's not as unrelenting as it was. It's been a whole of of ups and downs, and the downs are still coming out of nowhere and really walloping me. But they aren't lasting from morning till night anymore. And looking back at this past weekend, I barely had any negative thoughts at all, I went to my brother's place yesterday and spend a lot of time with him and his wife. I was actually able to genuinely enjoy myself and didn't become lost in my head.

I'm also seeing a comedian I really love this coming Friday (Simon Amstell). And I'm...excited about it. Being excited about something is a good feeling.

[E is for Elephant]

Oh man. Well, I thought things were getting better. Then I almost started crying at the store today because they didn't have the kind of Skittles that I wanted.

So it goes.

[manuel_moe_g]

It is OK, E is for Elephant. Frustrations are measured by how they feel to us inside. Don't beat yourself up. You deserve kudos for trying when trying is hard. All the best, cheers!

[E is for Elephant]

Wooo boy. Reintroducing myself maybe? It's been like a year and a half since I was here. Things have been okay, except for when they aren't. Right now they....aren't. After a pretty long stretch of sleeping okay, my insomnia is back. The feedback loop of that and my anxiety/depression is bad. Hating myself over little things. The usual.

[bigeekgirl]

Welcome back! Wish is was under better circumstances, but I so get it. When things are smooth, I've drifted away, too. I always intend to stick around, but life happens. Good to know the podcast and forum is always here when we need it.

[E is for Elephant]

Thanks. It is comforting to know that this place is here.