can't cope

[SereneSerena]

I had a really bad day today. It basically started with this rude woman from customer service on the phone with me and that started the downward spiral. I then started crying and my mom tried to comfort me but I feel so bad doing this to her. I had a mental breakdown a few months ago and ever since then have ceased to know how to live, like I just don't know how to carry on. I feel like I have no way out and I'm just struggling to survive. Depression is so weird, it's like there's not one thing I can say that is wrong but everything just feels wrong and hopeless. The worst part is I've had depression for so long and it hasn't got any better only worse so it makes me think that I'm just doomed for a life of always feeling so sad and guilty about my family having to hear this. I'm sure my sister who is younger heard me saying I felt suicidal today, that just makes me want to die that I am putting her through any kind of worry. I'm so sick of being depressed and being the one who is always falling apart and always needs to be picked up all the time. I just want to start living, that's the thing, I don't want to die because I know life is this beautiful, amazing gift but my current life just isn't. The feeling I have is just gross.

[manuel_moe_g]

Hello SereneSerena. Don't feel guilty - you are worthy of compassion. These depressed feelings have a beginning, a middle, and an end. You will not be stuck in them forever. All the best, please take care.

[judasiscariotjr]

Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone.

[Brooke]

Yeah, people being rude to me gets me down in a spiral too. I start to feel like I am undeserving of being treated with respect. You seem to have a lot of guilt with being depressed...I understand...you are a compassionate person who cares about your family. I feel like when I am in a downward spiral, the only thing that seems to calm everything down is to stop resisting the situation and just accept it. It's really hard to do, but when I get to that point of desperation, it's the only thing that seems to work.

I tell myself, "It's ok that you're a mess, it's ok that you are depressed beyond your limits, it's ok that you're depressed and that you might be depressed for the rest of your life, it's ok." The more we resist, the worse it gets... And it's really hard to do that when you are in a downward spiral, so I try to tell myself that in my every day life. I do feel hopeless sometimes that I will be depressed for the rest of my life, and when that thought comes up, I try to tell myself that it's ok. That I'm going to accept myself no matter what. When I start to berate myself for being depressed or question, "Why can't you be normal?" then I feel worse.

Beating yourself up never produces good results. I tried that method all of my life and my depression and fibromyalgia kept getting worse. Now I'm trying to accept that I am "handicapped" in a way because of my mental illness. Right now, I can't do a lot of the "normal" activities, but instead of beating myself up for it, I try and accept that that's where I'm at and it's ok.

I tend to feel really guilty towards my family, too, but I know that thanking them and appreciating them is a better deal for them than to feel guilty internally. It's really hard to stop feeling guilty, but just know that showing appreciation for them is good enough. They don't want you to feel guilty. It makes THEM feel better when you say "thank you" instead of "I'm guilt-ridden."

I'm inspired to hear that you want to live this beautiful, amazing life. Hope you feel better soon.