Adult PTSD from Childhood Bullying?

[Simon]

I'm 41, and for the longest time I've self-diagnosed myself as having "anger management issues" due to severe bullying I was subjected to as a child that I am still unable to let go. I am prone to bouts of anger - often hair-trigger responses - that remain with me for days, my fight-or-flight instinct kicks into high gear when speaking publicly or during the most minor altercations, and I still find myself unable to assimilate into large social groups unless their is a high comfort factor (knowing at least half of the people there personally) to ground me. During one of my not-too-seldom anxiety attacks (triggered by a neighborhood child making fun of my shirt, of all things), I'm wide-eyed awake in bed at 3AM and suddenly it occurs to me that these might be PTSD symptoms. I'm obviously not expecting anyone to diagnose me right now, but is this actually a thing? Might I have been neglecting a problem more serious than just "mood swings" or "anger management" caused by the emotional nightmare that was my childhood?

[Fargin]

I don't really know a lot about PTSD, but I kind of think my own behavior and early experiences sometimes shares similarities with PTSD.

On the mini episode with Dr. Guy Winch he talks about rejection:

Guy: ...when you look at the science of rejection, it turns out you don't necessarily have issues, because when scientists put people in functional MRI machines where they can actually see what's going on in the brain - and this is the study they did which is a little, talk about evil - they asked for volunteers – not volunteers, they actually paid them –they asked for people who had recently suffered a really traumatic romantic rejection. They had them bring in a glossy eight by tens of those that rejected them, lie in the MRI machine looking at the picture, and re-playing that rejection as they saw what happened in their brain.

Paul: Wow.

Guy: ...What they found it was so interesting was the same areas in the brain light up when we experience rejection as light up when we experience physical pain. The rejection pathways in the brain piggyback on the pathways responsible for physical pain. And that's why the expression ‘hurt feelings’ related to the rejection, is the same in every language in the world. Rejection literally hurts. And when they did studies about it where they manipulated someone into feeling rejected, and then they tell them, you know that actually wasn’t real, that was a manipulation, it didn't make the hurt go away. Rejection is really resistant to reason. You can’t reason it out that easily. You can, but it will still sting. Because we really get activated, it actually hurts us. And so, it's important for people to know when these, certainly when the small ones happen, but when the moderate ones happen, and they’re really reeling with that rejection and feeling it in a very big way, you’re wired that way. That's why you're feeling it.

Paul: Is everybody wired that way?

Guy: Everyone is wired in that way. Now look, we all have our little emotional resilience differences, and our fundamental differences in what we bring to the game, but we’re all wired that way in terms of evolution. The thing was, when we were hunter-gatherers, to be ostracized from the tribe was pretty much a death sentence. You could not survive alone. So we developed an early warning mechanism, which is what rejection is. People who experience rejection as more painful had the evolutionary advantage, because then they would correct their behavior, not get ostracized, and survive to pass along their genes.

I don't know if this is a leap, but here I go...

If human beings are wired to register rejection as pain, to avoid expulsion from our peers, to increase our survival, you could conclude that bullying is just as or almost as serious physical violence and if we're programmed to survive by grouping up with our peers. You might say, bullying on some level threatens your survival. You could say to some extent, that by being exposed to bullying, you could fit the PTSD criteria of haven been threatened by "death/severe injury" on a neurological level.

I'm not saying a therapist would agree with me, but if rejection = actual pain, then sustained rejection could have massive impact on your early development and current fight/flight/freeze reactions.

I don't know if this makes sense, but it kind of does to me.

[Simon]

That actually makes a lot of sense, thank you for the response. That might be one of the biggest hurdles that people facing mental/emotional issues face, the overall perception by the portion of society not afflicted (or not aware that they are) likewise that it's all "in your head" and "hurt feelings" that aren't as real as broken bones or the swine flu. It took me a decade or two before I could even convince myself that the years of constant mental and emotional abuse had done more than just leave me with bad memories.

[Fargin]

Unfortunately we easily assume the same dismissive perception ourselves.

I don't mean to over-dramatize my problems in order to make excuses for myself, but the fact is minimizing and trivializing my problems got me nowhere. By connecting my behavior to primal survival, I've been able to see the true severity of my problems and if it's a matter of survival, I can better understand, why it's so difficult to change the behavior. While this is also a quite daunting task to start reprogramming my world view, it can help me keep my expectations and goals in balance. Now that I know the real size of the task, I can better realistically set my goals and part-goals and that's basically the foundation for motivation: The ability to set realistic and achievable goals.

If my behavior helped me survive a threat on a psychological/neurological level, I also have to look at it with some gratitude and kindness and I think that's part of the key to begin divorcing myself and changing this deep-rooted behavior. Also if I begin to acknowledge that my behavior, now has become a threat to my present survival, maybe that explains, why I'm now finally ready to confront my issues. Maybe that's what hitting your bottom is all about, you can't make these fundamental changes, before your life depends on it.

[SpookyGhost]

Hi Simon, it is absolutely possible to have PTSD from a childhood experience. In fact, it's quite common. Being young when the traumatic event occurs is one of the major factors that influences if a person will develop PTSD later.

I read about the three major factors in a workbook from my support group, but it seems to be adapted from a book called The PTSD Workbook by Mary Beth Williams and Soili Poijula. Sorry I couldn't find something online to show you. But basically, age, duration of the experience, the number of experiences are all factors.

[Brooke]

I also have anger issues... I think mine stemmed from my childhood too, where I wasn't allowed to express my feelings and opinions in the house. I've never thought of my anger issues as PTSD until I read your post. I really don't know, but it's definitely an issue and it's important to address it.

Fargin's post was really interesting. We really are all scared of rejection because it hurts. I read that the terms "being slapped in the face," and "punched in the gut" really do come from physical pain we feel when someone says something hurtful to us.

When I feel like someone is encroaching in my personal space and is being rude to me (yes, the minor altercations), it stays in my brain forever. I will probably never forget them. I wasn't bullied as a child, but had plenty of moments where I put up with kids being mean. This is probably at the core of my anger. I see the world as a dangerous place and whenever I go out, I put my bitch face on so that no one messes with me.

Like you, I can't go into a group setting either. As a matter of fact, I have agoraphobia. I'm sure all of these are somehow connected, you've just opened a pandora's box for me

[ValeryVala]

one thing my DM used to make, when we were kids, was cheeseburger roll - we loved it. Google "Jiffy meat roll" and DM added 1/4 cup ketchup some cheese

I recently realized that Ive never made it since I moved out. I made it for my family and they like it.


Anyone else have childhood favorites?



[Mental Fairy]

How much time have you got to read the list!!!

Chesse and bacon roll ups. Puff pastry rolled out and covered with bacon, strong cheese and egg and a little nutmeg. Rolled up into a log and sliced into circles. Baked in oven for 20min. OMG the best and most basic recipe i was taught by my nana when i was five. Now it is a family tradition.

Rice pudding with the crust on top.
Shrimp cocktails with thousand island dressing.
Yorkshire pudding with gravy
Ginger steamed pudding.
Cream cheese and crackers.


Even just the thought of these treats takes me back to the tablecloth on the table, the sound of the oven, the feeling of togetherness with my grandparents. Can't beat the love in a cooks hands.

[manuel_moe_g]

Even just the thought of these treats takes me back to the tablecloth on the table, the sound of the oven, the feeling of togetherness with my grandparents.

Great stuff, Mental Fairy! I would very much like to try Yorkshire pudding with gravy!