Telling unsupportive family

[Ziggy]

(I'm aware there's a similar thread on this topic but it's over a year old and my situation is fairly different)

I have a complicated relationship with my parents which is smoother for all parties now that I'm going to university 4,000 km away. They are emotionally abusive and manipulative, they have no boundaries, and they like to control my life. The independence I've gained since moving out is incredibly relieving.

One tense issue in the family is my mental health. I've struggled with mood swings and anxiety since high school and various forms of self-harm as a result of hiding it from my parents. They found out on several occasions and immediately overreacted, made me feel guilty, wouldn't leave me alone and generally made things 100X worse. When they found out I was self-harming they threatened to make me undress on command so they could check if I had relapsed. They stayed in contact with my therapists and I couldn't open up for fear that anything I said could be relayed to them. They forced me into yoga and other activities and controlled what I ate and how much I slept.

Now that I have control over my own healthcare I've been seeing a counsellor and psychiatrist on my own terms through my university. I've been taking mood stabilizers for about a month and they've helped immensely. Things are still hard especially since I don't have much of a support system in this new city, but I'm in a much better place than I was last year.

I'm debating whether or not to tell my parents that I'm on meds. I hate the anxiety that comes with keeping secrets, and I'm terrified that they'll find out when I have to go home for the holidays. They might also find out through the insurance, since that's something we still share. I know they would be less angry if they heard it from me, but they're both staunchly anti-medication. My mother refused to take meds for blood pressure and my dad only did after he ended up needing heart surgery. After the son of a family friend was hospitalized for schizophrenia my father said emphatically and repeatedly "Whatever you do, don't let them drug him. That'll really screw him up."

I'm still financially dependant on them and I'm scared that they'll cut me off or force me to go live with them again. I wouldn't be able to handle either of those right now. I'm looking for work so I can support myself, but they still have control over my bank account and I need their signatures to pay tuition.

The longer I wait the worse it'll be when they finally find out, but I can't bring myself to tell them and face the consequences. I'm seeing a counsellor again in a week and I'm going to discuss it with her, but I feel like I have no way out.

[manuel_moe_g]

Try to hide your medication use as long as possible. Wishing you safe passage through this difficult situation.

[Fargin]

I don't know, if it can help you to think of visiting your parents in the holidays as entering a lion's den.

You'll have to go in there knowing no matter what, you're in harm's way and that you'll take some damage either way. Because they have a financial hold on you, you're both forced to return for the holidays and rightfully worried about their reaction, whether you tell them or they find out themselves.

In order to survive, I'd tell you to gauge the situation and only tell them the truth, if you begin to think, that this issue is completely unavoidable. I've heard soldiers captured and interrogated by the enemy, talks about "becoming the grey man," to be as neutral and avoid confrontation as much as possible in order to take as little harm as possible. You might have to take some of their abuse and manipulation, even if that's going to hurt you too, but maybe you can endure it, if you think of them as lions and you have to put up with their rules, as long as you're caught in the lion's den. You have to be "grey" for the duration of the holiday, so you can return to your new life after the holiday, the new life that will increase your independence and at some point, put you in a position, where you can decrease their toxic influence or simply keep them in the periphery of you life.

I think, it's important that you accept, you're going to endure some abuse, but try to make sure, it doesn't hurt you so much, that you're going into a depressive state, when you return to your studies after the holiday. I don't know, if this can be applied to your situation, but I know, what it feels like being beholden to abusive/manipulative parents. I wish, I could give you better advise, but you might have to take some abuse until you get away from their hold. After I got away from my parents control, I could really start to heal.

[rc409]

Ziggy, saw your other thread....you are awesome....

It really is ok to not disclose this to anyone you dont feel comfortable telling.Just because they are related, so what.

Families just dont get it. I'm 49 now, but I remember things my family did.

In 1985, I would have been 20 years old. I entered a 30 day rehab the day before thanksgiving and was discharged Christmas eve day.

My dad helped pay for this, but I did not have a job, I had to live there...anyway, the night I got home, they threw a big drunken party. Up to, and possibly including spouse swapping. After all, drunk driving was a crime.

I dont know of a kinder way to say this, but its ok to sort of "use people" for what they have to offer. You wont ask your car mechanic to give you a blood test, and you and I cant use our families for emotional support.

Truthfully, ( or when I) walk in the house and look good, feel good, and are ok, its probably a thousand times easier for them to just look the other way and pretend they were/are fantastic parents to have raised such a wonderful child.

[Ziggy]

Thanks guys! It's always reassuring to hear from people with similar experiences. A lot of my friends have really close relationships with their parents and are shocked when they hear how things are for me which just makes me feel worse. One of the psychologists at my school told me in the fall "If I had your childhood I'd be a drug addict" (I was like, thanks? What do you say to that.) I've since stopped seeing him.

I need to remind myself that I have a right to confidentiality and it doesn't make me a bad or ungrateful person. The guilt I feel for keeping secrets is something that was instilled in me by my parents, and constantly acting on it is just re-enforcing the manipulation I'm trying to escape.

[rc409]

My family sounds like yours. All but my mom are gone now. The rest only haunt me in my dreams.

Ziggy, I swear, secrets or not, some of this is our survival, and dammit, we need to do better than survive. We get to have fun, and feel safe when we disclose this stuff. Lets talk serious here, then go into these toxic environments and get through them. I'll try if you will.

I knew Mom would offer no positive thoughts, feelings, or actions after I came close to finishing suicide....then she'd blame herself ..them blame me...well, that would be correct, but still.

Mom and I talk about the weather. She thinks we're all good, and I'm fine with that. YET...I'll still find myself slipping right back into wanting moms.....and especially my dads approval (when he was alive)..yea.right. never happened.

Can I give you my dumb thought for the day? If we could all go back home and feel 100% wanted, needed, loved and comforted, thats where we'd all be.

Is this feeling natures way of making us get out and build families of our own?

[alex8525]

I don't know the answer really. I'm kind of in a similar situation, and it was a pretty desolate feeling at first but I think I'm ok with keeping it to myself now after a year or so. I kinda learned to live with it I think.