fifthsonata--
Bravo!
Deemed unfixable
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donkarp
- Posts: 23
- Joined: May 14th, 2015, 4:44 pm
- Gender: M
- Issues: Recovered schizophrenic researching psychotherapy dissatisfaction.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: central Mexico
- Contact:
Re: Deemed unfixable
I'm looking for how I might help those dissatisfied with psychotherapy to find self care programs.
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neufena
- Posts: 131
- Joined: December 24th, 2012, 7:46 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Self worth, anxiety, being a failure.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Manchester, UK
Re: Deemed unfixable
Why? Because of 2 reasons. 1) that's how other people will judge and define you. and 2) because I have standard, I can't just allow myself to say 'do nothing with you life, that's ok'.
If my achievement is 'being me' then I have failed at that too. There is no 'me'. What is 'me' if I have no achievements or have done nothing with my life? If I'm enough being me then why is life so painful? Why do I attract snide comments, dirty looks and are never made welcome anywhere? How come no matter how hard I try at work I always mess up and never have all my work done?
It's very nice to pretend that all you need to do is be yourself but lets face it, that's not going to get you by in the real world.
If my achievement is 'being me' then I have failed at that too. There is no 'me'. What is 'me' if I have no achievements or have done nothing with my life? If I'm enough being me then why is life so painful? Why do I attract snide comments, dirty looks and are never made welcome anywhere? How come no matter how hard I try at work I always mess up and never have all my work done?
It's very nice to pretend that all you need to do is be yourself but lets face it, that's not going to get you by in the real world.
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neufena
- Posts: 131
- Joined: December 24th, 2012, 7:46 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Self worth, anxiety, being a failure.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Manchester, UK
Re: Deemed unfixable
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I now have no options left. I keep thinking I should make an appt with my doctor and ask 'what next'. Tho I already know the answer is 'go away, you're beyond repair.
Why is it so hard to find help. All I want is to learn to live with my worthlessness. To numb myself enough that I don't care. Others seem to do it, float through life without a care and without ever doing anything, why can't I? What's so terribly wrong with me that whatever I do fails.
Why is it so hard to find help. All I want is to learn to live with my worthlessness. To numb myself enough that I don't care. Others seem to do it, float through life without a care and without ever doing anything, why can't I? What's so terribly wrong with me that whatever I do fails.
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fifthsonata
- Posts: 291
- Joined: April 30th, 2012, 6:45 am
Re: Deemed unfixable
If someone judges you, then so be it. At this point, maybe your current job isn't where you belong if they're being that petty. If you are indeed failing as bad as you say, wouldn't they have fired you by now? I know it's really hard to see how our perception is modified by depression, but, the truth is that you can't always trust your mind.
Who cares if they judge you? Honestly, if you're already isolated, what does it matter? At the end of the day, the only person you have left is yourself. You're not defined by how people perceive you - nor is your existence defined by another person.
I don't have an answer for you. I struggle now, finding my purpose and feeling like I have a place in this world, but I'm slowly building it. A lifetime of isolation has made me terrified of social interaction because I felt the exact same way - that I was not lovable, not a good person, and that I'm not someone people like. My emotional experiences are not the same as yours, I know - but I understand that feeling. That perception. So much so that I've tried to take my life on numerous occasions.
I'm only telling you all this because what you're expressing is a common feature of depression, and sometimes that little thread of hope is what you need to survive. I just want to offer some relatable emotions, feelings....I won't ramble on any more, but know that I'd be more than happy to chat any time you need it. I'd even be willing to help you find a therapist if you ever need a little push.
Who cares if they judge you? Honestly, if you're already isolated, what does it matter? At the end of the day, the only person you have left is yourself. You're not defined by how people perceive you - nor is your existence defined by another person.
I don't have an answer for you. I struggle now, finding my purpose and feeling like I have a place in this world, but I'm slowly building it. A lifetime of isolation has made me terrified of social interaction because I felt the exact same way - that I was not lovable, not a good person, and that I'm not someone people like. My emotional experiences are not the same as yours, I know - but I understand that feeling. That perception. So much so that I've tried to take my life on numerous occasions.
I'm only telling you all this because what you're expressing is a common feature of depression, and sometimes that little thread of hope is what you need to survive. I just want to offer some relatable emotions, feelings....I won't ramble on any more, but know that I'd be more than happy to chat any time you need it. I'd even be willing to help you find a therapist if you ever need a little push.
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neufena
- Posts: 131
- Joined: December 24th, 2012, 7:46 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Self worth, anxiety, being a failure.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Manchester, UK
Re: Deemed unfixable
I guess I'm just not ready to isolate myself that much. I see this going down the same route my therapist kept suggesting, purposely destroy all the fragile social connections I've worked so hard over the years to create. I just can't bring myself to do it. I say "Tonight at this party (or whatever) I'm going to be a dick, say what I feel, not care what other people want to hear, talk about boring subject etc" but then the moment I'm faced with another person I revert back to type.
I also reject the notion that this is somehow clouded by depression. I've been on medication for almost 10 years now, I've been through therapy over 3 times. Nothing has ever changed and the same truths keep being reinforced by my experiences. That wealth of evidence can't be ignored. If it was just the depression it would have changed with treatment, the fact that nothing has every changed shows that the problem is real and me, not made up in my mind.
I also reject the notion that this is somehow clouded by depression. I've been on medication for almost 10 years now, I've been through therapy over 3 times. Nothing has ever changed and the same truths keep being reinforced by my experiences. That wealth of evidence can't be ignored. If it was just the depression it would have changed with treatment, the fact that nothing has every changed shows that the problem is real and me, not made up in my mind.
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rc409
- Posts: 89
- Joined: July 24th, 2015, 1:52 pm
- Gender: m
- Issues: Suicide, bi polar, depression, addiction
- preferred pronoun: he
Re: Deemed unfixable
I wont speak for you guys, but I always felt like the therapist was trying to turn me into someone who loves themselves...As if, "OH my, I'm awesome..Im the best..sort of shit..." I cant help but felt a goal to tolerate myself might be better.
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neufena
- Posts: 131
- Joined: December 24th, 2012, 7:46 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Self worth, anxiety, being a failure.
- preferred pronoun: he
- Location: Manchester, UK
Re: Deemed unfixable
Totally the same rc409, all therapists I've had want me to believe some lie that I'm a worthwhile person and do all these great things. What I really need help with is coming to terms with who I REALLY am not pretending I'm something I'm not. To learn to tolerate myself would be great.
Good luck with that goal, if you ever find tips on how to get there please share!
Good luck with that goal, if you ever find tips on how to get there please share!
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Fargin
- Posts: 223
- Joined: December 28th, 2012, 6:01 am
- Gender: Male
- Issues: Avoidant Personality Disorder
- Location: Copenhagen
Re: Deemed unfixable
My thoughts constantly tell me, that I'm a bad son, bad brother, bad friend, worthless boyfriend/partner material, useless in society's eyes and simply a waste of space.
I've had come to terms with, that I'm not my thoughts. That my thoughts are not a true reflection of reality. They simply confirm my bias, my bias being, that I'm worthless, so they look for proof, that I'm worthless in everything I do and am. I quit fighting therapy and started second guessing my thoughts, challenging them and sometimes disregard them, because they want to hold me back.
I've had come to terms with, that I'm not my thoughts. That my thoughts are not a true reflection of reality. They simply confirm my bias, my bias being, that I'm worthless, so they look for proof, that I'm worthless in everything I do and am. I quit fighting therapy and started second guessing my thoughts, challenging them and sometimes disregard them, because they want to hold me back.
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rc409
- Posts: 89
- Joined: July 24th, 2015, 1:52 pm
- Gender: m
- Issues: Suicide, bi polar, depression, addiction
- preferred pronoun: he
Re: Deemed unfixable
I spent 20 years doing a job I was good at, but I felt it was a joke. Fixing drink machines.
Due to going batshit crazy for a bit, I lost that job. Then suicide attempt (over what? ??)
Anyway, new job. Its doing things anyone would consider cool. Great company. A definite upgrade.
Physically I've added 30lbs of muscle. All these things that should help me feel great about myself. You guys know the answer to that question. Give me 3=4 days where I have not repaired something, or been able to keep an assembly line going, and I start to get that worthless feeling again. Not that it really goes away, its just that I have to do real things, daily, to prove its not true.
Bad brother? Hell, my brother died on my watch.
I'm sorry for how you feel and sorry for understanding it.
Here again, if we were ok with ourselves just sitting around, watching tv 24/7, that would be like my relatives. Often times they would not waste time heating tv dinners. They were warm enough if you let them thaw sort of people.
Due to going batshit crazy for a bit, I lost that job. Then suicide attempt (over what? ??)
Anyway, new job. Its doing things anyone would consider cool. Great company. A definite upgrade.
Physically I've added 30lbs of muscle. All these things that should help me feel great about myself. You guys know the answer to that question. Give me 3=4 days where I have not repaired something, or been able to keep an assembly line going, and I start to get that worthless feeling again. Not that it really goes away, its just that I have to do real things, daily, to prove its not true.
Bad brother? Hell, my brother died on my watch.
I'm sorry for how you feel and sorry for understanding it.
Here again, if we were ok with ourselves just sitting around, watching tv 24/7, that would be like my relatives. Often times they would not waste time heating tv dinners. They were warm enough if you let them thaw sort of people.
Re: Deemed unfixable
Hi there,
I do not want to validate your feelings of lack of self-worth, but I can empathize with the feeling of absolute frustration when people have not agreed with me when I have said awful things about myself. Have you seen other therapists? What style of therapy did this one employ? I have gone through many therapists (often due to logistical insurance reasons...but several times because I did not have great rapport with the therapist and/or felt they had been condescending and dismissive towards me). There are great therapists out there who would suit your needs much better and will respect you, from what it sounds like. You are not "unfixable"! I hope you do have hope. We do have hope for you.
I do not want to validate your feelings of lack of self-worth, but I can empathize with the feeling of absolute frustration when people have not agreed with me when I have said awful things about myself. Have you seen other therapists? What style of therapy did this one employ? I have gone through many therapists (often due to logistical insurance reasons...but several times because I did not have great rapport with the therapist and/or felt they had been condescending and dismissive towards me). There are great therapists out there who would suit your needs much better and will respect you, from what it sounds like. You are not "unfixable"! I hope you do have hope. We do have hope for you.